A Lesson from Liniment

I once attempted to develop a liniment to ease sore muscles. It contained ingredients not easily available to the average household. Among these were bear grease, camel hump fat, python milk and mint aether. It was so effective in easing pain that it helped individuals who merely stood near the person using the liniment.

Just as I was about to sign a contract with the U.S. government to supply my liniment to the military, war broke out in Tierra del Fuego. I was forced to cease production because I was no longer able to buy Argentinian tobacco oysters. I learned my lesson: always use ingredients that are close at hand. You won’t have to deal with shortages, import tariffs, or escaped pythons.

Copyright © 2013 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

Doc’s New Year’s Resolutions

1. Don't excercise, as it leads to fatigue.

2. Hand over the day-to-day work reins to assistant in order to concentrate on product development.

3. Teach assistant Bleb accounting and how to play banjo.

4. Develop a hair restorative that doesn’t explode or eat through the bottle.

5. Develop more games of chance that aren’t.

6. Invent a cure for which there is no disease, and market the hell out of it.

7. Hide money where “Mrs. Doc” won’t find it.

8. Don’t hide paper money in the hay bin that the mule eats out of.

9. Convince printer to pay for labels in exchange for free advertising.

10. Convince mother-in-law that she should visit Tierra del Fuego.

11. Never warm the label glue near the stove when the wife is preparing gravy.

12. Eat fewer beans, at least before a show.

copyright ©2008 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.