More Weather Problems

The wind continues to play havoc with my product. Yesterday it blew my wagon against a cliff wall and then moved the wall two feet further west. The wagon would have been shattered if it wasn’t full of Wizard Water^©. The strength of my product reinforced the wagon frame and so averted complete disaster.

However, some inconvenience was incurred. The constant pressure of the wind blowing up from under the carriage pushed the bottles out of shape. They became narrower at the bottom and wider at the top. In fact, they strongly resembled gin bottles. At my next stop, a racetrack, I was delayed by a revenue man. I tried to explain to him that the containers were NOT gin bottles, merely victims of wind shear.

He would have none of it. He insisted I pay the required liquor tax. So I told him that I was selling a powerful new horse tonic. It was so strong, I declared, that it invacuated wide-based bottles and altered the shape of glass. Likewise it strengthened hooves and enabled a beast to leap twice the height of ordinary hurdles.

“Why do you think I am at a racetrack?” I said. “I did not wish to say so at first, but I am here to replenish the stock of a certain prize-winning jockey.”

He bought two cases.

I still believe that honesty is the best policy -- but only if it works.

Copyright © 2012 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

Unsettling Weather

The weather has been finicky of late. The other day a dry spell hovering over the area was suddenly interrupted by a windstorm blowing in from the east and an ice storm from the north. It happened so suddenly that frogs leaping out of the creek were tossed into the air, frozen and dehydrated within seconds. My wife’s laundry was similarly afflicted. She had hung it out on a line to dry, and it all froze. Then the desert-like air shrank everything. I tried re-sizing the sheets with Wizard Water^©, but I was off on the proportions. Now they are only fit for ship’s sails.

I hope the weather settles, as this does not bode well for winter. I also do not wish to see any more of my vests converted into sofa upholstery.

A High Wind

An old cowboy cook once told me how  Wizard Water^© helped save a meal. A strong wind came up one afternoon, he said, and made it impossible to control the campfire. It blew the flames so fiercely that they separated from the coals and took off across the plains. The cook was compelled to give chase in his chuckwagon. He caught up with the flames but could see no way to stop their forward movement. Finally, he grabbed a bottle of  Wizard Water^© from under the driver’s seat and circled the sparks while sprinkling the elixir on the ground. The flames could not cross the super-saturated earth and had to stay corralled until the Wizard Water^©evaporated. The cook was able to finish baking his beans and boiling his Arbuckles. He’d travelled a good 20 miles ahead of the outfit though, and had to endure much complaining from the wranglers when they finally found him.

“That warn’t nuthin’,” he told me, “if the wind had blowed in t’other direction they’d be eatin’ in Cincinatti.”

He said that now he always keeps a bottle of Wizard Water^© handy, “because you never know what kind of wind will blow your way.” A sentiment with which I heartily agree.

By the way, I will be emceeing the second annual Tony & Ann Ianuario Bluegrass Festival on Saturday, September 15 at "Hurricane Shoals Park amphitheater near Maysville, Georgia. Come on over if you're in the area!

Copyright © 2012 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

A Mite Too Hot

The show went well last night, but it was a little warm inside the theater. In hopes of raising a breeze, I added a little of my elixir to the brush of a washboard player.

Sure enough, the brush picked up speed. The increased friction caused sparks to fly off the board, though, and before you knew it, Cornbread Ted's mandolin caught fire. Luckily a flat-foot dancer was able to stomp Ted out, and the audience thought the whole event was part of the act. Ted, who had experienced worse when a bee once caused an audience to stampede, carried on.

From now on when the weather is warm I shall just attach a fan to the nearest fiddle player.

Copyright © 2012 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

How to Deal with Mildew

This winter has been wet, but not as wet as the winter of ’73. That January was so damp that the mildew found its way into the Wizard Water^© I had stored in the basement, sprouted roots and branches, and lifted our house off its foundation. I nearly panicked, but the growth favored warmth and headed towards the coast. I waited until we reached Savannah (where I had business anyway) then boiled off the remaining elixir. The house dropped onto Johnson Square and sits there to this day. Upon the conclusion of my business I sold the structure, except for the basement (which remained on the property up north). The money paid for a new home on the old property with the addition of a furnace.

We should not encounter such a situation again, but if we do I have prepared a map of the best sections of several cities south of here. Weather can be a problem or an opportunity, depending on your perspicacity.

Copyright © 2012 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

Blizzard in a Bottle

I remember the blizzard of ’88 – it arrived one afternoon in March just as I was bringing Bleb into the barn. It blew in so fast that his tail froze before he could get inside. It froze my shadow to the outside wall, too, and if there hadn’t been an axe nearby I’d have been there until spring. Luckily my wife had just burnt a pan of cornbread; I was able to pull myself into the house by grabbing the smoke that had drifted out of the kitchen window.

Now some folks think the storm of ’88 was just Mother Nature reminding everyone who was boss, but I believe it was caused by a misapplication of Wizard Water^©.

I am occasionally asked if Wizard Water^© can do anything about the weather. Of course it can. Fill a bottle with snow, add a few drops of concentrated Wizard Water^©, seal the contents tightly and store it in a dark place such as your root cellar. Come summer, tie the bottle to a kite. When the bottle is nearly out of sight, shoot it. The winds will scatter snow over the landscape below, and the summer heat will melt the snow into a welcome shower. The drawback to this is that you cannot always control where the rain will fall. I once tried selling this product to farmers as a weather aid, but after accidentally flooding a church decided not to pursue the matter.

However, early in the spring of ’88 I had not yet reached that conclusion, and sold a case of my product for weather-related purposes to an aeronaut. This gentleman made his living demonstrating feats of daring from a hot air balloon. He was tired of jumping from the balloon and hoped Wizard Water^© would lead to a safer and more lucrative source of income. The last I saw of him, he was eagerly filling bottles during a snow flurry and storing them in the basket of his balloon.

The blizzard hit just a week after I sold him the case of Wizard Water^©. The gentleman travelled from town to town in his balloon, the better to advertise his craft and gather a crowd, and I strongly suspect that he met with some misfortune while in the air. Perhaps a flock of geese upset the basket; perhaps the balloon’s kerosene stove exploded. Whatever occurred released an inordinate amount of concentrated, wind-infused snow and cold air into the atmosphere.

Folks still talk about that storm. If you were outside, your words would freeze as soon as they left your mouth. Rooster calls and dog barks were only audible at high noon when the sun defrosted things a little. Train whistles couldn’t be heard in a timely manner, so conductors had to signal their arrival with fireworks. The bursts stayed suspended in the air, though, and kept everyone awake at night. Milk cows started giving ice cream. We noticed a new eagle ornament atop the town hall but later in the spring it flew off. By the time I got inside our kitchen that afternoon, the chimney was so choked with frozen smoke that we had to use a shotgun to clear it out. The storm lasted for a week, and every few hours we’d have to clear out the chimney again. At noon the air was full of the sound of roosters, dogs, fireworks and gun blasts.

This is why I no longer advertise Wizard Water^©’s weather-inducing properties. I advise others against using it for such purposes, too. If you do, use it inside so as not to disturb your neighbors.

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Signs of Rough Weather

When my wife noted in early August how thick the onion skins and corn husks were, I did not suspect that we were in for a rough winter. “You will have to start shucking the corn,” she told me, “because I just can’t pull the husks off. And if you wouldn’t mind, please get the axe and chop up a few onions.” I thought that she had been adding Wizard Water^© to her garden, but she swore that she knew better than to do that.

“A hard winter’s coming,” she said. “Haven’t you noticed how wooly the caterpillars are, and what a thick coat Bleb has put on?” I didn’t believe her. Later that month when I found several pounds of acorns in the wagon, I figured someone was playing a practical joke. “No, it is squirrels with foresight,” declared my wife. “Now just you watch the spiderwebs. If they are extra large, and if the crickets come into the kitchen before the first frost, we’re in for some harsh weather for sure.”

“Pah. Old wives’ tales,” I said, and threw the acorns into the pig trough.

I finally had to admit she was right, though, when the pigs started building a chimney. By the time I noticed, they’d gotten as high as the fence post.

“Those pigs will be more comfortable than us,” scolded my wife. “What will you do when you can’t drive the wagon because the roads are iced over? You will sit in this cold house with me, and I will remind you every day of all that you could have done.”

Let it never be said that I can’t adapt quickly. I went right to work. We have a new fireplace now on the north side of the house, and the attic is double-insulated. Still my wife complains. She says she was looking forward to bacon and ham this winter, and I had no right to promise the pigs a room in the basement in exchange for moving their project. Also, acorns keep dropping through cracks in the ceiling.

I tell her to feed them to the houseguests below.

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

New Product Meets With Publicity Setback

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Let it be known to the good citizens of Blairsville that the chicken mull explosion at the First Baptist Church last Saturday was not directly my fault.

It is true that I sold many packets of my new, concentrated Powdered Wizard Water^© in town earlier that day, but I warned one and all of its potency. I certainly should not be held accountable for the actions of whoever poured six bags of it into a kettle of chicken mull at the Smith-Thompson wedding reception.

(Do not worry – Judge Thompson is leading volunteers from the Men’s Prayer Group in removing stewed tomatoes and crackers from the rafters. The burn marks are also mostly erased from the walls, and they expect to have the hall ready in time for Wednesday night choir practice.) I am sorry that this Sunday’s service had to be held outside the church, and the weather did not cooperate.

Although I have been called away on urgent business in another part of the state, be assured that I will return to Blairsville at my earliest convenience, whenever that may be.

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