Sunday, September 26, 2010

A Desert Chase

Wizard Water© is a powerfully potent potion, but must be used with care! Do not spill a drop! I was once walking through high desert country when I tripped over a rattlesnake, accidentally spilling a few drops of Wizard Water© on him.

The snake reared up his tail and gave a long warning rattle. I picked myself up slowly, so as not to startle the creature further. That was enough time for the elixir to do its work, however. The snake grew in size. As his physiognomy increased, the distance between us decreased, and he -- no doubt thinking that I was approaching him -- rattled with greater urgency.

I needed no further warning. I leaped as far away as I could and then looked back.

Alas! The snake had lunged, too, and just barely missed my heel. I began to run, but he was on the move now and slithered after me with alacrity. I increased my velocity, clearing bushes and boulders. Still the creature pursued me, his size helping him to close the distance.

Well sir, I ran so fast that I ran out of my boots. Then I ran out of my pants, and then my drawers. The viper kept coming, though. With great relief I saw that we were approaching a cliff. Just before we reached the precipice, I slid into a gully. The snake could not brake so easily and sailed out over the edge. By this time he was going so fast that he split into a dozen smaller snakes. These split into a dozen more. They rained onto the landscape below.

Later, I warned some ranchers in the area that they might expect an increase in poisonous serpents. They dismissed my story, perhaps because I was not properly attired. "If that were true," said one, "we'd throw you to the varmints."

From this experience I learned two valuable lessons:
  1. Do not spill Wizard Water© on snakes.
  2. Never issue a dire warning unless you are fully clothed.
If you are ever in western Wyoming, you can see where it happened and judge the truth of this story for yourself. Just ask the locals to direct you to Snake River. Don't mention my name, though.

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

A Note on Medicine Show Music

sawI always try to include a little music in my shows. The other day I won a cornet in a game of chance. I’m not sure what a cornet is, but if I can’t find somebody to play it, I know a fellow who says he can use it in his still.

At that same card game, another fellow tried to use his accordian as collateral for a bet. It has been my experience that the sound of air escaping from an accordian is best experienced in late winter, when firewood is running low. History records that the gallant defenders of the Alamo held that fort for 13 days against over 2,000 Mexican soldiers led by General Santa Anna. It is a little-known fact that the primary reason they were able to hold out for so long was because the defenders had an accordian and cotton wool to stick in their ears, and Santa Anna’s men did not. For these and similar reasons neither I nor my fellow gamblers would accept the accordianist’s offer. He had to scale up if he wanted to draw, but no one liked his pitch and he finally folded.

Usually I can find a fiddler to liven up my presentation, but lately I’ve been considering something more exotic, like a musical saw. It sounds like a fiddle, but unlike a fiddle you can defend yourself with it. (There is no defense for accordian music, but at least if you are holding a saw, no one will object out loud.)

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

A Narrow Escape With the Help of Wizard Water

One summer while I was in Texas a few years ago, I was set upon by a band of wild Indians. I was on foot and had just enough time to take a sip of Wizard Water© before running for my life.

We ran for miles, through grasslands and woodlands, up and down canyons, across desert. They would not give up. Finally, I came upon a frozen lake. I slid across it. The Indians were too numerous and fell through the ice. Thus I escaped.

Thank goodness for Wizard Water© - without it I could never have run until winter!

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Mountain Music & Medicine Show - September

YahoolaMiz Lynn

I parked the wagon outside Nix's general store in Dahlonega, Georgia last night and was joined by the bands Yahoola, Little Country Giants, Mist on the Mountain, the Georgia Pick and Bow Kids, and that pair of reprobates the Buzzard Mountain Boys. Local lady Miz Lynn was so inspired by the latter (or by something they brought with them from the mountain) that she jumped up and danced on the stage! The mayor even joined in with them on a song or two! I must find out what they're adding to their corn.

One thing's for sure - a good time was had by all! Come out and see what it's all about the next time I'm up there on November 6, or visit the photo albums on their FaceBook page.