Sunday, April 29, 2012

Another Mountain Music and Medicine Show

I'll be in Dahlonega again this coming Saturday night to host another Mountain Music and Medicine Show. The musical guests will be Bluegrass Alliance, Elise Witt, the Hobohemians, and the Buzzard Mountain Boys.

I'm looking forward to seeing those boys from Buzzard Mountain again. They owe me a pair of pigs and a new hat. I'll explain why if I can get the pigs out of the county without any trouble.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

The Chicken Activator

Wizard Water© also makes an excellent chicken activator. If your chickens are sluggish, not laying, or already stuffing a pillow, sprinkle a few drops of my elixir over them, and stand back. They will revive in a most lively manner.

I was once lost in the Ruby Mountain range of the Nevada territory, when I found myself surrounded by Shoshone warriors. They tied me to a stake and started to gamble over my belongings. I realized that once they divvied up everything, I would not be long for this world. Then I noticed that their leader had a magnificent headdress full of what appeared to be many kinds of bird feathers. He laid it down near me to keep it from interfering with his gambling.

Though tied up, I managed to pull out a flask of Wizard Water that I always keep within my vest.

"Ho!" I cried suddenly. “Steal my property and I shall send yours back to where it came from!” With a flourish I sprinkled some of my elixir on the headdress. Seconds later, several feathers sprouted legs, then wings, then a full body.

Soon part of the headdress transformed into an eagle. The rest of the headdress followed suit. Up popped two hawks, a turkey, an owl, three falcons and several smaller birds that I did not recognize. My captors paused and looked at each other, muttering. I prayed that the headdress had received enough of my elixir to effect a full reaction. It did indeed. The birds continued to grow, and grow.....until they towered over us. Within minutes, they reached twice the height of the chief! The Indians appeared puzzled but stood their ground. The raptors grew full sets of teeth. The braves mounted their horses and rode away at full gallop. The birds -- most of them hunters -- took chase.

I never learned of the fate of the hunters, human or animal, but I was grateful that the former panicked. I was counting on it, in fact. I knew that I would maintain my composure. Giant birds of prey with sharp teeth may seem frightening but they do not bother me. In my experience, hen-pecking is much worse.

Copyright © 2012 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Town vs. Country: A Time Perspective

Have you ever noticed how things move much faster in cities than in the country? That is because the close aggregation of people in cities speeds up time. The greater the distance between people, the longer it takes to do anything. This is why Sundays in New York City only take 3 hours, but a Sunday in Toccoa, Georgia takes all day and half of Monday.

I was reminded of this after a recent trip from Atlanta to Toccoa. I left by wagon early on a Sunday morning and was out of town and headed northeast in less than an hour. As soon as we passed the Atlanta city limits, though, our pace slowed considerably. For every mile that my mule Bleb carried the wagon forward, half a day would pass. We eventually reached our destination, but it took six months. By that time a rail line had been laid in. This angered the client I was travelling to see; he refused to pay travel expenses since I was obviously following the longest route, and it upset Bleb no end when he found out he could have taken the sleeping car.

From now on, on such trips I will blindfold Bleb. It may be that he can maintain a good pace as long as he thinks people are nearby. I will also tell him that the shortest distance between two points is usually the one for which you get paid.

Copyright © 2012 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Another List

muleThis past Friday one of my customers added Wizard Water© to his wife's butter churn, thinking it would speed up the butter-making process and ease her labor. The vibrations of the pounding plunger were amplified, however, and caused his house to collapse instead.

I have made a list of things not to do with Wizard Water© and will add "butter churning" to the list.

I was present when the house collapsed, and immediately afterward I remembered that I had to catch a train. Unfortunately the locomotive had already left the station, and it took some vigorous running on my part to reach the caboose. Since I am still exhausted, I shall close with a joke that Bleb told me:

Question: What do you get when you cross a cow with a rabbit?

Answer: Hare in your milk.

(I did not say it was funny joke, just that Bleb told it. He has better taste in hats.)

Copyright © 2012 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Accosted at Gunpoint, Part II

cowboys pushing wagonDid I mention that my wagon suffered wheel damage in last week's fracas? The barrage of bullets that followed the Cobb County Gang's assault was so intense that it splintered three spokes and chewed half a horseshoe's length out of the rim.

After the sheriff took the bandits into custody, he asked if I would testify as a witness to their crimes.

"How can I, sheriff?" I asked, "I can't get to the court where the trial will be held!" I pointed to the wounded wheel. "I can't even make it to the nearest town."

"Don't worry, sir," said the sheriff, "these gentlemen will be glad to assist you."

He instructed the remaining gang members to push my wagon wherever I wished. I told them I had an urgent appointment in Nacogdoches, Texas. We went there first. In that place I was not only able to get the wheel fixed, but I also sold my entire supply of Wizard Water© to the town's residents -- after incorporating the tale of the robbery into my presentation.

Which just goes to show that, while crime does not pay, one can profit from it.