Nutritional Advice

Lots of folks who are vegetarians don’t realize that it is okay to eat meat. Meat is just processed vegetables. Cows have a diet of grass, grain, or corn, and then process them for you, which saves your body the strain of digesting a raw product.

Likewise, when you drink beer, you are getting concentrated grain. Beer for breakfast is perfectly acceptable and a quick way to get your daily dose of grain if you are in a hurry. Whiskey is even better for you because it takes the essence of corn and distills it down to its basics in a super-concentrated form. Alcohol does kill brain cells like you’ve been told, but it only kills the weaker ones, leaving the stronger cells to flourish. So a bottle of whiskey not only nourishes and strengthens you, it makes you smarter as well.

Donuts, cake and cookies are also all made from grain, and they contain sugar, which is known to give you energy. Some physicians advise against other stimulants such as chocolate and coffee, but bear in mind that chocolate and coffee are both made from beans. Beans, as anyone knows, are the chief component of our army’s diet, and if beans can keep a soldier strong, they can keep you strong, too.

So my advice is that you have a breakfast consisting of the following: coffee, bacon, whiskey, sausages, beer, donuts and chocolate chip cookies. You will probably live longer, or at least in a considerably happier state.

copyright ©2009 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Doc’s Advice on What Not to Give a Woman on Valentine’s Day

1. Poultry (dead or alive).
2. Fancy mail-order face cream “that gets rid of blemishes.”
3. A sturdy shoulder yoke to help her carry water buckets.
4. A mechanical corn-shucker.
5. Chocolate-covered novelty foods, such as green beans.
6. Any perfume named after a city, such as “Eau de New York.”
7. Large new cast-iron frying pan.
8. Extra-large cast-iron cooking pot.
9. Cast-iron anything.
10. A fur sunbonnet.

Also, do not cook dinner for her if the only thing you know how to fix is beans and mashed potatoes.

Most importantly, do not try to save money by giving the one you love a slightly used bouquet of flowers (or if you do, first make sure the sympathy card is removed).

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.