Sunday, May 26, 2013

Widows, Orphans and Dogs

Always be kind to widows, orphans and dogs.
The first two will win you friends and attract sentimental customers, and the last one will keep quiet if it discovers you hiding in a haystack.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

A Pot of Stew

Wizard Water© is a wonderful tonic, but do not use it as the basis for a meal. I had a customer who tried this with a pot of his wife’s rutabaga stew. In lieu of regular water, he emptied an entire case of Wizard Water© into her kettle. He reported to me afterwards that he could not get to the bottom of the pot. His wife was overjoyed, and that winter served rutabaga stew every night. He grew quite tired of the stuff, but she would not hear of disposing of it. He offered the stew to neighbors and friends, and even to bankers in repayment for loans, but the pot continued to produce more stew.

Finally one night, when his wife was sound asleep, he snuck the pot out of the house and far into the woods, and left it there. Upon his return, he scattered utensils about the yard and left the kitchen door open. When his wife awoke the next morning, he feigned ignorance of the matter.

“A bear,” he declared. “A bear must have smelled the food and carried it off.” His wife resigned herself to cooking again.

He thought the problem was solved, but several months later he returned home from a trip and smelled the familiar odor of rutabaga stew.

“Look!” exclaimed his wife. “Look what I found this morning in the yard! Our pot of stew!”

“How can that be?” he asked. He examined the ground. There in the dirt were the distinct impressions of bear paws. The imprints were deep as they headed into the yard, and somewhat shallower as they headed back into the woods.

That man’s wife is still serving the stew. They no longer eat it themselves, though. Instead, the man convinced his wife to open a small rest stop outside their home. There his wife serves weary travellers just the one item, plus day-old bread.

It is quite cheap. If you want some I’ll give you the address.

Copyright © 2013 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Advice for Boot Owners

  • Condition boot leather with a good strong oil, such as mink, neatsfoot, kerosene or whale. 
  • If you use whale oil, stay away from sea lions. 
  • If you use kerosene, do not dry the boots by a fireplace. 
  • Clean boots gently. Do not wash them with lye soap or beat them on rocks. 
  • Do not leave your boots outside if it's going to rain, unless you are trying to find out how well they hold water. 
  • Do not leave your boots out overnight when travelling in the desert, because a coyote may carry one away. 
  • Do not stomp your boots at political rallies or cattle auctions. 
  • Always check your boots in the morning for unauthorized guests camping in the toes. 
  • Cow leather is fine, and rattlesnake leather will impress bank managers, but alligator skin floats -- which can come in handy should you ever be thrown off a paddle-wheeler. 
  • If your mother-in-law gives you an excellent pair of custom-made boots with pink stitching, it is alright to bootblack them. If she notices, explain that they frightened the cattle on the last trip you took out West. 
  • Do not put your boots outside your hotel room door in hopes of getting them cleaned. The bellboy may take them for a gratuity. 
  • When playing cards, always make sure your boots have a clear path to the door.

Copyright © 2013 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Spring Rains

Spring rains have washed out the roads and made travel difficult.
I parked the wagon under an overhang to wait out a storm; now the ledge above me has formed the framework for a waterfall. If this deluge doesn't abate, I may have to teach Bleb to swim.
On a positive note, I doubt if the sheriff will see us in here.