Dealing With Heat

Hot weather is the bane of many who must work outdoors. There are places so hot that the people who live there have to live someplace else. A farmer once asked me if I could recommend some way to deal with extreme heat.

"Yes," I said, "Move to Nova Scotia."

"I can't," he said. "My farm is here."

"In that case," I said, "I can only offer you an untested theory. In my travels I have seen that people who live in the Tropics consume very fiery cuisines. The Mexicans season their meals with jalapeño peppers. The East Indians burn their stomachs with curries. West Africans chew the powerful piri-piri chili pepper, and the Polynesians eat lava.

"I believe this is in response to the weather. These natives eat hot things to raise their internal body temperatures to more closely match the external temperature. This enables them to work with impunity in the equatorial heat. Of course, they are used to such searing dishes and we are not."

The farmer pondered this a moment and then walked away. I put the incident out of my mind. A year later, he approached me and gave this interesting report:

"I thought about what you said, Doc, and decided to test your theory. I fed one of my cows nothing but peppers, onions, chili powder and a little sulfur for two weeks during the hottest part of summer. My other cattle were collapsing from the heat or wouldn't budge from the shade, but this one galloped around an open field for hours in the full sun.

Everything seemed fine until she trotted into a creek and exploded."

"Ah!" I said. "I am sorry for your loss. Obviously her system had adapted to extreme heat but could not adjust quickly enough to the cool water. This is good to know. If you ever decide to try this method yourself, take care to avoid sudden changes of temperature."

He said that would not be necessary, as he planned to avoid the method entirely.

That is probably a wise decision. I will rest easier knowing that this cure is not being practiced by anyone in my vicinity.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Medical Knowledge

There are literally thousands of miles of blood veins and arteries in your body. This is why people get "tired blood."

Wizard Water^© can help "tired blood," because it speeds up the process by which blood travels through the body without wearing it out. Combustion, however, is possible.

I knew a farmer who fed half a bottle of my elixir to his best dairy cow when her milk production slowed. The cow began to produce milk nonstop. The milk grew warmer and warmer, and he soon realized the cow was producing cream. Elated, he continued milking her.

Things might have been alright had her condition stabilized, but the cream grew thicker. Finally the cow ceased producing anything at all, though its udders were quite distended. In a panic, the farmer ran to fetch a veterinarian. This action probably saved his life. Upon his return, he and the animal expert found bits of Bessie splattered all over the stall, along with prodigious amounts of a thick white substance. The veterinarian tested the latter and determined it to be a mixture of yoghurt and cottage cheese. This greatly puzzled the college-educated doctor. "I can't explain it. There is no precedent for this in any of my textbooks," he told the farmer.

When the farmer found me, I was able to explain it easily. "The heat caused by speeding up the poor beast's constitution created a product she was not equipped to emit," I told him. "She burst apart. Next time, follow directions."

I don't believe in reading a lot of medical texts. Practical experience is the best teacher. (Besides, I know of too many horses who make far more money than I do, without ever having learned to read.)

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Fortified Fireworks

Wizard Water^© should not be used in the manufacture of fireworks. This discovery came my way through serendipitous circumstances, which my concern for public safety compels me to share. Normally I would not risk a show on an untested product, but last week, in an unexpected conflagration, I lost some excellent Chinese fireworks that were intended for a special Fourth of July medicine show in Savannah.

Since there was no time to replace them, I thought to improvise some rockets of my own creation using gunpowder and various colorants blended with a little of my elixir. Unfortunately, I did not take into account the way water expands when heat is applied -- especially Wizard Water.

I don't have time right now to go into the details of what occurred (I am expected in Biloxi on urgent business). Rest assured that no one was hurt, unless you count those who were trampled in the stampede. I expect the bursts to shrink later tonight as the evening grows cooler.

If the ordnance sergeant at Fort Pulaski inquires after me, tell him his wagon is safe. He can retrieve it from the south moat below the colonel's quarters.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Advice for Lighthouse Keepers

I once briefly served as a lighthouse-keeper. I applied for the job because the work, I heard, entailed little beyond cleaning the lens and making sure the signal lamp was lit at dusk and extinguished at dawn. This suited my lifestyle at the time, as I was quite a “night owl” and I believed that the tower could double as an exclusive gambling house to men of means. The facility would be open when the beacon was lit and closed when it was not, and I would be assured of a double income – that of a government employee and of an independent businessman.

The isolation of the lighthouse proved a perfect place for gentlemen who desired the privacy necessary for serious betting. Business was so good that I had to expand to the keeper’s quarters and still lacked space. Finally I decided to make room for additional tables in a fuel storage building several hundred yards from the other structures. I took care to move the barrels of coal oil outside, placing them along the exterior wall of the tower so they would be handy when the signal lamp needed refilling. I left empty barrels in the storage building so that customers might have some place to put down their drinks and cigars.

I still believe all would have gone well had the barrel-maker done his job properly. Due to shoddy workmanship, some oil must have leaked out. Otherwise, one of the empty barrels would not have exploded so easily, and a line of fire would not have extended to the tower.

It always amazes me how high flames can reach. The barrels packed along the tower wall produced a billowing, Vesuvian effect. All the customers were able to get out before the roof blew off, but in their haste to escape many left their winnings behind. I told them to seek justice from the barrel-maker, but they did not see it that way.

This is why I say: Safety First! Before you ever conduct business near water, you should learn to swim. Swimming is a healthful activity. It can also provide a refuge from wildfires and, when done at the proper depth, from bricks and bullets.

copyright ©2009 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Beaversharks and Rope Serpents

I must warn strangers to the Southern Appalachians about some of the native wildlife here. Many of you know to beware of bears and angry groundhogs, but there are other dangers not as well known.

Beaversharks, for instance, inhabit the mountain lakes and the larger rivers. They resemble small sharks, with very sharp teeth and powerful jaws, but possess large, flat tails. They only hunt at night, in packs, lying in wait in quiet pools of water for unsuspecting skinny-dippers. The would-be swimmers hear the loud slap of the beavershark tails and assume that a harmless beaver dam is nearby. They are mistaken, however. Those who jump into water inhabited by a pack of ravenous beaversharks will leave little for their relatives to bury.

Far more insidious is the rope serpent. The rope serpent, as its name implies, resembles a plain piece of rope. It is most often found lying near a body of deep water. When an unsuspecting hiker tries to pick up the “rope”, the rope snake wraps itself around the hiker and pulls him into the water. The hiker drowns and then the serpent, like a python, eats him whole.

The best way to protect yourself from beaversharks is to avoid skinnydipping at night. The next best thing to do is to toss a few cans of pork and beans into the water before you go swimming. If the cans disappear, you know that beaversharks are nearby. If you toss enough pork and beans into the water, the beaversharks will eventually develop gas and float to the surface, where you can pick them off with a rifle.

Do this from a distance, though, and only if the moon is full. I knew a man who tried this method but used a shotgun while hunting by torchlight from his rowboat. He got within ten feet of a large pack of beaversharks and began shooting. The creatures he hit sprang leaks and were propelled upward by the escaping gas. They reached their zenith at about 30 feet up and started falling back -- into the boat. The remaining gas ignited as the fish successively fell past the torches. Folks on shore said it reminded them of Gettysburg. The hunter survived, but will not admit to any error in judgement and blames his missing ear on General Sherman.

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Mrs. Doc reminds any children preparing reports for school that Doc gets all his facts from The Barnum Book of Natural History & Electrical Engineering.

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Dog Days of Summer

The hottest days of the year are upon us, and as many of you know, the danger of heat prostration vastly increases during this time.

What many people are not aware of is the increased danger of spontaneous internal combustion.

As the sun draws closer to the earth, it warms the blood to dangerous levels. This warmth increases bacterial fermentation within the body. It is a well known fact that the process of fermentation generates gas. During long spells of hot weather the gas buildup can be considerable within the bloodstream, and the least exertion can cause a resounding discharge.

The newspapers do not like to report such matters, as they either discredit them, or fear alarming the public regarding something for which they believe there is no cure. The danger is real, however, as is the treatment.

I knew a circus performer who stood six feet six, weighed over 200 pounds. He prided himself on his strength and endurance, and so he would continue to work in hot weather when all others fell back to await cooler conditions. On one such occasion he was wrestling a pair of elephants when he suddenly burst into flames. He might have survived had not the elephants, in panic, stamped him out.

Don’t let this happen to you! Drink plenty of cool liquids to keep your blood temperature down, stay away from magnets (they excite the iron in the blood, which can initiate deadly sparks), and always apply a dose of Wizard Water^© daily per the directions on the bottle.

Wizard Water^© is guaranteed to prevent spontaneous internal combustion or your money back. If you use it as directed and find yourself in a state of conflagration, return the bottle in person and I will happily refund your money – and in coins, not paper.

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Words of Advice for the Fourth of July

It is a well known fact that here in the North Georgia mountains we celebrate our country’s founding with the blasting of a blacksmith’s anvil into the air – the higher the better. I have witnessed many an anvil shoot and so give the following advice:

It is not wise to drink beer or any other alcoholic beverage when loading gunpowder into the base of the anvil. Drinking more than one pint of beer, certainly if followed by more than a glass of whiskey, weakens one’s judgement and makes it easy to miscalculate the amount of powder required to elevate this heavy implement. Celebrating our much-valued freedom with a toast or two is appropriate, but do not join your friends in individually toasting every signer of the Declaration of Independence. Such patriotism can cause you to think that filling just the hollow base of the anvil with black powder and lighting a fuse could not possibly provide enough power to lift a 100-pound cast iron weight. You may be tempted to make certain that an impressive height is reached -- and proper tribute is paid to our Founding Fathers -- by instead setting the anvil on a 100-pound keg of powder partially buried in the ground. Do not give in to this temptation. If you do, do not plan to return the anvil.

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New Product Meets With Publicity Setback

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Let it be known to the good citizens of Blairsville that the chicken mull explosion at the First Baptist Church last Saturday was not directly my fault.

It is true that I sold many packets of my new, concentrated Powdered Wizard Water^© in town earlier that day, but I warned one and all of its potency. I certainly should not be held accountable for the actions of whoever poured six bags of it into a kettle of chicken mull at the Smith-Thompson wedding reception.

(Do not worry – Judge Thompson is leading volunteers from the Men’s Prayer Group in removing stewed tomatoes and crackers from the rafters. The burn marks are also mostly erased from the walls, and they expect to have the hall ready in time for Wednesday night choir practice.) I am sorry that this Sunday’s service had to be held outside the church, and the weather did not cooperate.

Although I have been called away on urgent business in another part of the state, be assured that I will return to Blairsville at my earliest convenience, whenever that may be.

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