Sunday, September 30, 2012

The Harvest Moon - Its Advantages and Disadvantages

The full moon is upon us. Many find it a source of romantic or poetic inspiration. It also has practical aspects, though.

For me a full moon is a critical time for production of Wizard Water©. Part of my receipt for manufacturing my elixir depends upon timing. Because water rises during the waxing phase of the moon, Wizard Water© can only achieve its strongest efficacy if produced during the moon’s fullest exposure to the Earth. This is one of the reasons why Wizard Water© is so expensive ($2 a bottle): it can only be produced under a full or near-full, waxing moon. To do otherwise spells disaster.

To give you an example: I once thought I would save time and increase my profits by generating a some Wizard Water© during a waning moon. The lunar orb was near full, but entering into the reduced end of the spectrum. Nevertheless, I labored on a fresh batch, and sold most of it to a pig farmer. He later returned to me and demanded a refund. His complaint: his drift of pigs shrank to the size of acorns. They were covered by the autumn leaves and were not found until spring, so he lost an entire season's profits, or so he thought. The farmer threatened a lawsuit, declaring that I practiced theft by deception.

I was saved from a legal entanglement by the recovery of the pigs. I gauged the prevailing direction of the wind and located them in a corn field about 20 miles from the owner's farm. They had been blown there by a winter storm and survived on fallen cobs. By that time they were larger than acorns, but still so small that it took three of them to make one strip of bacon. This turned out to be an advantage for the farmer, because bacon was scarce in early spring and commanded a high price. Small pigs were also easier to ship in mail sacks. He wound up making a tidy profit. I did not take any shortcuts with production after that, however.

So feel free to romanticize that rotund, glowing traveler in the night sky (the moon, not the wind-blown pigs)! Remember, though, that there is a practical side to everything. The effect of a waxing moon on Wizard Water© is not much different than its effect on swindlers and swine. Timing is everything.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Marital Advice

Never try to compliment your wife by telling her that her biscuits saved your life. At least, don’t tell her that they knocked out the fellow chasing you.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

On the Subject of Birthdays

Birthdays should always be celebrated with as much excess as possible. No celebratory depth should remain unplumbed; no height unscaled.

Don't just let friends sing to you, hire a terrier trained to howl a Verdi aria as well.

If drinks are free, drink as much as possible. When your host offers a toast to your health, toast him in return  - and keep toasting until you've used up a case of your favorite beverage.

Likewise, while candles are a common way to remember the passage of years, Roman candles make a stronger impact. Light a set of three dozen or more Roman candles on your apple cake, and neither you nor your guests will soon forget the event.

In other words, on your birthday don't settle for the expected. Insist on the extreme; also on a ready ticket out of town.
Copyright © 2012 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

A High Wind

An old cowboy cook once told me how  Wizard Water© helped save a meal. A strong wind came up one afternoon, he said, and made it impossible to control the campfire. It blew the flames so fiercely that they separated from the coals and took off across the plains. The cook was compelled to give chase in his chuckwagon. He caught up with the flames but could see no way to stop their forward movement. Finally, he grabbed a bottle of  Wizard Water© from under the driver’s seat and circled the sparks while sprinkling the elixir on the ground. The flames could not cross the super-saturated earth and had to stay corralled until the Wizard Water©evaporated. The cook was able to finish baking his beans and boiling his Arbuckles. He’d travelled a good 20 miles ahead of the outfit though, and had to endure much complaining from the wranglers when they finally found him.

“That warn’t nuthin’,” he told me, “if the wind had blowed in t’other direction they’d be eatin’ in Cincinatti.”

He said that now he always keeps a bottle of Wizard Water© handy, “because you never know what kind of wind will blow your way.” A sentiment with which I heartily agree.

By the way, I will be emceeing the second annual Tony & Ann Ianuario Bluegrass Festival on Saturday, September 15 at "Hurricane Shoals Park amphitheater near Maysville, Georgia. Come on over if you're in the area!

Copyright © 2012 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

A Mite Too Hot

The show went well last night, but it was a little warm inside the theater. In hopes of raising a breeze, I added a little of my elixir to the brush of a washboard player.

Sure enough, the brush picked up speed. The increased friction caused sparks to fly off the board, though, and before you knew it, Cornbread Ted's mandolin caught fire. Luckily a flat-foot dancer was able to stomp Ted out, and the audience thought the whole event was part of the act. Ted, who had experienced worse when a bee once caused an audience to stampede, carried on.

From now on when the weather is warm I shall just attach a fan to the nearest fiddle player.

Copyright © 2012 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.