Wizard Water as an Engine Additive

A warning for boiler operators: Wizard Water^© should be used with great caution in steam engines! I was travelling by train from Savannah to Atlanta a couple years ago when a woman who was in the family way began to go into labor. Knowing that the train was still a good six hours from Atlanta, the lady’s husband importuned me to assist in delivery. I agreed, for the price of one bottle of Wizard Water^©.

Upon payment, I immediately left the woman and took the bottle of Wizard Water^© to the engine car. I poured its contents into the boiler. The locomotive picked up speed and arrived in Atlanta within 30 minutes! The woman’s personal physician was waiting at the station, and he safely delivered to her a healthy baby girl. The parents expressed to me their extreme gratitude.

This so impressed the engineer that he bought my entire supply of Wizard Water^©. I warned him to use it sparingly.

Unfortunately, the engineer disregarded my advice. I later heard that the train broke the speed record for the Savannah-Atlanta run, but was unable to slow down at stations or for stray cattle. One stationmaster who had the wits to observe the secondhand on his pocketwatch estimated that the locomotive reached an unprecedented 91 miles per hour as it roared through town, just before it jumped the track. The United States Postal Service sued the train’s owner for misdelivery of mail, and several farmers also sued for the replacement of some prize bulls and a long stretch of fence. The engineer lost his job. I had to leave the state for a while.

Let this be a lesson to engineers and boiler operators alike! I deeply regret belated mail delivery and the loss of farm life through misuse of my product. (It's nice to know, however, that somewhere in Atlanta there is a little girl who bears the middle name of “Doc”.)

* * *