Sunday, July 21, 2013

A Lesson from Liniment

I once attempted to develop a liniment to ease sore muscles. It contained ingredients not easily available to the average household. Among these were bear grease, camel hump fat, python milk and mint aether. It was so effective in easing pain that it helped individuals who merely stood near the person using the liniment.

Just as I was about to sign a contract with the U.S. government to supply my liniment to the military, war broke out in Tierra del Fuego. I was forced to cease production because I was no longer able to buy Argentinian tobacco oysters. I learned my lesson: always use ingredients that are close at hand. You won’t have to deal with shortages, import tariffs, or escaped pythons.

Copyright © 2013 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Patience is a Virtue

If you are ever on a train that is delayed by cattle crossing the tracks, do not attempt to hurry their progress with loud noises. In particular, do not take advantage of cannon being transported on the same train. An artillery engagement will cause the cattle to lurch forward, but the ordnance will lurch backward. The walls of train cars are not built to withstand heavy artillery; if they were then General Grant would have conducted his battles from the comfort of a caboose. If you do happen to exercise such an option, stand well away from either end of the cannon. Or better yet, be nowhere near it after you have lit the fuse.

Copyright © 2013 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.