Wizard Water© Helps Church Sing-along

Speaking of music, Wizard Water^© can also aid performances.

A minister told me his biggest problem was keeping his congregation awake during the service. “My sermons are quite lively,” he said, “but the music director insists on choosing slow, solemn songs. She claims our old pump organ is too stiff to handle anything energetic, and so plays everything at a snail’s pace. As a result people drop off to sleep – even during ‘Onward Christian Soldiers’!”

“Put a a few drops of Wizard Water^© in the instrument,” I suggested, “and stand back.”

He returned a week later to report success.

“I must apologize for doubting you,” he said. “You were right. I sprinkled quite a bit of Wizard Water^© between the keys and in the pedal mechanism and other interior parts, and when the organist began to play, her speed more than doubled. We had the liveliest renditions of ‘Bringing in the Sheaves’ and ‘Nearer My God to Thee’ that I think I’ve ever heard. In fact, hymns that normally take about ten minutes each instead took about two minutes total. Everyone was quite out of breath by the end of the songs.”

“If only the service hadn’t been a funeral,” he continued. “Several attendees were unable keep pace through all ten stanzas of each hymn and collapsed. The organ also caught fire, and the music director developed blisters that now impede her playing. Somewhat understandably, I have been asked to look for another flock.”

So those of you who wish to pick up the pace of your musical endeavors, consider applying a few drops – a very few -- of Wizard Water^© to the instrument of your choice. Choose your moment carefully, though.

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New Product Meets With Publicity Setback

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Let it be known to the good citizens of Blairsville that the chicken mull explosion at the First Baptist Church last Saturday was not directly my fault.

It is true that I sold many packets of my new, concentrated Powdered Wizard Water^© in town earlier that day, but I warned one and all of its potency. I certainly should not be held accountable for the actions of whoever poured six bags of it into a kettle of chicken mull at the Smith-Thompson wedding reception.

(Do not worry – Judge Thompson is leading volunteers from the Men’s Prayer Group in removing stewed tomatoes and crackers from the rafters. The burn marks are also mostly erased from the walls, and they expect to have the hall ready in time for Wednesday night choir practice.) I am sorry that this Sunday’s service had to be held outside the church, and the weather did not cooperate.

Although I have been called away on urgent business in another part of the state, be assured that I will return to Blairsville at my earliest convenience, whenever that may be.

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Doc at a Cowboy Festival

My wife and I drove the wagon over to the Sixth Annual Cowboy Festival & Symposium at the Booth Western Art Museum in Cartersville, GA one wet night this past week. I was mighty glad the wagon top didn’t blow off on our way in to town, the way it did last year. The folks at the festival were right friendly, despite the occasional gunfight. A whole troupe reenacted the gunfight at the O.K. Corral, but nobody got hurt this time. I played some music on the jinglewhapper, and luckily didn’t get hurt, either.

I came out of the event lighter in bottles but heavier in trade goods – I got myself a hat, a coat, and four bottles of home-made barbeque sauce. The Missus enjoyed some good Dutch oven peach cobbler, bean stew and biscuits, and attended “Cowboy Church” outdoors on Sunday morning, preached by a genuine rancher (the only sermon she’d ever heard where cow poop figured prominently). Indians were present and dressed better than anybody. “Hopalong Cassidy”(aka Joe Sullivan) showed up late on Sunday afternoon, with a few things to say about my famous Skull of Cleopatra, but that’s another story for another day.