Sunday, April 24, 2011


Arbuckles coffeeA good pot of coffee is hard to beat. It wakes you up in the morning, keeps you alert on long rides, and warms you on cold nights. In fact, a good pot of coffee does the same things that a wife does, but at half the cost. The only drawback for bachelors is that they must fix the coffee themselves.

Here is my recipe:

- Bring a pot of water to a boil.
- Add a half pound of Arbuckles, taking care to remove the peppermint stick.
- Let it boil a good while - at least until the water is reduced by half.
- Add a drop or two of Wizard Water©.
- Stick a metal implement that you are willing to part with, such as a bent nail or a broken horseshoe, into the pot. If the implement stands up on its own, and does not dissolve after five minutes, the coffee is ready.

This brew will keep you going for at least a week, sometimes longer. I knew a cowboy who fixed his coffee this way before a cattle drive and, even though he fell asleep during an all-night ride, he stayed upright on his horse with his eyes open. His frozen posture and intense stare so impressed his compatriots that they took the rest of the trip off, as he appeared able to keep both the cows in line and cattle thieves at bay. When the fellow awoke two days later, he found he had developed a bad case of insectivitis -- too many bugs in the eyes -- but the bonus money he earned for bringing the herd in early more than covered the cost of treatment.

If you are a cowboy contemplating this brew, keep in mind that you will also need a well-trained horse who is familiar with the route and doesn't startle easily. And be sure the horse knows that at the end of the trail he'll get the peppermint stick.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

A Cure for Lost Shoes

horseshoe magnetDo you ever forget where you put your shoes? I knew a woman whose children constantly misplaced their boots. And though the family lived in a one-room cabin, she always had great difficulty finding their footwear first thing in the morning. One day all five pairs of boots might be sitting by the fireplace, another day she might find three left ones on a bedpost, two more in a windowsill, and six right ones under a pile of firewood.

"What am I to do, Doc?" she asked. "By the time I find my children's shoes, the sun is high in the sky and they are late for school."

I thought about her problem and came up with a solution -- and my latest invention -- magnetic soles.

"All you need do," I told her, "is run an iron baseboard around the inside of your cabin. Then tack these industrial magnets onto the bottom of your children's boots. The magnets are thick and resemble horseshoes, but if an equine animal can get used to metal footwear, surely your children, members of the human race and therefore superior creatures, can too."

The woman did as I suggested and reported success.

"Thanks to your invention, Doc, I always know where to look for my children's shoes -- along the baseboard," she said. " -- and if I tie the laces tight enough, that is where I can find the children, too."

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Words of Warning

Wizard Water©, like any medicine, must be used with care. Do not take more than the recommended amount. Do not apply it in concentrated doses to any organic matter, living or dead, without a doctor's supervision, unless I am well away from town.

Above all, do not spill it!

One of my clients carelessly uncorked a bottle of Wizard Water© while sitting on his bed, scattering elixir all over the mattress. Soon the feathers inside that mattress quadrupled in size. Unable to stand the pressure, the ticking split open. The stuffing spilled out and began to multiply. The activity continued thus until the poor man was hip-deep in feathers. He escaped, but the feathers filled the house. He had to wait three weeks before he could reenter his own home -- and managed to do so only because the weather turned cold and the plumes flew south. He tried to get a reimbursement from me for the contents of his good feather mattress, but I refused. I will not be held responsible for customer carelessness. Besides, come summer they might return home to roost.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

The Universal Solvent

Wizard Water© also makes an excellent cleaner. Be advised that in it's purest, undiluted form, though, it makes no distinction between dirt and other organic matter.

Copyright © 2011 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.