New Year’s Resolutions

• Buy thinner cards. 
• Never roll up sleeves during a poker game. 
• Keep glue away from gravy, and vice-versa. 
• Be a friend to all, especially those who can’t read. 
• Always reward the stableboy for news of the sheriff’s whereabouts. 
• Keep all pockets in good repair. 
• Urge wife to bake more pies. 
• Teach Bleb how to play Five Card Stud. 
• Teach Bleb to keep a poker face when he gets a good hand. 
• Learn to speak better Pig Latin. 
• Invent a cologne that appeals to miners. 
• Eat steak more often. 
• Increase influence over the laws of chance.

Copyright © 2013 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

A Tiff in Tombstone

There was a fracas in Tombstone yesterday. I was engaged in a friendly card game, minding my own business, when a fellow ran in and asked if I would please hold his pistol for him, as he had urgent business in Texas. I told him of course I would, for a small fee. He hurriedly pulled out a wad of bills from one pocket, said, “keep the change,” and skedaddled out the back door.

I happened to have a fine set of aces within easy reach at that moment and planned to double his largesse, but gunfire suddenly erupted outside. I sought cover. A minute or so later Marshal Earp strode in. He pulled me by my coat collar from under the table and demanded to know if I’d seen anyone run through. At first I denied seeing anyone, but he recognized the gun I was holding. He searched my pockets. When he found my holding fee, plus the tip the fellow had left, he put me under arrest. The marshal claimed that the man I’d assisted was really a cattle thief and I was in league with him. I denied it, of course. The marshal promised that I would hang.

I worked out a deal, though. I will show the marshal and his men the direction in which the fellow ran, and the marshal will release me – after deducting a small holding fee. It is not an exorbitant charge -- it exactly matches the amount that fellow paid me, plus the tip. I’m glad to know my prices are level with this area’s marketplace.

I expect to explain that later today when folks ask me about the price of Wizard Water^©.




[Thanks to the Booth Western Art Museum Cowboy Festival for another great event!]

Copyright © 2013 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

The Gravity Problem

I'm pleased to announce that I have solved the gravity problem.

As we all know, too many things hit the ground that shouldn't -- among them vases, flyballs, and unpleasant facts.

Here is the cure: Wizard Water^© plus helium. Wizard Water's natural intensifying effects are amplified with the addition of this rare air, and the effect can be put to good use.

Do you occasionally drop a glass of whiskey, or a large amount of money on a horse named "Dust Devil"? Do you sometimes find yourself sitting in the dirt outside a saloon for no good reason? Wizard Water^© and a little light gas can help.

The next time you notice yourself in a situation that requires equilibrium or the application of a counterforce to keep you from getting carried away, try the following: mix a few drops of Wizard Water^© with an ounce or more of helium. Shake well, and pour it over the object on which gravity or imprudence may exert its influence.

Whether the subject is a pitcher full of beer or a minister delivering a sermon on the evils of drinking, the aforementioned concoction will lighten it and counteract imbalance. Try to drop a mug that has been treated with this formulation -- the mug will float to the rafters. Angry customers will inspire laughter, and advice from your mother-in-law will not weigh down anyone.

Just take care not to apply this mixture to campaign speeches. Such items are mostly hot air to begin with, and additional inflation can cause the speaker to float off with his words.

Copyright © 2012 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

The Fine Art of Misdirection

A customer once told me that to deliberately mislead people is a sin. I say misdirection is a skill that can save your life. Some years ago I was on the road home after having sold my entire stock of Wizard Water^© when I was suddenly struck with a high fever. It was so severe that Death showed up at my wagon, telling me it was time to go.

Now I had had a few brushes with Death before. I knew he had to have authorization before he could collect a soul. So I asked to see the authorization. After perusing it, I handed it back to him.

“You’ve got the wrong fellow, sir,” I said, “This is for a woman!” Well he looked at the paper and scratched his head. “I could’ve sworn it had your name!” he said, puzzled. “Do you know where this Miss Lydia Pinkham lives?”

“Massachusetts,” I replied. “Best hurry.” So he rode away.

Some of you folks might think it unseemly to direct the Grim Reaper to an innocent woman, but Miss Pinkham was in the patent medicine business, too. In fact, she was once in a similar situation and told me how she got out of it.

"I simply asked to see the authorization,” she declared. “And luckily, I had one of your Doc Johnson advertising sheets on hand. It matched the size of the paperwork exactly. When you deal in mass quantities, you don’t care for details. All this fellow wanted was a name in print.”

Her resourcefulness led to several close calls for me. Luckily I’m pretty resourceful too (and good with a deck of cards). Since hearing her story I also make sure I always have the advertising fliers of my fellow patent medicine sales folks on hand, just in case. I’m not too worried about what will happen when Death catches up with them due to a little misdirection on my part. They’ll think of something. Their instinct for survival likely explains why Death comes back knocking at my door so often. Either that or he just likes a good game of poker.

* * *

Doc’s New Year’s Resolutions

1. Don't excercise, as it leads to fatigue.

2. Hand over the day-to-day work reins to assistant in order to concentrate on product development.

3. Teach assistant Bleb accounting and how to play banjo.

4. Develop a hair restorative that doesn’t explode or eat through the bottle.

5. Develop more games of chance that aren’t.

6. Invent a cure for which there is no disease, and market the hell out of it.

7. Hide money where “Mrs. Doc” won’t find it.

8. Don’t hide paper money in the hay bin that the mule eats out of.

9. Convince printer to pay for labels in exchange for free advertising.

10. Convince mother-in-law that she should visit Tierra del Fuego.

11. Never warm the label glue near the stove when the wife is preparing gravy.

12. Eat fewer beans, at least before a show.

copyright ©2008 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.