More Weather Problems

The wind continues to play havoc with my product. Yesterday it blew my wagon against a cliff wall and then moved the wall two feet further west. The wagon would have been shattered if it wasn’t full of Wizard Water^©. The strength of my product reinforced the wagon frame and so averted complete disaster.

However, some inconvenience was incurred. The constant pressure of the wind blowing up from under the carriage pushed the bottles out of shape. They became narrower at the bottom and wider at the top. In fact, they strongly resembled gin bottles. At my next stop, a racetrack, I was delayed by a revenue man. I tried to explain to him that the containers were NOT gin bottles, merely victims of wind shear.

He would have none of it. He insisted I pay the required liquor tax. So I told him that I was selling a powerful new horse tonic. It was so strong, I declared, that it invacuated wide-based bottles and altered the shape of glass. Likewise it strengthened hooves and enabled a beast to leap twice the height of ordinary hurdles.

“Why do you think I am at a racetrack?” I said. “I did not wish to say so at first, but I am here to replenish the stock of a certain prize-winning jockey.”

He bought two cases.

I still believe that honesty is the best policy -- but only if it works.

Copyright © 2012 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

Unsettling Weather

The weather has been finicky of late. The other day a dry spell hovering over the area was suddenly interrupted by a windstorm blowing in from the east and an ice storm from the north. It happened so suddenly that frogs leaping out of the creek were tossed into the air, frozen and dehydrated within seconds. My wife’s laundry was similarly afflicted. She had hung it out on a line to dry, and it all froze. Then the desert-like air shrank everything. I tried re-sizing the sheets with Wizard Water^©, but I was off on the proportions. Now they are only fit for ship’s sails.

I hope the weather settles, as this does not bode well for winter. I also do not wish to see any more of my vests converted into sofa upholstery.

Political Acumen

I make it a point to never get involved in politics.

“But you're a gambling man, Doc!” some people exclaim. “Why get involved in card games but not in politics?”

“Because,” I reply, “Aces made of cardboard are more easily acquired and hidden than aces made from promises."

"Also, it’s easier to run from a few men than from a country.”

Copyright © 2012 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

A Little Music In Dahlonega

I am back from Dahlonega, where I hosted another Mountain Music and Medicine Show. The performers were the Rosin Sisters, George Norman, Whit Connah, Alex Thomlinson and Friends, the  Buzzard Mountain Boys and a duo who called themselves “Two-Toed Squid.” I did not ask the latter why they called themselves thus. I once made the mistake of asking an Apache warrior why he was called “Chuckling Bear” and spent next three days pulling cactus spines out of my hat.

So I no longer ask people the origin of their names. I make up an answer. In this case I believe that the musicians belonging to the band in question were such a rare and memorable pool of talent that they had to give themselves an equally rare and memorable name. Keep that in mind when you name your own children….but remember that “Two-Toed Squid” is taken.