Sunday, April 26, 2009

A Cure for Snoring

People often ask me, “Doc, is there a cure for snoring?”

“No,” I tell them, “but if you sleep in another room, you might not hear yourself.”

When that doesn’t work, I advise the use of Wizard Water©.

Keep two bottles of Wizard Water© by the bed, preferably near the side of whoever is awakened by the snoring. When the snoring commences, remove the corks from the bottles and stick one in each ear. I guarantee a full and restful sleep.

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Sunday, April 19, 2009

The Fine Art of Misdirection

hand pointing leftA customer once told me that to deliberately mislead people is a sin. I say misdirection is a skill that can save your life. Some years ago I was on the road home after having sold my entire stock of Wizard Water© when I was suddenly struck with a high fever. It was so severe that Death showed up at my wagon, telling me it was time to go.

Now I had had a few brushes with Death before. I knew he had to have authorization before he could collect a soul. So I asked to see the authorization. After perusing it, I handed it back to him.

“You’ve got the wrong fellow, sir,” I said, “This is for a woman!” Well he looked at the paper and scratched his head. “I could’ve sworn it had your name!” he said, puzzled. “Do you know where this Miss Lydia Pinkham lives?”

“Massachusetts,” I replied. “Best hurry.” So he rode away.

Some of you folks might think it unseemly to direct the Grim Reaper to an innocent woman, but Miss Pinkham was in the patent medicine business, too. In fact, she was once in a similar situation and told me how she got out of it.

"I simply asked to see the authorization,” she declared. “And luckily, I had one of your Doc Johnson advertising sheets on hand. It matched the size of the paperwork exactly. When you deal in mass quantities, you don’t care for details. All this fellow wanted was a name in print.”

Her resourcefulness led to several close calls for me. Luckily I’m pretty resourceful too (and good with a deck of cards). Since hearing her story I also make sure I always have the advertising fliers of my fellow patent medicine sales folks on hand, just in case. I’m not too worried about what will happen when Death catches up with them due to a little misdirection on my part. They’ll think of something. Their instinct for survival likely explains why Death comes back knocking at my door so often. Either that or he just likes a good game of poker.
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Sunday, April 12, 2009

New Product Meets With Publicity Setback

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Let it be known to the good citizens of Blairsville that the chicken mull explosion at the First Baptist Church last Saturday was not directly my fault.

It is true that I sold many packets of my new, concentrated Powdered Wizard Water© in town earlier that day, but I warned one and all of its potency. I certainly should not be held accountable for the actions of whoever poured six bags of it into a kettle of chicken mull at the Smith-Thompson wedding reception.

(Do not worry – Judge Thompson is leading volunteers from the Men’s Prayer Group in removing stewed tomatoes and crackers from the rafters. The burn marks are also mostly erased from the walls, and they expect to have the hall ready in time for Wednesday night choir practice.) I am sorry that this Sunday’s service had to be held outside the church, and the weather did not cooperate.

Although I have been called away on urgent business in another part of the state, be assured that I will return to Blairsville at my earliest convenience, whenever that may be.

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Sunday, April 5, 2009

Powdered Wizard Water©

Wizard Water© is a wonderful product, but it does have one drawback –- it is heavy to transport. One glass bottle full of Wizard Water© is no burden, but several cases are too heavy for a man to lift, and a wagonload, well…Bleb now refuses to move up hill when the wagon is full. There are many towns in the mountains where people have never even heard of Wizard Water©, just because I have been unable to reach them! This is wrong. It is unfair to deprive anyone of the Wonder of the Ages.

Accordingly, I have devised a much more lightweight version of my product: Powdered Wizard Water©. It is the same as regular Wizard Water©, but in a concentrated form, and comes in a genuine brown paper sack instead of a glass bottle. All you have to do is add water and voila, you have the product that has cured grown men of unbearable thirst, aided digestion, encouraged crop growth, cleaned hair, reinvigorated insipidity, and on the whole helped tens of thousands of people live healthier, happier lives. I plan on taking a batch with me to Blairsville this week.

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