Sunday, February 28, 2010

The Secret to Longevity

The secret to longevity is to live as long as possible. Proper diet and exercise can help. Here are a few tips on how you can incorporate proper diet and exercise into your life:
  1. Do not overeat.
  2. Do not undereat.
  3. Do not eat anything your mother-in-law fixes after a heated discussion.
  4. Do not eat near wild animals, or dispute their claim to a meal you thought was yours.
  5. Chew your food thoroughly. Always spit out foreign objects such as sand and lead shot.
  6. Do not eat with your back to the door, or your head in full profile near a window.
  7. Always eat in a room with at least two exits.
  8. Practice running. Running is a vastly underestimated aid to longer life.
  9. Swimming can also extend your life.
  10. Do not forget how to climb. Some people regard climbing as just a sport for young boys, but the ability to climb trees and scale walls is physically beneficial for adults, as well.
  11. Practice ducking on a regular basis. Ducking – the act of suddenly bending one’s head or entire body to one side or another -- is a good form of exercise, as it maintains muscle flexibillity and keeps you mentally alert.
All of the above practices, combined with the help of Wizard Water©, will contribute to a longer and healthier life than you would have known otherwise. Last but not least: learn when to stop talking. This is called “exercising restraint.” It is a particularly healthful form of exercise, especially when combined with running, swimming, ducking, or tree-climbing. If you doubt this, just look at me -- I am living proof that it works.

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Yankee and Other Languages

I have been learning a new language, to help widen sales of Wizard Water©. Of course as a doctor I must know Latin, but most folks don’t speak Latin, and it even confuses a few pharmacists when I write a prescription (I am often asked to translate “izard-way ater-way”).

So now I’m learning “Yankee.” It’s like English, but louder. Already I can say “Wassamatta?” (“What’s the matter?”), “Gedowdadaway” (Get out of the way) and “Yoozegize” (Y’all). I expect to be fluent fairly soon, as languages come easily to me.

Next I will take up “Washington Politician.” I would like to seek funding for my perpetual motion machine and luminescent dairy cow, and it may help.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Romantic Notions

There are many tokens and notions you can give to a woman that will earn her affection – flowers, perfume, candy, and jewelry – but most of these cost a good amount of money. I have found a few fairly inexpensive things that you can do or get for your sweetheart which have the added advantage of leaving her speechless. I offer them here for the inspiration they may provide:
  1. Put some suet on her favorite bonnet, so songbirds will alight on it.
  2. Whitewash the dinner plates.
  3. Starch her best tablecloth into a form that both fits neatly and firmly over the table and offers a sculptural centerpiece for the placement of special dishes.
  4. Spread chicken feed in the yard to spell the words “I Love You”, and make sure to call her after the chickens are released.
  5. Oil the butter churn.
  6. Fill the well bucket with catfish.
  7. Buy her a pair of bright plaid stockings. Plaid stockings are both appreciated and cheaper than any other kind of stocking. You can gussy them up with a little lace.
  8. Give her a hat decorated with ribbons and stuffed squirrels. Or ribbons, stuffed squirrels, and suet.
These are just a few of the romantic gestures and notions with which you can impress your loved one with a minimal investment of cash. I guarantee she won’t know what to say.

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

The Farmer’s Friend

Every product I develop is thoroughly tested at home before I take it on the road. I may stop this practice, however. Last summer I came up with a way to help farmers who must milk their cows before sunrise. I collected a lot of lightning bugs and fed them to our cow. Sure enough, her udders began to glow in the dark. I neglected to tell my wife about it, though, before I went out on a sales trip. When I returned a few days later, she told me that if I planned to market this product I should also include something to treat chickens that stop laying eggs – as ours had -- due to prolonged exposure to a woman’s screams.

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.