Sunday, February 19, 2012

The Gravity Problem

I'm pleased to announce that I have solved the gravity problem.

As we all know, too many things hit the ground that shouldn't -- among them vases, flyballs, and unpleasant facts.

Here is the cure: Wizard Water© plus helium. Wizard Water's natural intensifying effects are amplified with the addition of this rare air, and the effect can be put to good use.

Do you occasionally drop a glass of whiskey, or a large amount of money on a horse named "Dust Devil"? Do you sometimes find yourself sitting in the dirt outside a saloon for no good reason? Wizard Water© and a little light gas can help.

The next time you notice yourself in a situation that requires equilibrium or the application of a counterforce to keep you from getting carried away, try the following: mix a few drops of Wizard Water© with an ounce or more of helium. Shake well, and pour it over the object on which gravity or imprudence may exert its influence.

Whether the subject is a pitcher full of beer or a minister delivering a sermon on the evils of drinking, the aforementioned concoction will lighten it and counteract imbalance. Try to drop a mug that has been treated with this formulation -- the mug will float to the rafters. Angry customers will inspire laughter, and advice from your mother-in-law will not weigh down anyone.

Just take care not to apply this mixture to campaign speeches. Such items are mostly hot air to begin with, and additional inflation can cause the speaker to float off with his words.

Copyright © 2012 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

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