A Cure for the Uncommon Cold

An uncommon cold is any cold that does not follow the usual course that a common cold follows. If you sneeze and have a sore throat, you have some form of the common cold. Treat it as I have earlier recommended. If you sneeze and have a sore throat, see purple spots swirling before your eyes and find yourself singing choruses of “Poor Wand’ring One”, you likely have an uncommon cold.

To treat the uncommon cold, give a quart of the purest distilled corn product you can get to the ornieriest beast you know – bull, goat, cowhand or mother-in-law – and lock yourself in a small room with the creature after he or she has swallowed the entire gift. Stay there for at least an hour, or until you feel your life is in danger. Upon your release you will have overcome the urge to sing annoying songs, be able to ignore spots of any temperament, and realize that there are worse things than having an uncommonly bad cold. Thus, you will feel much better. Alternatively, you can continue singing -- but be prepared to wake up in a mail sack hanging outside a train station.

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.