Dog Days of Summer

The hottest days of the year are upon us, and as many of you know, the danger of heat prostration vastly increases during this time.

What many people are not aware of is the increased danger of spontaneous internal combustion.

As the sun draws closer to the earth, it warms the blood to dangerous levels. This warmth increases bacterial fermentation within the body. It is a well known fact that the process of fermentation generates gas. During long spells of hot weather the gas buildup can be considerable within the bloodstream, and the least exertion can cause a resounding discharge.

The newspapers do not like to report such matters, as they either discredit them, or fear alarming the public regarding something for which they believe there is no cure. The danger is real, however, as is the treatment.

I knew a circus performer who stood six feet six, weighed over 200 pounds. He prided himself on his strength and endurance, and so he would continue to work in hot weather when all others fell back to await cooler conditions. On one such occasion he was wrestling a pair of elephants when he suddenly burst into flames. He might have survived had not the elephants, in panic, stamped him out.

Don’t let this happen to you! Drink plenty of cool liquids to keep your blood temperature down, stay away from magnets (they excite the iron in the blood, which can initiate deadly sparks), and always apply a dose of Wizard Water^© daily per the directions on the bottle.

Wizard Water^© is guaranteed to prevent spontaneous internal combustion or your money back. If you use it as directed and find yourself in a state of conflagration, return the bottle in person and I will happily refund your money – and in coins, not paper.

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