Sound Business Practices

It is better to lead from behind, where setting a good example is advisable, but not required.

Hindsight is foresight with a wider margin of safety.

Always tip your bartender well. He knows when the sheriff likes to stop by, and where the good exits are located.

(c) 2013 Laurie J. Anderson; all rights reserved.

Widows, Orphans and Dogs

Always be kind to widows, orphans and dogs.
The first two will win you friends and attract sentimental customers, and the last one will keep quiet if it discovers you hiding in a haystack.

Advice for Boot Owners

• Condition boot leather with a good strong oil, such as mink, neatsfoot, kerosene or whale. 
• If you use whale oil, stay away from sea lions. 
• If you use kerosene, do not dry the boots by a fireplace. 
• Clean boots gently. Do not wash them with lye soap or beat them on rocks. 
• Do not leave your boots outside if it's going to rain, unless you are trying to find out how well they hold water. 
• Do not leave your boots out overnight when travelling in the desert, because a coyote may carry one away. 
• Do not stomp your boots at political rallies or cattle auctions. 
• Always check your boots in the morning for unauthorized guests camping in the toes. 
• Cow leather is fine, and rattlesnake leather will impress bank managers, but alligator skin floats -- which can come in handy should you ever be thrown off a paddle-wheeler. 
• If your mother-in-law gives you an excellent pair of custom-made boots with pink stitching, it is alright to bootblack them. If she notices, explain that they frightened the cattle on the last trip you took out West. 
• Do not put your boots outside your hotel room door in hopes of getting them cleaned. The bellboy may take them for a gratuity. 
• When playing cards, always make sure your boots have a clear path to the door.

Copyright © 2013 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

Advice Regarding Food

Always remember the three B's: beer, biscuits and beans, the key to a balanced meal.

Never eat sand on a bet. Or on anything else, for that matter.

Chili -- in the right hands a sinus aid, in the wrong hands, a weapon.

Bearnaise sauce does not contain bear.

A fried pie can be carried in a coat pocket for later consumption, but should not be laundered.

Beware of shiny meat.

Copyright © 2013 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

A Lesson Learned

Recently I awoke my wife from a nap. It was near supper time and I was hungry. I thought to prevent hunger in her as well. Therefore I urged her to start cooking soon. She disagreed, quite vociferously. She backed her opinion with a long, loud list of work she had recently completed. She recited the list for a full hour with no sign of quitting. When she started to wave her rolling pin at me, I thought it best to visit a friend in town.

Her response to my helpful suggestion reminded me of the firefly who fell in love with a lit cigar. He thought his dear one was reluctant to fly and so tried to help by pushing it off the window ledge on which it had been placed. The cigar fell into a pile of dry leaves. The leaves burst into flame and the flames soon engulfed the house. The firefly retreated in amazement.

“I will never push you again” he exclaimed, “- especially if it means watching all hell break loose!”

Copyright © 2012 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

Marital Advice

Never try to compliment your wife by telling her that her biscuits saved your life. At least, don’t tell her that they knocked out the fellow chasing you.

Political Advice

A word of advice: Never eat dinner at your mother-in-law's house if you vote for the "Free Silver" Party. She will hide all the utensils.

Advice for Eating and Living a Long Life

Cheese and bacon taste good with anything, and are always in demand. If you want a future that is secure into the next century, invest in these two commodities.

Do not bite off more than you can swallow.
Do not swallow more than you can chew.
Do not swallow tobacco, but if it's unavoidable you'll be glad you followed the other two rules.

Chewing bourbon is unecessary. Or should be.

If you look down and cannot see your shoes from a standing position, it is time to get a stronger girdle.

If you're going to live a long life, keep your debts small or your whereabouts unknown.

Stay on the safe side of 45 - the side where the bullet is pointed away from you.

Retire early, unless there's a high stakes game nearby.

Never share a strip of beef jerky with a dog or a joke with a politician. You won't get either back -- at least not in good shape.

Sand is not good for digestion. Avoid landing in it face-first.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, which means 12 pounds of cure can be poured into a 12-ounce beer mug.

If you've got everything going for you, drop the heavy stuff and run faster.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Words of Wisdom for Travelling Life's Highway

A vigorous 15-mile walk will do more for an unhappy man than all the medicine in the world, especially if his creditors are unaware that he has left town.

When one window of opportunity closes, another one will appear. This is why you should always keep your eyes open and a crowbar handy.

Do not worry about financial setbacks. It is always possible to live beyond your means.

You can tell the size of a town by what you see on the front page of its newspaper. Crime, scandal and politics -- large town. Crop reports and school recitals -- small town. If the only newspaper you see is from a village 20 miles away, you are at a mailbag stop.

If you must stay at a boarding house, always ask for a bed with sheets.

Always tip the stableboy who minds your horse, or else don't be surprised if halfway to the next town your animal develops a loud case of gas.

If a cowboy joins you for dinner, hide your liquor.
If a minister joins you for dinner, hide your liquor and your opinion.
If a sheriff joins you for dinner, share your liquor and hide your real name.

Don't bother shooting a bird unless it weighs at least 40 pounds. It is not worth plucking and cooking anything smaller, as there is so little meat left after you have removed the feathers and burned it.

Never trust a one-eyed card dealer or a three-fingered explosives expert.

A long head start is better than a fast horse.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Advice for Those of Limited Means

I was playing poker with some cowboys out West, when one of them accused me of betting with counterfeit $100 bills. I asked him to prove it, and he pointed out that Bat Masterson was a Canadian and not eligible to be depicted on U.S. currency.

I respectfully disagreed, but nevertheless offered to play with lesser, more common notes. Everyone thought this was best, so we continued the game with $75.00 Buffalo Bills.

All went well, and I eventually walked away several hundred dollars richer, less my initial stake.

If you should ever find yourself short of funds, it is best to improvise. I considered betting with corn, but most cowboys don’t believe in the stalk market. In situations such as these, I have found that a lot of bull usually produces the most chips.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Leftovers

If anyone tells you that the holiday season is a time of excess, point to your frugal management of food. Yes, some meals may seem extravagant, but thanks to iceboxes, cold weather and other preservation methods, nothing need go to waste.

All parts of the turkey, for example, have a use. The meat can be eaten as soon as it is roasted, or it can be smoked, dried or pickled and stored for later use. Turkey bones can be saved and added to soup for flavor, or boiled further into gelatin for broths and desserts. The large feathers can be made into writing instruments; the pin feathers can stuff pillows. One may also boil the beak and feet to the same purpose as bones, or dry them for use as back-scratchers. It is a little-known fact that the turkey head also makes excellent wolverine bait and, once caught, the wolverine can protect your valuables (after you have tamed it).

Likewise the fruitcake has a myriad of uses: door stopper; theatrical curtain counterweight and ship ballast, among other things. I knew a woman in Nome, Alaska, whose concerned relatives back East always sent her a good quantity of fruitcake to carry her through winter. When fuel grew low, she would toss one on the fire. It would usually burn for a week.

What may seem like excess could also merely be a misapplication of Wizard Water^© to stretch a meal. A little flour and a few drops of Wizard Water added to turkey drippings, for instance, can more than quadruple the available gravy. Only try this if you are expecting a lot of guests, though. A widow who lived alone once added a little Wizard Water^© to a 10-quart pot on her stove, thinking that would be adequate, but the pot overflowed. If she hadn't been wearing a bamboo bustle she might well have drowned before she floated into the yard. (She was not a wasteful woman, either; she sold the excess gravy to a bricklayer who used it as a sealant.)

So never look at your holiday dinner as an extravagance. If anyone criticizes the quantity of food you are serving, show them the cold storage room that you have built of stacked fruitcakes sealed with congealed gravy, containing all your smoked turkey, quill pens, pillows and back-scratchers, well-guarded by your trained wolverine.

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Some Thanksgiving Advice for Travellers Out West

Never trust a trail cook everyone calls "Vinegar."

Do not assume that men familiar with fixing steak will also know how to cook a bird.

Never tell a cowboy where you keep your whiskey.

Do not add gunpowder to the cavity of a turkey, no matter how hungry you are or how much whiskey you have had. This will not hasten the cooking process.

Do not weigh down a pot lid with rocks if the pot is to be placed over an open fire. This goes double if the turkey inside the pot has been stuffed with gunpowder.

If invited to share a Thanksgiving meal with cowboys, make sure they understand the previous two rules.

If you happen to be far afield on the eve of Thanksgiving and overtake a cattle drive, always ask if the cook is happy. If you learn that the cook has quit, and someone nicknamed "Vinegar" has taken his place, likewise excuse yourself with urgent business elsewhere.

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Advice for Bachelors

What not to serve a guest, no matter how quick and easy it may seem at the time:

- sardine and rhubarb stew
- hard-boiled figs
- fried whiskey
- fallen squirrels
- iced pinto beans
- poached bread
- ground chicory pie
- "found" possum
- Grits a la Mode
- spaghetti cooked in the same water you boiled the coffee
- mashed okra
- macaroni and lard

It is however, perfectly acceptable to serve any of the above to relatives you don't wish to see for a while.

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Another Treatment for Snoring

On rare occasions, my recommended cure for snoring does not work. I once knew a man who respirated in his sleep with such great vocality that he woke his family AND the neighbors, and no amount of Wizard Water^© corkage seemed help. He came to me, very distraught.

“What can I do, Doc? My wife says I keep her awake all night, and everyone within two miles agrees with her!”

“Does it sound something like a whistle and a roar?” I asked.

“So I am told.” he replied.

“There’s your answer,” I replied. “Hire yourself out to a riverboat company. I know a captain who needs men like you. He says they are a cheap alternative to an expensive steam whistle. He hires one man for the day shift, and one for the night shift. Room and board are covered.”

The man took my advice. The last I heard, he was plying the Mississippi between Hannibal and New Orleans. The folks along the river occasionally complain about the loudness of the new “steam whistle,” but the captain is satisfied because other boats keep a wide berth. His family and neighbors are satisfied, too, because they get a full night’s sleep when he is home now, due to the fact that he has accustomed himself to working the day shift.

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

On the Advantages of Staying Calm

I was once chased by a grizzly bear. If you have never seen one of these creatures, all you need to know is this: grizzly bears are to regular bears what elephants are to dachsunds, but with more teeth.

It happened late one night when I was taking a little-used back road, riding a horse I had borrowed from an associate. I was on my guard against surprises, otherwise I might not have noticed the snap of a tree branch behind me. I looked back, and at first wondered if the full moon had gone behind a cloud, because the trail behind me was pitch black where it had been bathed in moonlight only a moment before.

Then I noticed a silhouette against the star-filled sky, and realized that I was looking at a living creature. It was a bear as big as a buffalo. To be perfectly accurate, it was as big as a buffalo standing on top of a courthouse. That might not have alarmed me, had the creature not also been headed in my direction.

I am not one to panic. Calmly, I turned around and, with as little movement as possible, urged my horse to increase its speed. This it did, but not by enough, I soon learned. The sound of cracking limbs grew closer. I looked back and saw the bear just a few hundred yards away and closing fast. I spurred the horse forward. The horse, which must have gotten a whiff of the beast, leaped ahead with alacrity as if it had been slapped by lightning.

Unfortunately, we were headed downhill, and this only helped the great creature. My steed jumped over boulders as tall as fence posts, but it did no good. The bear merely swatted them aside and continued to gain on us. He got so close that I could hear his grunts. I knew that I had but a few seconds before we were overtaken.

Just then, I saw a low-hanging branch ahead. I resolved to grab that limb and take my chances in the tree it was attached to. With luck, the bear would not notice my absence and continue to pursue the horse. I hoped that, once lightened of its human load, the horse would lead him far away.

We rode under the tree and I reached for the branch. Unfortunately, the bear dove for us at that very moment. The impact knocked me unconscious.

When I awoke, I found myself still in the saddle, tangled in the reins and moving along at a good clip. I could not understand why I was still alive. Where was the bear? I looked around. No sign of him. The road entered an open area and in the full moonlight I saw the answer: the bear was beneath me. He was wearing the bridle and bit, and saddled just like the horse. While I lay unconscious and tied to the saddle, that bear must have eaten the horse from tail to nose, right under its harness and all its gear.

Well I rode that grizzly down the mountain into the next town. Since it was so late and I did not wish to disturb anyone, I guided him into the livery stable myself and put him in an unoccupied stall. There, the satiated creature curled up and promptly fell asleep. When I was sure he was slumbering soundly I dismounted, borrowed another horse and quickly went on my way.

So remember - do not panic when confronting danger! Keep a cool, rational head and you should come out no worse for the wear! (This especially applies to livery stable owners who forget to lock their doors at night.)

Practical Advice of a Wide-Ranging Nature

Never clean your boots with kerosene if your wife is prone to drying them near the fireplace.

Ladies, if you need a safe place to keep your grocery money when you go to town, consider hiding it in your bustle. Wrap your coins well, though, lest you rattle.

When feeding chickens in the winter, add a little sulfur to the meal. This will liven up the birds and help keep their eggs warm. Do not try this on your mother-in-law.

Always compliment the cook, especially if there is no doctor in the vicinity.

Vinegar, pepper and salt mixed together makes a good gargle for a sore throat, and whatever is left over will preserve vegetables.

Travel light - a man should be able to survive with just a pocketknife, a steel flint, and a canteen of water. Or a bagful of treasury bills.

A penny saved is a penny you can spend on candy.

Keep your gunpowder dry, and far away from the pepper grinder.

When gambling, do not bet with bullets, wedding rings, or dairy products. If possible, use mining deeds, treasure maps or Confederate money.

Always have an escape route.

copyright ©2009 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Plan Your Garden With the Help of Wizard Water©!

As you look eagerly towards planting season, remember that Doc Johnson’s Wondrous Wizard Water^© makes an excellent seed-starter. If you have a sunny window and a spare table or other flat-surfaced furniture, you can place seeds in soil you have warmed by the fire to room temperature and dampened with a few drops of Wizard Water^© while the ground is still frozen outside. Many accomplished gardeners use this method to get a head start with their crops or household gardens.

A word of warning, though: only use this method on a few seeds, and in rooms with high ceilings! I knew a woman who didn’t heed this simple advice, and lived to regret it. She competed annually in the county agricultural fair, but rarely won. In an effort to beat her neighbors in the “early fresh produce” category, one February she planted four dozen tomato seeds in tin cans placed by every window in her house, and wet them very liberally with Doc Johnson’s Wondrous Wizard Water^©. She awoke the next morning to find her roof elevated off its moorings! The seeds had sprouted overnight and their accelerated growth placed her rafters at twice the height of the walls! She was so loathe to lose the potentially prize-winning tomatoes that her husband had to add a second storey to the home, at great expense.

In addition, the plants produced so many tomatoes, so quickly, that she wore herself out harvesting the fruit. They sprouted and ripened faster than she and her family could pick and eat them. Every few minutes, night and day for weeks, she had to toss freshly-ripened tomatoes into a laundry pot she kept in the back yard and boil them down. She managed to sell extra jars of her boiled-down tomatoes, but never won the blue ribbon she sought for fresh produce.

So let this be a lesson to eager agricultural competitors: use Wizard Water^© sparingly, or you will have to stew lots of tomatoes to catch up.

Doc’s Advice on What Not to Give a Woman on Valentine’s Day

1. Poultry (dead or alive).
2. Fancy mail-order face cream “that gets rid of blemishes.”
3. A sturdy shoulder yoke to help her carry water buckets.
4. A mechanical corn-shucker.
5. Chocolate-covered novelty foods, such as green beans.
6. Any perfume named after a city, such as “Eau de New York.”
7. Large new cast-iron frying pan.
8. Extra-large cast-iron cooking pot.
9. Cast-iron anything.
10. A fur sunbonnet.

Also, do not cook dinner for her if the only thing you know how to fix is beans and mashed potatoes.

Most importantly, do not try to save money by giving the one you love a slightly used bouquet of flowers (or if you do, first make sure the sympathy card is removed).

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Doc Johnson's Advice for Poker Players

I lost a bit of money playing poker the other night and has some advice for other players:

1. If you want to walk away with your winnings, never play cards with a man named “Deadeye.”

2. Playing poker is usually safer than betting on horses. It’s a lot easier to hide a card up your sleeve.

3. Don’t play with another man’s deck. He might be as crooked as you are and know where you’re hiding the aces.

4. Never play poker with politicians. They can bluff a whole lot better than you can.

5. Poker should never be a game of chance.

copyright ©2009 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.