Sunday, January 29, 2012

How to Deal with Mildew

This winter has been wet, but not as wet as the winter of ’73. That January was so damp that the mildew found its way into the Wizard Water© I had stored in the basement, sprouted roots and branches, and lifted our house off its foundation. I nearly panicked, but the growth favored warmth and headed towards the coast. I waited until we reached Savannah (where I had business anyway) then boiled off the remaining elixir. The house dropped onto Johnson Square and sits there to this day. Upon the conclusion of my business I sold the structure, except for the basement (which remained on the property up north). The money paid for a new home on the old property with the addition of a furnace.

We should not encounter such a situation again, but if we do I have prepared a map of the best sections of several cities south of here. Weather can be a problem or an opportunity, depending on your perspicacity.

Copyright © 2012 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Substitute Ingredients

There is no substitute for Wizard Water©. I discovered this one day when I came up short for a key ingredient for my elixir.

I decided to try an alternate component that looked the same -- air-rubbed sleet mixed with chicken tears -- but the resulting product possessed none of the usual strength. In fact the only thing it did was attract women and chuck wagon cooks. This might have had its uses, but I could not think of any.

After nine marriage proposals and 12 onion pies, I dumped the remaining product into a nearby well and hastened to a locale where all the necessary ingredients were near at hand.

Keep this in mind if you ever travel through Oklahoma. The well is still out there, and attracts an undue number of people who insist that you come when called.

Copyright © 2012 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Pain Management

Wizard Water© is marvelous for amplifying pain. Headaches, arthritis, ax wounds - Wizard Water© can make them all feel much worse.

"Why would one wish to increase one's pain?" you ask. That is not the goal! Please do not think that I wish to increase suffering - far from it! I only recommend use of Wizard Water© for pain relief when all other methods have failed. If nothing else reduces your discomfort, try increasing it for a short period of time. Add to your migraine headache with increased pressure; double the ache of a severe gash with a loud, high-pitched ringing in your ears. Before long, you will find yourself wishing for your pre-Wizard-Water© state.

This is Wizard Water©'s great benefit -- it helps you to realize that things could be much worse. Therefore, when the effects of my elixir wear off, you will feel much better!

Several customers told me so, and I do not doubt them.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Anvil-Shooting Practice

A fellow I knew once asked me to go anvil-shooting. I'd never been and asked him if it was difficult.

"Not at all," he said. "Anyone can do it, as long as you don't mind the noise."

Well I'm used to loud noises, but never having participated in this particular sport, I decided to practice first. The local blacksmith loaned me three anvils, and I shot them, no problem.

Danged if I could figure out how to field-dress them, though.

Copyright © 2012 J. Henry Johnson and Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Happy 1895!

I welcome the new year with great anticipation. 1894 was a terrible year - the anarchists loosed bombs and also assassinated the French president; the bubonic plague killed thousands in China; thousands of the unemployed marched on Washington, D.C. and thousands of those who WERE employed -- coal miners, Pullman porters and New York City tailors (all of who should have been grateful to have a job in these hard times) went on strike. What is the world coming to?

On the amusing side, women in South Australia gained the right to vote and to be elected to public office! Ha! Wait until their husbands see the results of that!

My New Year's resolution: To continue selling Wizard Water©, the Aid to Mankind. It will not cure anarchism or the bubonic plague or females seeking the right to vote, but it will keep me happily employed.