Advice for Eating and Living a Long Life

Cheese and bacon taste good with anything, and are always in demand. If you want a future that is secure into the next century, invest in these two commodities.

Do not bite off more than you can swallow.
Do not swallow more than you can chew.
Do not swallow tobacco, but if it's unavoidable you'll be glad you followed the other two rules.

Chewing bourbon is unecessary. Or should be.

If you look down and cannot see your shoes from a standing position, it is time to get a stronger girdle.

If you're going to live a long life, keep your debts small or your whereabouts unknown.

Stay on the safe side of 45 - the side where the bullet is pointed away from you.

Retire early, unless there's a high stakes game nearby.

Never share a strip of beef jerky with a dog or a joke with a politician. You won't get either back -- at least not in good shape.

Sand is not good for digestion. Avoid landing in it face-first.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, which means 12 pounds of cure can be poured into a 12-ounce beer mug.

If you've got everything going for you, drop the heavy stuff and run faster.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

The Secret to Longevity

The secret to longevity is to live as long as possible. Proper diet and exercise can help. Here are a few tips on how you can incorporate proper diet and exercise into your life:

1. Do not overeat.
2. Do not undereat.
3. Do not eat anything your mother-in-law fixes after a heated discussion.
4. Do not eat near wild animals, or dispute their claim to a meal you thought was yours.
5. Chew your food thoroughly. Always spit out foreign objects such as sand and lead shot.
6. Do not eat with your back to the door, or your head in full profile near a window.
7. Always eat in a room with at least two exits.
8. Practice running. Running is a vastly underestimated aid to longer life.
9. Swimming can also extend your life.
10. Do not forget how to climb. Some people regard climbing as just a sport for young boys, but the ability to climb trees and scale walls is physically beneficial for adults, as well.
11. Practice ducking on a regular basis. Ducking – the act of suddenly bending one’s head or entire body to one side or another -- is a good form of exercise, as it maintains muscle flexibillity and keeps you mentally alert.

All of the above practices, combined with the help of Wizard Water^©, will contribute to a longer and healthier life than you would have known otherwise. Last but not least: learn when to stop talking. This is called “exercising restraint.” It is a particularly healthful form of exercise, especially when combined with running, swimming, ducking, or tree-climbing. If you doubt this, just look at me -- I am living proof that it works.

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.