Patience is a Virtue

If you are ever on a train that is delayed by cattle crossing the tracks, do not attempt to hurry their progress with loud noises. In particular, do not take advantage of cannon being transported on the same train. An artillery engagement will cause the cattle to lurch forward, but the ordnance will lurch backward. The walls of train cars are not built to withstand heavy artillery; if they were then General Grant would have conducted his battles from the comfort of a caboose. If you do happen to exercise such an option, stand well away from either end of the cannon. Or better yet, be nowhere near it after you have lit the fuse.

Copyright © 2013 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

Medicine Show Music

A lady came up to me the other day and asked why I never included any tuba music in my show. I want to, but my banjo player doesn’t know how to play one. He keeps asking “What’s a tuba for?” and when I tell him “Oh, about one-and-a-half inches by three-and-a-half inches,” he walks away.

I’ve considered using the bagpipe to attract a crowd. Nothing sounds quite like a bagpipe, except maybe a cat caught in a wheat thresher.

I think I’ve found the perfect instrument to accompany a medicine show, though: a cannon. It doesn’t sound like any other musical instrument. It can be played at large events, and is heard quite clearly over a crowd. It tends to discourage hecklers. Also, the fines are no worse than for an unlicensed accordian.

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[*Doc thanks whoever thought of the tuba and bagpipe jokes, and Mrs. Doc for the cannon fodder.]

copyright ©2009 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.