A Lack of Politicians

I once stopped in a town that had no politicians. Three fellows were running for mayor, but one of them swore the other two were liars and the other two agreed. The election ended in a tie because no one could be certain which candidate was the least truthful.

The local government had to be suspended. That cost the town a railroad contract, since there was no one to manage the bribes and poker taxes. The situation was not resolved until the next horse-trader came to town and promised to handle all the double-dealing.

This is the trouble that honesty can get you into, at least in government.


Copyright © 2013 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

Frivolous Law

In the state of New York it is illegal for citizens to greet each other by “putting one’s thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers.” I am glad to know that the lawmakers there believe citizens should not waste time on frivolous activities.

Theatrical Politics

The other night I attended a theatrical reading of great speeches. It was presented by a local chapter of the Populist Party and leaned somewhat towards their views.

Onstage, an actor read the speeches of Caesar, Charlemagne, Washington, and William Jennings Bryan. He was loud and dramatic and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. A gentlemen sitting near me did not feel the same way and was quite vocal in his criticism.

"This is just politics disguised as theater!" he cried. "How can anyone abide such simplistic, good-for-nothing rhetoric?"

"In the first place sir," I replied. "Politics IS theater. It may be enjoyed from a good seat that is out of spitting range from the actors, and one may boo or hiss if one is so inclined. In the second place, this performance is useful to me. I always wondered how other married men justified coming home late."

Copyright © 2012 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

Political Acumen

I make it a point to never get involved in politics.

“But you're a gambling man, Doc!” some people exclaim. “Why get involved in card games but not in politics?”

“Because,” I reply, “Aces made of cardboard are more easily acquired and hidden than aces made from promises."

"Also, it’s easier to run from a few men than from a country.”

Copyright © 2012 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

A Hot Summer

This summer is too hot. I sold some Wizard Water^© to a bartender who was serving beer at a political rally. Late in the afternoon he ran low on beer but not on customers. Thinking to stretch his product, he added some of my elixir to a half-empty keg. The keg -- which was quite warm from sitting in the sun -- began to swell. Foam spewed from the spigot in ever-increasing quantities. Soon suds covered the ground, then rose shoulder-high, then overwhelmed the stage.

The speakers fled and the rally broke up. Its sponsors blamed the beer vendor, and he blamed me. He is looking for me as I write this.

I am on route to Alaska, where cooler heads prevail.

Copyright © 2012 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

The Gravity Problem

I'm pleased to announce that I have solved the gravity problem.

As we all know, too many things hit the ground that shouldn't -- among them vases, flyballs, and unpleasant facts.

Here is the cure: Wizard Water^© plus helium. Wizard Water's natural intensifying effects are amplified with the addition of this rare air, and the effect can be put to good use.

Do you occasionally drop a glass of whiskey, or a large amount of money on a horse named "Dust Devil"? Do you sometimes find yourself sitting in the dirt outside a saloon for no good reason? Wizard Water^© and a little light gas can help.

The next time you notice yourself in a situation that requires equilibrium or the application of a counterforce to keep you from getting carried away, try the following: mix a few drops of Wizard Water^© with an ounce or more of helium. Shake well, and pour it over the object on which gravity or imprudence may exert its influence.

Whether the subject is a pitcher full of beer or a minister delivering a sermon on the evils of drinking, the aforementioned concoction will lighten it and counteract imbalance. Try to drop a mug that has been treated with this formulation -- the mug will float to the rafters. Angry customers will inspire laughter, and advice from your mother-in-law will not weigh down anyone.

Just take care not to apply this mixture to campaign speeches. Such items are mostly hot air to begin with, and additional inflation can cause the speaker to float off with his words.

Copyright © 2012 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

Danger in the Swamp

I once took a shortcut through the Okefenokee Swamp that was almost the death of me. I was on my way to Tebeauvilee, where my wagon was being repaired, and despite warnings from locals I thought the route would save me some time. I was not worried since I was wearing a good pair of buffalo hide boots and carrying a bottle of Wizard Water^© in my back pocket. As I waded through the murky water, though, snakes repeatedly lashed out at my legs. I could feel the impact as they struck the boots. The leather was so thick though, that their fangs just stuck fast. Before long there were a couple dozen snakes attached to my boots, their tails lashing wildly in the water.

All that ruckus attracted the attention of a bull alligator. Bull alligators are the largest type of meat-eating water lizard. This one was about twice the length of my wagon and at least as wide. He likely took the splashing as a sign of a drowning animal. I noticed him slide off a log and head in my direction. I knew there was no way I could outrun him.

I reached a shallow spot where my boots were exposed to air and pulled the bottle of Wizard Water^© out of my back pocket. Quickly I tapped a few drops onto the backs of the snakes and waited a couple seconds. The alligator was coming up fast. The snakes grew faster though. They expanded so much there was hardly room for one body against the next, but the heads were still stuck fast in the boots and the tails writhed like Medusa's wig.

The alligator lunged at me. He had not counted on the action of the enlarged tails, however. Whap! Whap! Whap! Several dozen snakes whipped across his snout with force of snapping bridge cables. He was knocked back a few feet. He came at me again, and was again knocked back. He would not give up. Again and again he lunged, more times than I could count. Finally the beast lost consciousness and the snakes beat him to death.

I managed to drag the body to a dry hillock. There I skinned it. I took the hide with me to Tebeauvilee, where I had it turned into a fine pair of boots to replace the snake-bitten pair.

The alligator hide boots proved even better than the buffalo hide boots. For one thing, they were waterproof. For another, considering their previous owner's single-mindedness, I'd have to say that they were at least twice as thick.

As for the old boots, I tried cutting off the snake bodies from that pair, but they just kept growing back. I finally sold them to a lawyer running for political office, who used them as an example of the wily ways of his opponents. He lost that election, but the boots were such an attention-getter that he used them for three more election campaigns.

One thing you can count on in this world: the persistence of reptiles and politicians.

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Another Use for Politics

It was hot and dry again this week. My wife is now boiling shadows to water her garden.

I am working on a compound that makes use of political tracts as a fertilizer. I grew some very large watermelons earlier this summer with just a single campaign promise. Unfortunately, when we cut them open we found they were full of hot air. I am persevering, however. It seems to be more economical than actual manure, since a little bit goes a very long way.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Yankee and Other Languages

I have been learning a new language, to help widen sales of Wizard Water^©. Of course as a doctor I must know Latin, but most folks don’t speak Latin, and it even confuses a few pharmacists when I write a prescription (I am often asked to translate “izard-way ater-way”).

So now I’m learning “Yankee.” It’s like English, but louder. Already I can say “Wassamatta?” (“What’s the matter?”), “Gedowdadaway” (Get out of the way) and “Yoozegize” (Y’all). I expect to be fluent fairly soon, as languages come easily to me.

Next I will take up “Washington Politician.” I would like to seek funding for my perpetual motion machine and luminescent dairy cow, and it may help.

Perpetual Motion Machine

I am working on a perpetual motion machine. Some people think such a thing is not possible, but I have heard women discuss men’s faults and know this is not so. If we can only harness the power of dissatisfaction we might be able to replace horses and mules with personal vehicles whose only maintenance requirements are hot air and a list of chores that need to be done.

I have invented a device that almost works. It uses a combination of naturally generated friction and hot air that can be found in any state capitol. In fact, it once ran for 18 months on little else, but then the legislature stopped arguing and passed the bill. I am currently pursuing a way to attach the device to lawsuits.

copyright ©2009 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Doc Johnson's Advice for Poker Players

I lost a bit of money playing poker the other night and has some advice for other players:

1. If you want to walk away with your winnings, never play cards with a man named “Deadeye.”

2. Playing poker is usually safer than betting on horses. It’s a lot easier to hide a card up your sleeve.

3. Don’t play with another man’s deck. He might be as crooked as you are and know where you’re hiding the aces.

4. Never play poker with politicians. They can bluff a whole lot better than you can.

5. Poker should never be a game of chance.

copyright ©2009 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.