The Cursed Cook

I was once asked to remove a curse from a frying pan. The pan belonged to a chuck wagon cook named “Salty.” "Salty" was renowned for his beans and bacon, and also his bad temper. Though Bleb and I were a little short on rations when we met "Salty" on the trail, he made no effort to share from his well-stocked supplies. Not long after we met he ran into a spate of bad luck.

“You remember that old Indian who was poking around the wagon the other night,” he said, “and how I swung my pan at him?"

"Yes," I said.

"Ever since, nothing cooks right in that pan. Food either burns or undercooks or tastes like something the steers left behind. I’d get me a new pan but I don’t get paid until the end of the drive. Know anything that will help?”

“It sounds like you angered a desert spirit,” I said. “The Indians expect hospitality and you broke their law, which still applies out here. Getting a new pan won’t help.”

“What should I do?” said "Salty."

“I’d offer a meal to the spirits through an animal representative,” I said.

“What kind of animal?” he asked.

“Well,” I said, “mules are known to descend from a desert breed, and are more kindly disposed to humans than coyotes. I’d start there.”

“I ain't gonna spoil my team,” he protested. “It might give them ideas. You reckon yours will do?”

“I don’t see why not,” I said. “I’ve seen Bleb deal with wild spirits before.”

The cook pulled out several Dutch ovens and set to work. Inside an hour he’d prepared a pot full of grits, a dozen biscuits with sorghum syrup, half a pail of beans and salt pork and six helpings of fried apple pie. Bleb ate it all.

“That ought to do it,” I said.  "Though you might want to test it on a human.”

“You!” he shouted at me. “Try these eggs and bacon and cornbread and fried potatoes!”

I obliged, and after a couple plates I pronounced them edible.

“Are you sure?” he asked.

“Yes, though I was pretty sure earlier,” I said. “My mule normally won’t touch grits. It binds him up.”

Bleb and I continued eastward while the cattle drive moved west. I heard later that the cook got a job with Delmonico’s in New York City, so I guess the curse was truly broken –  plus there was no more manure tea in his frying pan.

Copyright © 2013 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

Patience is a Virtue

If you are ever on a train that is delayed by cattle crossing the tracks, do not attempt to hurry their progress with loud noises. In particular, do not take advantage of cannon being transported on the same train. An artillery engagement will cause the cattle to lurch forward, but the ordnance will lurch backward. The walls of train cars are not built to withstand heavy artillery; if they were then General Grant would have conducted his battles from the comfort of a caboose. If you do happen to exercise such an option, stand well away from either end of the cannon. Or better yet, be nowhere near it after you have lit the fuse.

Copyright © 2013 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

Hearing Aid

A man once came to me complaining that his hearing was too slow.

"Doc, I'm in trouble" he said, "I supply cattle to several markets back East. Every time I go to the cattle auction in Tucson I get beat out by men who bid quicker. That auctioneer just talks so darn fast that I can't tell where the price is. I once bid three dollars a head for 20 head of cattle only to find out that the bidding had closed five minutes before I chimed in. What can I do?"

"What you need," I said. "Is a little Wizard Water^©. Take a bottle with you to the next auction, and right before it starts, put a drop in each ear."

He did so and sure enough, his hearing speeded up. Now he can not only follow what the auctioneer says, but his ears work so fast that he can hear how far the other cattle agents are willing to bid. He shouts out their highest offer before they can open their mouths, and while they are thinking over whether or not to proceed further, the auctioneer's gavel comes down and he buys the beef.

"I've got another problem now, Doc," he said. "The other day I met a lovely young woman and I already know that if I propose she'll say yes."

"There's a drawback to everything," I told him. "Wizard Water^© can certainly help you to hear faster, but sometimes that only speeds up your mistakes."

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Wizard Water as an Engine Additive

A warning for boiler operators: Wizard Water^© should be used with great caution in steam engines! I was travelling by train from Savannah to Atlanta a couple years ago when a woman who was in the family way began to go into labor. Knowing that the train was still a good six hours from Atlanta, the lady’s husband importuned me to assist in delivery. I agreed, for the price of one bottle of Wizard Water^©.

Upon payment, I immediately left the woman and took the bottle of Wizard Water^© to the engine car. I poured its contents into the boiler. The locomotive picked up speed and arrived in Atlanta within 30 minutes! The woman’s personal physician was waiting at the station, and he safely delivered to her a healthy baby girl. The parents expressed to me their extreme gratitude.

This so impressed the engineer that he bought my entire supply of Wizard Water^©. I warned him to use it sparingly.

Unfortunately, the engineer disregarded my advice. I later heard that the train broke the speed record for the Savannah-Atlanta run, but was unable to slow down at stations or for stray cattle. One stationmaster who had the wits to observe the secondhand on his pocketwatch estimated that the locomotive reached an unprecedented 91 miles per hour as it roared through town, just before it jumped the track. The United States Postal Service sued the train’s owner for misdelivery of mail, and several farmers also sued for the replacement of some prize bulls and a long stretch of fence. The engineer lost his job. I had to leave the state for a while.

Let this be a lesson to engineers and boiler operators alike! I deeply regret belated mail delivery and the loss of farm life through misuse of my product. (It's nice to know, however, that somewhere in Atlanta there is a little girl who bears the middle name of “Doc”.)

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Wizard Water Ameliorates Cattle Dispute!

Do your neighbor’s cattle trample through your streams? Has a stampede ever kept you at home? If you’ve encountered any of these problems, you may want to consider following the example of lawman Wyatt Earp of Tombstone, Arizona.


Earp had repeated run-ins of this nature with cowboys from the Clanton ranch. After failing to find any resolution to his troubles, he finally decided to arrest the miscreants. He confronted them near a corral in town and told them to turn in their weapons. They objected. A fracas ensued.


Several of the cowboys fell in the ensuing gunfire. Finally, when everyone ran out of bullets, the matter seemed settled. Then Wyatt noticed a lone miscreant stumbling toward him, pistol cocked. Wyatt’s own Colt revolver was empty. Suddenly, he remembered his bottle of Doc’s Wizard Water©, that wondrous potion with 1,001 uses.

Wyatt quickly pulled the bottle from his saddle bag and threw it at the cowboy. It cracked right on top of his head. The man stopped in his tracks. “I see the light!” the ranch hand exclaimed. “We were wrong to treat you so poorly, Wyatt! I think I will learn to read! Then I will sell Bibles to the miners!” And he did. That man turned his whole life around and started a new career, all thanks to a bottle of Doc Johnson’s wondrous Wizard Water©! Think what it can do for you!