The Gravity Problem

I'm pleased to announce that I have solved the gravity problem.

As we all know, too many things hit the ground that shouldn't -- among them vases, flyballs, and unpleasant facts.

Here is the cure: Wizard Water^© plus helium. Wizard Water's natural intensifying effects are amplified with the addition of this rare air, and the effect can be put to good use.

Do you occasionally drop a glass of whiskey, or a large amount of money on a horse named "Dust Devil"? Do you sometimes find yourself sitting in the dirt outside a saloon for no good reason? Wizard Water^© and a little light gas can help.

The next time you notice yourself in a situation that requires equilibrium or the application of a counterforce to keep you from getting carried away, try the following: mix a few drops of Wizard Water^© with an ounce or more of helium. Shake well, and pour it over the object on which gravity or imprudence may exert its influence.

Whether the subject is a pitcher full of beer or a minister delivering a sermon on the evils of drinking, the aforementioned concoction will lighten it and counteract imbalance. Try to drop a mug that has been treated with this formulation -- the mug will float to the rafters. Angry customers will inspire laughter, and advice from your mother-in-law will not weigh down anyone.

Just take care not to apply this mixture to campaign speeches. Such items are mostly hot air to begin with, and additional inflation can cause the speaker to float off with his words.

Copyright © 2012 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

A Cure for the Uncommon Cold

An uncommon cold is any cold that does not follow the usual course that a common cold follows. If you sneeze and have a sore throat, you have some form of the common cold. Treat it as I have earlier recommended. If you sneeze and have a sore throat, see purple spots swirling before your eyes and find yourself singing choruses of “Poor Wand’ring One”, you likely have an uncommon cold.

To treat the uncommon cold, give a quart of the purest distilled corn product you can get to the ornieriest beast you know – bull, goat, cowhand or mother-in-law – and lock yourself in a small room with the creature after he or she has swallowed the entire gift. Stay there for at least an hour, or until you feel your life is in danger. Upon your release you will have overcome the urge to sing annoying songs, be able to ignore spots of any temperament, and realize that there are worse things than having an uncommonly bad cold. Thus, you will feel much better. Alternatively, you can continue singing -- but be prepared to wake up in a mail sack hanging outside a train station.

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Year-End Accounting

The end of the year is a good time to review the accomplishments of the preceding 12 months and develop plans for the future. This past year I achieved the following:

Self-improvement

- Learned how to run backward while carrying a case of Wizard Water^©.
- Increased my poker game stakes limit so I don’t gamble in excess.
- Memorized the names of all the sheriffs and judges within 50 miles of
    Binkleman, Nebraska.
- Developed enough self restraint to withhold criticism of mother-in-law
    after her second visit of the year.
- Acquired a new grey coat and top hat.
- Practiced not singing when humans, mules or dogs are present.
- Ate fewer beans before shows.

Charitable Work

- Donated a free sample of flea cure to my mother-in-law.
- Gave mother-in-law the benefit of the doubt on two occasions
    that involved food poisoning.
- Gave wife a new apron and iron stewpot.
- Did not sue the Binkleman, Nebraska merchants’ association members
    for attempt upon my life.
- Gave the Binkleman county, Nebraska road crew a discount on a bottle
    of Wizard Water in exchange for help removing a shackle.
- Taught Bleb basic accounting, not only to assist with my business,
    but also so he has a source of income when he retires.
- Encouraged Bleb to eat fewer beans before shows.
- Gave full refund to two dissatisfied customers outside of Dahlonega,
    as well as three silver dollars, my pocketwatch, hat and boots.

All in all, it has been a productive year, but there is always room for improvement. I plan to work on mind-reading and faster methods of travel.

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p.s. Speaking of Dahlonega, I will be visiting that fine town again on the second day of January to host the Mountain Music & Medicine Show. Hope to see you there!

Practical Advice of a Wide-Ranging Nature

Never clean your boots with kerosene if your wife is prone to drying them near the fireplace.

Ladies, if you need a safe place to keep your grocery money when you go to town, consider hiding it in your bustle. Wrap your coins well, though, lest you rattle.

When feeding chickens in the winter, add a little sulfur to the meal. This will liven up the birds and help keep their eggs warm. Do not try this on your mother-in-law.

Always compliment the cook, especially if there is no doctor in the vicinity.

Vinegar, pepper and salt mixed together makes a good gargle for a sore throat, and whatever is left over will preserve vegetables.

Travel light - a man should be able to survive with just a pocketknife, a steel flint, and a canteen of water. Or a bagful of treasury bills.

A penny saved is a penny you can spend on candy.

Keep your gunpowder dry, and far away from the pepper grinder.

When gambling, do not bet with bullets, wedding rings, or dairy products. If possible, use mining deeds, treasure maps or Confederate money.

Always have an escape route.

copyright ©2009 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Doc’s New Year’s Resolutions

1. Don't excercise, as it leads to fatigue.

2. Hand over the day-to-day work reins to assistant in order to concentrate on product development.

3. Teach assistant Bleb accounting and how to play banjo.

4. Develop a hair restorative that doesn’t explode or eat through the bottle.

5. Develop more games of chance that aren’t.

6. Invent a cure for which there is no disease, and market the hell out of it.

7. Hide money where “Mrs. Doc” won’t find it.

8. Don’t hide paper money in the hay bin that the mule eats out of.

9. Convince printer to pay for labels in exchange for free advertising.

10. Convince mother-in-law that she should visit Tierra del Fuego.

11. Never warm the label glue near the stove when the wife is preparing gravy.

12. Eat fewer beans, at least before a show.

copyright ©2008 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.