Chicken Salve

I have created a salve to encourage chickens to bathe. Most chickens do not bathe, and this increases the chance of disease. My salve is made of pine rosin, beeswax, camphor, bull steer manure and turpentine. One gathers the ingredients in a certain ratio according to a formula of my devising, and heats it all until melted. The mixture is then applied to the fowl -- either with a house painting brush or a sheet that has been soaked in the salve.

Chickens treated thus will either rush to the nearest creek or, lacking immediate relief, drop all their feathers. Either way, one then need not worry about fowl diseases, as the chickens are unlikely to return home.

Copyright © 2013 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

The Chicken Activator

Wizard Water^© also makes an excellent chicken activator. If your chickens are sluggish, not laying, or already stuffing a pillow, sprinkle a few drops of my elixir over them, and stand back. They will revive in a most lively manner.

I was once lost in the Ruby Mountain range of the Nevada territory, when I found myself surrounded by Shoshone warriors. They tied me to a stake and started to gamble over my belongings. I realized that once they divvied up everything, I would not be long for this world. Then I noticed that their leader had a magnificent headdress full of what appeared to be many kinds of bird feathers. He laid it down near me to keep it from interfering with his gambling.

Though tied up, I managed to pull out a flask of Wizard Water that I always keep within my vest.

"Ho!" I cried suddenly. “Steal my property and I shall send yours back to where it came from!” With a flourish I sprinkled some of my elixir on the headdress. Seconds later, several feathers sprouted legs, then wings, then a full body.

Soon part of the headdress transformed into an eagle. The rest of the headdress followed suit. Up popped two hawks, a turkey, an owl, three falcons and several smaller birds that I did not recognize. My captors paused and looked at each other, muttering. I prayed that the headdress had received enough of my elixir to effect a full reaction. It did indeed. The birds continued to grow, and grow.....until they towered over us. Within minutes, they reached twice the height of the chief! The Indians appeared puzzled but stood their ground. The raptors grew full sets of teeth. The braves mounted their horses and rode away at full gallop. The birds -- most of them hunters -- took chase.

I never learned of the fate of the hunters, human or animal, but I was grateful that the former panicked. I was counting on it, in fact. I knew that I would maintain my composure. Giant birds of prey with sharp teeth may seem frightening but they do not bother me. In my experience, hen-pecking is much worse.


Copyright © 2012 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

Chicken Wrangling

Out West the farmers have so much open space that they try to do everything on a large scale. I met a fellow who kept a chicken ranch of over 5000 birds. He herded them like cattle. Every fall specially trained dogs and poultry wranglers would drive the flock south to fields he owned in Florida. Come spring they'd move north again. "It's a tedious process," he said, "but they can't handle winter on the plains."

I suggested he add a little Wizard Water^© to their feed. "They will either warm up with calisthenics, or fly all the way to Ocala," I said. He did as I suggested, and sure enough, the trip to Florida was shortened by half.

However, with extra time on their hands, the birds started getting into poker games with the wranglers. They used themselves as collateral. The wranglers, who couldn’t read the birds’ expressions, began losing games, and often accused them of cheating.

This came to an abrupt end on the return trip when the flock thundered through a field outside of Abilene. They churned up the crops so badly that the sheriff fined the farmer 25 cents per chicken to pay for damages.

Since then, the farmer ships his chickens by train. It costs more than traveling by foot, he says, but it’s cheaper than paying a fine for what the sheriff called "disturbing the peas." Plus, the birds aren’t allowed to run free, so he doesn’t have to worry about fowl play.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Safety Tips

There are many ways to celebrate the fourth of July, but enthusiasm should be tempered with caution. Here are a few tips to keep in mind:

1. Always make sure that your Roman candles are pointed away from yourself.
2. Do not come between a cannon and a countdown.
3. Make certain that any mortars you light are not aimed at occupied buildings, including chicken houses.

If you discover too late that your rockets were indeed aimed at an egg production facility, it may help to know that a sudden shock to birds helps to prevent avian flu. Tell the owner of the demolished chicken shed that the surviving flock will be stronger and more disease-resistant. A few birds may be lost and the feather quality of those remaining may suffer, but what a small price to pay for peace of mind regarding the health of the rest of flock!

This should buy you enough time to catch the next train out of town.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Wizard Water Strengthens Poultry

Wizard Water^© is excellent for strengthening poultry, if you give them enough motivation. I had a customer near Pikeville, Kentucky who kept his liquid corn production facility in a chicken house, in order to mask the smell of fermenting sour mash. One day he decided to add a little Wizard Water to give it an extra kick. The chickens got into the mash and nearly devoured his entire product. He moved the still, but the birds found it. Now every fall after the corn harvest he must place the equipment in a different location. The birds always return. He moves it further upstate each time, but the chickens are determined, and they have been strengthened by my elixir. You may doubt me, but it's true. If you happen to be in eastern Kentucky this fall, just look for a flock of chickens flying north.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Romantic Notions

There are many tokens and notions you can give to a woman that will earn her affection – flowers, perfume, candy, and jewelry – but most of these cost a good amount of money. I have found a few fairly inexpensive things that you can do or get for your sweetheart which have the added advantage of leaving her speechless. I offer them here for the inspiration they may provide:

1. Put some suet on her favorite bonnet, so songbirds will alight on it.
2. Whitewash the dinner plates.
3. Starch her best tablecloth into a form that both fits neatly and firmly over the table and offers a sculptural centerpiece for the placement of special dishes.
4. Spread chicken feed in the yard to spell the words “I Love You”, and make sure to call her after the chickens are released.
5. Oil the butter churn.
6. Fill the well bucket with catfish.
7. Buy her a pair of bright plaid stockings. Plaid stockings are both appreciated and cheaper than any other kind of stocking. You can gussy them up with a little lace.
8. Give her a hat decorated with ribbons and stuffed squirrels. Or ribbons, stuffed squirrels, and suet.

These are just a few of the romantic gestures and notions with which you can impress your loved one with a minimal investment of cash. I guarantee she won’t know what to say.

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

The Farmer’s Friend

Every product I develop is thoroughly tested at home before I take it on the road. I may stop this practice, however. Last summer I came up with a way to help farmers who must milk their cows before sunrise. I collected a lot of lightning bugs and fed them to our cow. Sure enough, her udders began to glow in the dark. I neglected to tell my wife about it, though, before I went out on a sales trip. When I returned a few days later, she told me that if I planned to market this product I should also include something to treat chickens that stop laying eggs – as ours had -- due to prolonged exposure to a woman’s screams.

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Practical Advice of a Wide-Ranging Nature

Never clean your boots with kerosene if your wife is prone to drying them near the fireplace.

Ladies, if you need a safe place to keep your grocery money when you go to town, consider hiding it in your bustle. Wrap your coins well, though, lest you rattle.

When feeding chickens in the winter, add a little sulfur to the meal. This will liven up the birds and help keep their eggs warm. Do not try this on your mother-in-law.

Always compliment the cook, especially if there is no doctor in the vicinity.

Vinegar, pepper and salt mixed together makes a good gargle for a sore throat, and whatever is left over will preserve vegetables.

Travel light - a man should be able to survive with just a pocketknife, a steel flint, and a canteen of water. Or a bagful of treasury bills.

A penny saved is a penny you can spend on candy.

Keep your gunpowder dry, and far away from the pepper grinder.

When gambling, do not bet with bullets, wedding rings, or dairy products. If possible, use mining deeds, treasure maps or Confederate money.

Always have an escape route.

copyright ©2009 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

A Cure for Hiccups

I have found a cure for the hiccups, but it is more trouble than it is worth. It involves corn mash, chickens and high explosives.

I would go into detail, but don’t want to implicate certain individuals of short temper who conduct activities regarded as illegal by some authorities in this region. I will say this: never allow chickens near a still, especially if there is a mining operation nearby. The Dahlonega magistrate has been trying for over a week to identify the source of a flock of defeathered poultry that dropped on the courthouse on New Year’s day.

copyright ©2009 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.