Sunday, July 25, 2010

The Recklessness of Youth

squashThis past Saturday I sold a bottle of Wizard Water© to a young lad in Toccoa with the usual warning that my product is highly concentrated and should only be used in small doses. He had other plans in mind, it turned out, because his mother came to me that afternoon and reported that she found her son wrapped in squash vines.

Apparently, after hearing what Wizard Water© can do, the boy decided that a full dose would save him the trouble of toting buckets of water to irrigate his family's garden. He recklessly poured a whole bottle of Wizard Water© over some freshly planted squash seeds. No sooner did he turn to get the hoe, however, than he heard a loud "boom!" and was showered with dirt. He looked back and saw that the squash plants had burst out of the soil. The vines were running towards him. Alarmed, he hacked at them with the hoe, but they grew so fast that he couldn't hit them twice in the same place.

He tried to flee, but the vines wrapped around his legs. Before he knew it, he was thoroughly enveloped. He called out to his mother -- too late. By the time she arrived the plants had carried the boy past the garden gate. The mother was distraught, of course, and ran to me for advice.

"Can he breathe?" I asked.

"Yes," she replied. "And we've gotten about fifteen pounds of squash off him already."

"Then I would leave him there for a day or so, long enough for him to consider the error of his ways and for you to harvest the crop that he was too lazy to take care of in the proper way. When you have enough squash, water the plant thoroughly with well water to dilute my elixir, and cut him free."

She promised to do as I advised.

Let this serve as a warning to other like-minded youth -- laziness does not pay! If you doubt me, you can go see for yourself -- the boy is situated directly opposite the Toccoa train depot...or he was yesterday. Just stay clear of the vines.

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Another Use for Politics

It was hot and dry again this week. My wife is now boiling shadows to water her garden.

I am working on a compound that makes use of political tracts as a fertilizer. I grew some very large watermelons earlier this summer with just a single campaign promise. Unfortunately, when we cut them open we found they were full of hot air. I am persevering, however. It seems to be more economical than actual manure, since a little bit goes a very long way.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Possum Music

possum and persimmonsA customer once asked me if Wizard Water© was good for anything besides treating human illness. "Certainly," I replied. "It is the banjo player's best friend. All you need is a bottle of my elixir, a bowl of persimmons, a set of matches, and a small cannon.

"Around dusk, put out a bowl filled with persimmons and Wizard Water©. Wait nearby with the cannon. When a possum appears and begins to sup from the bowl, carefully aim the cannon. Do not fire immediately, but wait until the Wizard Water© takes effect. You will know it has taken effect when the creature grows to about half the height of a barn. Then take careful aim and fire. Due to the creature's increased size, you will not miss. Make sure the cannon is aimed away from any human habitation.

"Once you have killed the possum, skin it as quickly as possible and stretch the undamaged portion of the hide over a banjo frame. The hide should tighten of its own accord within a few days. In no time at all you will have a musical instrument at almost no cost.

"The advantages of a possum skin banjo are two-fold: 1) it serves as a warning to other possum; 2) its homemade appearance serves as a warning to those who would consider earning a living with this instrument."

Possum skin banjos, by the way, produce a clear tone, with no more hissing than what a banjo player usually encounters.

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Fortified Fireworks

patriotic postcardWizard Water© should not be used in the manufacture of fireworks. This discovery came my way through serendipitous circumstances, which my concern for public safety compels me to share. Normally I would not risk a show on an untested product, but last week, in an unexpected conflagration, I lost some excellent Chinese fireworks that were intended for a special Fourth of July medicine show in Savannah.

Since there was no time to replace them, I thought to improvise some rockets of my own creation using gunpowder and various colorants blended with a little of my elixir. Unfortunately, I did not take into account the way water expands when heat is applied -- especially Wizard Water.

I don't have time right now to go into the details of what occurred (I am expected in Biloxi on urgent business). Rest assured that no one was hurt, unless you count those who were trampled in the stampede. I expect the bursts to shrink later tonight as the evening grows cooler.

If the ordnance sergeant at Fort Pulaski inquires after me, tell him his wagon is safe. He can retrieve it from the south moat below the colonel's quarters.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.