Sunday, November 27, 2011

Political Advice

A word of advice: Never eat dinner at your mother-in-law's house if you vote for the "Free Silver" Party. She will hide all the utensils.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Things to Be Thankful For

  1. Ten cords of firewood, stacked and dry under the shed.
  2. A clean chimney, from which all starling nests have been removed.
  3. A bin full of coal, even though it cost you your gambling winnings.
  4. A roof that doesn't leak because you spent two days putting down new tarpaper.
  5. Sweet potatoes all dug up and curing in the basement.
  6. A ham and a turkey, though they cost almost as much as the coal.
  7. A well-fed, newly-shod mule who doesn't have foot-rot.
  8. Two sacks of cornmeal, a sack of sugar, ditto coffee beans and 20 tins of oysters.
  9. No plans to travel out of town on business.
  10. A wife guaranteed all the previous things, and who is therefore willing to fix you dinner.
copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

A Dissatisfied Customer

I was at a hotel in Abilene awhile back and met a cowboy who'd just ridden into town after being on the trail for a couple months. He was hot, dusty and exhausted. After hearing me extol the virtues of my elixir, he purchased a bottle and retired to his room.

Later that afternoon I was accosted by the hotel manager.

"Did you sell some of your Wizard Water© to the cowhand in room 202," he demanded. I admitted that I had indeed sold my elixir to a fellow of that trade, but did not know in what room he resided.

"Well right now he resides in a bathtub!" cried the manager. "He cannot get out and says that you are responsible! What do you know about this?"

I told the manager that I did not place any hotel guests in hot water. "Just how," I added, "did the fellow say he got into such a predicament?"

"He says he drank a jigger of your Wizard Water©. Then he poured some into his bath for good measure."

"Oh dear," I said.

"'Oh dear' indeed! He now exceeds the circumference of the vessel in which he sits! Indeed, sir, he overflows it! "

"Well the fault clearly lies with this cattle-wrangler. I always caution my patients to take only a small prescribed dose. He has clearly exceeded that dose," I replied.

"Yes, but he is too tightly wedged and cannot budge! How can we separate him from the tub? We have guests waiting to use it," cried the manager.

"I cannot help you there, sir" I replied. "I am a medicine salesman, not a civil engineer."

I left soon thereafter. The cowboy's condition would eventually revert to normal, I knew, but I did not want to encounter him after his uncomfortable experience -- particularly if he discovered that the drain and plug had branded him.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Variety Acts

I was up in Dahlonega last night for another Mountain Music and Medicine Show. Sawnee Creek, Mountain Rascals, American Honey and the Wild Turkeys, and Cedar Hill made the show one of the best ones yet – and not just because Jim Adkins of Cedar Hill did a terrific duck impersonation.

I have worked at bringing a singing animal into my medicine show, but it is difficult to teach a parakeet to keep up with a banjo. Bleb is also giving me trouble. He only knows “Happy Birthday to You,” won’t learn anything else, and -- according to my wife -- he sings off-key.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.