Modern Conveniences

Men who herd cattle live rough for long stretches of time. After months on the trail, cowboys will sometimes treat themselves to a fancy hotel room to wash the trail dust off as thoroughly as possible.

I once stayed at such a hotel in Big Piney, Wyoming. The owner decided to modernize and installed a piped, heated water system – the first in the region. Well, a cyclone came through. It destroyed the hotel and all the buildings around it. I survived by hiding in the root cellar. When I emerged, I heard a strange sound. I followed it to find a young man sitting in a bathtub amidst the remains of the hotel. There was wreckage all around him. He sat there wearing nothing but his birthday suit, oblivious to the devastation, talking to himself.

"Modern plumbing, modern plumbing!” he cried over and over.

 “Are you alright?” I inquired.

“Never again!” he exclaimed. “Never again! I heard about these new-fangled heated baths, so I thought I’d try one. Cost me fifty cents. Filled the tub from a spigot, nice as you please. Then when I figgered to leave, all I did was pull the plug."

"Well you seen what happened," he continued. "Doggone if the whole room didn't just drain away!”

Another Caveat

Never try to extinguish a fire using Wizard Water^©. Wizard Water^© is an accelerative, and in most cases will increase the properties of whatever is exposed to it. I once spilled a few drops of Wizard Water^© on the coals of a fire and, instead of going out, the heat grew in intensity until the ground beneath the coals melted.

The coals sank out of sight, leaving naught but the smell of burning granite. I feared the coals might might burn all the way through the Earth’s core and out the other side, but they must have hit a subterranean pocket of water, for a great plume of steam suddenly shot straight up from the hole and high into the sky. It maintained a height of several hundred feet for a few minutes, and then subsided. I left the area quite relieved that the matter had concluded without loss of life or property.

I have since been informed that geysers of steam appear in that location with great regularity. The phenomenon even has a nickname: “Old Faithful.” So far, no witnesses have come forward to accuse me of having any connection with it. I hope the situation remains thus, as I cannot afford to repair the chasm or replace the goats which have fallen in. Once the matter leaves the public eye though, all will be well. I'm sure that time is not long in coming, either. The Wizard Water^© should wear off soon.

Copyright © 2012 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.