Sunday, July 29, 2012

A Hot Summer

This summer is too hot. I sold some Wizard Water© to a bartender who was serving beer at a political rally. Late in the afternoon he ran low on beer but not on customers. Thinking to stretch his product, he added some of my elixir to a half-empty keg. The keg -- which was quite warm from sitting in the sun -- began to swell. Foam spewed from the spigot in ever-increasing quantities. Soon suds covered the ground, then rose shoulder-high, then overwhelmed the stage.

The speakers fled and the rally broke up. Its sponsors blamed the beer vendor, and he blamed me. He is looking for me as I write this.

I am on route to Alaska, where cooler heads prevail.

Copyright © 2012 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Another Caveat

Never try to extinguish a fire using Wizard Water©. Wizard Water© is an accelerative, and in most cases will increase the properties of whatever is exposed to it. I once spilled a few drops of Wizard Water© on the coals of a fire and, instead of going out, the heat grew in intensity until the ground beneath the coals melted.

The coals sank out of sight, leaving naught but the smell of burning granite. I feared the coals might might burn all the way through the Earth’s core and out the other side, but they must have hit a subterranean pocket of water, for a great plume of steam suddenly shot straight up from the hole and high into the sky. It maintained a height of several hundred feet for a few minutes, and then subsided. I left the area quite relieved that the matter had concluded without loss of life or property.

I have since been informed that geysers of steam appear in that location with great regularity. The phenomenon even has a nickname: “Old Faithful.” So far, no witnesses have come forward to accuse me of having any connection with it. I hope the situation remains thus, as I cannot afford to repair the chasm or replace the goats which have fallen in. Once the matter leaves the public eye though, all will be well. I'm sure that time is not long in coming, either. The Wizard Water© should wear off soon.

Copyright © 2012 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

A Production Problem

We here at Wizard Water© Enterprises, LLC, take utmost pains to ensure that our product is of the highest quality possible. However, sometimes unforeseen circumstances can interfere with the development process. Such was the case this past week, when lightning struck the tree near which the latest batch of my elixir was settling. The lightning jumped to the iron pot in which my product lay, and adulterated it with highly excited energy. After a bright flash, the contents of the pot disappeared, and I reasonably assumed that it had evaporated.

I immediately set out to make a fresh batch of my elixir, but discovered that my initial assumption was incorrect. The previous batch was still present, for every time I attempted to add a few key ingredients to the pot – such as water -- the original aggregation reappeared in the container, filling it to the brim. Whenever I removed my hand, the pot appeared empty again.

I regret to say that this has greatly delayed the production of Wizard Water©. The pot will not accept new ingredients, nor will it release the previous batch. I am not only at a loss regarding an explanation, I’m not sure how to recover what until now has been a perfectly good pot.

Therefore, I have ordered a new iron kettle from Sears, Roebuck and Company. The new container will be larger and accommodate more liquid. It will take about two weeks to arrive at my current location, though. I will advertise in the local papers when the next batch of Wizard Water© is available.

I trust my loyal customers will understand.

Copyright © 2012 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

After the Show

It was so hot in Dahlonega last night that Bleb decided to sit in the creek after the show to cool off. He sat there until noon today. Nothing but the promise of my wife's fried-egg-and-tomato sandwiches could convince him to leave. The result: we only just now arrived back home. My wife is mighty upset at being called to cook at 10pm on a Sunday evening, but a promise is a promise. When we return in September, I'm bringing along a set of bagpipes. They can make anything move.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Back to Dahlonega July 7

I'll be back in Dahlonega, Georgia for another Mountain Music and Medicine Show on Saturday, July 7. The musical guests will be Bluebilly Grit (hot off their win as as the best bluegrass band at the annual Telluride  festival), plus Cindy Musselwhite and Friends, Curtis Jones and The Mountain Gypsy Project, and the ever-popular-though-I-can't-fathom-why Buzzard Mountain Boys. Hope to see you there!