Sunday, June 26, 2011

A Quick Way to Paint Fences

This past week my wife announced that her mother was coming for a visit. She then started cleaning the house and insisted that I paint the picket fence.

The fence extends for quite a distance and painting both sides would take some time, so I went to a local drinking establishment to think about the best approach. Sitting at a table just inside was the fire chief. We got to discussing a big fire at Happy Sal's Dance Hall the previous week that he'd had trouble putting out.

"It's too bad you couldn't throw dirt on it," I said, "An avalanche would have put that fire right out."

"Yes," he said, looking into his beer, "but Miss Sal wouldn't be happy. Women hate dirt."

“Yes,” I said. “My mother-in-law likes things to look spotless.”

Which gave me an idea.

"Look," I said, "what if you added some slaked lime to your steam-powered water pump? Then when you spray a building you will leave behind a layer of powder that will continue to smother the flames long after the water has vaporized."

"Are you sure it won't foul up the pump?" he asked.

"Not if you add a little Wizard Water© to the steam engine to give it added power," I said. "I happen to have a large amount of slaked lime at home, as well as Wizard Water©. There is even a fence nearby that you can test the pump on."

He walked back to the fire house, and with the help of a couple volunteers pulled the pumper over to my house. They fired up the steam engine. I poured about 100 pounds of slaked lime into the 80 gallon reservoir, stirred it up, then added a couple drops of Wizard Water© and stood back.

The men aimed the hose at the fence, and at first all went well. A steady stream of whitewash covered the first half of the fence in just a few seconds. It was a job that would have taken me over an hour to complete. As they rolled the engine around the fence corner to continue, though, the water pressure seemed to increase. The hose began to jerk wildly. The men held on, but the hose tossed them into the air and whipped them around violently. The house began receiving the benefit of the whitewash.

Just then my mother-in-law stepped out onto the front porch. She had arrived early. She, too, received the benefit of the whitewash. In fact, she received several coats.

Luckily I had only used a few drops of Wizard Water©, so the steam pressure soon abated. The fire chief was impressed, but decided to stick with plain water in the future.

“If I ever go into the house-painting business though, I may come see you,” he added.

My wife was, as usual, not pleased.

“Mother is VERY upset!” she said later. “She says she doesn’t feel safe with you around, and she’s leaving as soon as she can get the paint out of her hair.”

I am sorry about that. I thought whitewash improved the look of everything. That is not true. The house and the fence look much better, though.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Another Cowboy Event

Next Saturday I will be at the Wild West Fest in Marietta, Georgia.

I understand there will be fast-draw demonstrations, lasso lessons and all kinds of Western activities.

I will NOT provide the cow catapult as earlier planned.

The catapult, which can hurl an adult male cow across a field and into a lake, is a spectacular and entertaining diversion, especially at night when sparklers are tied to the animal's horns and tail.

However, election season is coming up, a newspaper reporter will be there, and the town council is reluctant to be credited with throwing the bull.

Therefore, there will be no grand finale paying tribute to all the cattle drives of the great wild west. Folks will have to enjoy my usual honest pitch for Wizard Water© without any embellishment, and wait for the cows to come home on their own.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

An Occasional Toothache

tooth extractionCan Wizard Water© cure toothaches? That depends upon what kind of toothache you have.

Do you have a mild toothache? Ignore it. The pain you feel will only increase if you lend it attention.

Is your toothache severe and unending? Remove the offending tooth immediately. You may wish to seek out a professional dentist or barber, enlist the aid of a friend, or devise a method of your own, but if you hesitate, remember: a constant pain rarely disappears of its own accord. It usually requires assistance.

The occasional toothache is another matter. This kind can be treated effectively with Wizard Water©, depending on the occasion. I knew a sea captain whose jaw ached severely, but only every four weeks.

"I don't know what causes it, Doc," he told me, "but it keeps me up for one or two nights, and then it's gone."

Further inquiry revealed that his pain coincided with the appearance of the full moon. I recommended that he take a small dose of Wizard Water© during that time. He followed my advice, and found relief when his body swelled to match his swollen gums. Thanks to Wizard Water's ability to expand skin elasticity, he experienced no pain.

His huge size also intimidated natives at the port where he was berthed.

"When you are bigger than the nearest building, your dock fees go down considerably," he told me.

So you see, it is best to determine what type of toothache you have before treating it. You may need a little Wizard Water©, or you may need to tie a length of twine to your tooth and your horse's saddle and then slap the horse.

Do not, by the way, try to use the latter method after taking a dose of Wizard Water©. A tooth the size of a tree stump will upset both the horse and the natives.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Second Annual Piedmont College Bluegrass Festival

doc_johnson-06042011I just returned from hosting the second annual Piedmont College Bluegrass Festival in Demorest, Georgia. The weather was cooler than last year. Last year it got so hot and humid that two mandolins, a banjo and a fiddle belonging to members of The Foxfire Boys swelled up and could only be used as string basses. The musicians were mighty upset. Their rendition of "Old Joe Clark" sounded so profound, though, that a local minister hired them to replace his organist, who'd been blown out a church window in a steampipe mishap.

That was last year. This year, as I said, the weather was much cooler. Only one mandolin swelled up, and only to the size of a guitar. Next year I'll advise the musicians to bind their instruments tightly around the middle with twine, to keep the swelling to a minimum. That way at most they will wind up with dulcimers, which are easily replaced.

In Arizona, they have the opposite problem. It's a dry heat, and their basses tend to shrink. If you've got a penknife and are quick, though, you can turn a large bass into two smaller instruments, neither of them dulcimers. I believe The Foxfire Boys are planning a trip out there soon.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.