How to Tell if Your Patient is Dead

Many doctors claim they can determine if a patient is dead by checking for a pulse or signs of breathing. I have met numerous pulse-less people, however – primarily bankers and lawyers – who live full and apparently happy lives without benefit of a heartbeat. A far more accurate method of determining a patient’s mortal state involves careful observation of the patient for the following attributes:

- Lack of physical coordination
- Patient ignores family and friends
- Patient will not laugh at your jokes
- Patient is disinclined to pay his bills

Some folks see little difference between this description and that of a person who has passed out from drinking too much. Doc’s Wizard Water^© can clear up this dilemma. If a person is in a questionable condition, splash some Wizard Water^© on his or her face. If the person is deceased, he will merely sit up, ask you to quit bothering him and then fall back in bed. One who is comatose or intoxicated, however, will open his eyes, stand up, play the fiddle, clog a two-step, and bet on the nearest horse race.

If he also pays for the Wizard Water^©, you’ve got a live one.

copyright ©2009 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.