The Gravity Problem

I'm pleased to announce that I have solved the gravity problem.

As we all know, too many things hit the ground that shouldn't -- among them vases, flyballs, and unpleasant facts.

Here is the cure: Wizard Water^© plus helium. Wizard Water's natural intensifying effects are amplified with the addition of this rare air, and the effect can be put to good use.

Do you occasionally drop a glass of whiskey, or a large amount of money on a horse named "Dust Devil"? Do you sometimes find yourself sitting in the dirt outside a saloon for no good reason? Wizard Water^© and a little light gas can help.

The next time you notice yourself in a situation that requires equilibrium or the application of a counterforce to keep you from getting carried away, try the following: mix a few drops of Wizard Water^© with an ounce or more of helium. Shake well, and pour it over the object on which gravity or imprudence may exert its influence.

Whether the subject is a pitcher full of beer or a minister delivering a sermon on the evils of drinking, the aforementioned concoction will lighten it and counteract imbalance. Try to drop a mug that has been treated with this formulation -- the mug will float to the rafters. Angry customers will inspire laughter, and advice from your mother-in-law will not weigh down anyone.

Just take care not to apply this mixture to campaign speeches. Such items are mostly hot air to begin with, and additional inflation can cause the speaker to float off with his words.

Copyright © 2012 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

The Fisherman's Aid

Wizard Water^© is also known as "the fisherman's aid".

The captain of a fishing vessel told me that he was once becalmed in Mobile Bay with a load of crustaceans in his nets. The catch needed to be brought ashore quickly or he risked losing his entire investment.

Luckily, the captain had a bottle of Wizard Water^© on hand. He sprinkled the contents of the bottle on his catch and threw them overboard while they were still in the net.

The creatures revived instantly, grew several sizes and, since it was August, headed straight to shore.

Naturally, the ship that the net was attached to also followed. The captain not only salvaged his catch, he earned a bonus for bringing it inland as far as Louisville.

The captain then tried to enter his catch in the Kentucky Derby, but the judges turned him down.

They felt six legs was too much of an advantage, unless the crustaceans were running for office.

Keep that in mind should you ever find yourself trapped at sea -- sometimes it pays to be shellfish, but not always.

Copyright © 2012 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

How to Tell if Your Patient is Dead

Many doctors claim they can determine if a patient is dead by checking for a pulse or signs of breathing. I have met numerous pulse-less people, however – primarily bankers and lawyers – who live full and apparently happy lives without benefit of a heartbeat. A far more accurate method of determining a patient’s mortal state involves careful observation of the patient for the following attributes:

- Lack of physical coordination
- Patient ignores family and friends
- Patient will not laugh at your jokes
- Patient is disinclined to pay his bills

Some folks see little difference between this description and that of a person who has passed out from drinking too much. Doc’s Wizard Water^© can clear up this dilemma. If a person is in a questionable condition, splash some Wizard Water^© on his or her face. If the person is deceased, he will merely sit up, ask you to quit bothering him and then fall back in bed. One who is comatose or intoxicated, however, will open his eyes, stand up, play the fiddle, clog a two-step, and bet on the nearest horse race.

If he also pays for the Wizard Water^©, you’ve got a live one.

copyright ©2009 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.