Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Doc’s New Year’s Resolutions

1. Don't excercise, as it leads to fatigue.

2. Hand over the day-to-day work reins to assistant in order to concentrate on product development.

3. Teach assistant Bleb accounting and how to play banjo.

4. Develop a hair restorative that doesn’t explode or eat through the bottle.

5. Develop more games of chance that aren’t.

6. Invent a cure for which there is no disease, and market the hell out of it.

7. Hide money where “Mrs. Doc” won’t find it.

8. Don’t hide paper money in the hay bin that the mule eats out of.

9. Convince printer to pay for labels in exchange for free advertising.

10. Convince mother-in-law that she should visit Tierra del Fuego.

11. Never warm the label glue near the stove when the wife is preparing gravy.

12. Eat fewer beans, at least before a show.

copyright ©2008 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Doc and Santa

Green Wizard Water bottleI had a falling-out with Santa last year and I’m not sure if the old elf will bring me candy or coal this Christmas. Kringle received some letters requesting bottles of my wondrous Wizard Water©. It’s not something they manufacture up North, though, so he contacted me. I wanted to charge the old fellow the regular rate – two dollars a bottle. (I know that’s almost a week’s pay for most folks and seems exorbitant, but what is the price of good health?)

“This is a business,” I told Santa, “and I can’t afford to give this valuable product away, even to a fellow miracle-worker.” So all Kringle could do last year was leave notes under a bunch of trees referring people to me.

The old elf got even though – in the notes, he also guaranteed the bottles would be free. I found this out later when folks started bringing me the hand-written notes. What could I do? The letters were signed by Kris Kringle himself! I wasn’t going to call Santa a liar.

So for the first time in my life, I gave away my Wizard Water©. But I charged for the bottles.

“The medicine is free to bearers of the signed certificate, but the bottles are two dollars each. They are made from a specially formulated glass shipped all the way from Brazil by way of Cape Horn, and I have to charge full price for them," I explained. “They preserve the freshness of the medicine twice as long as regular brown glass. They're also Christmas green, in keeping with the season.”

Described that way, most folks anted up. I sent the old fellow a letter this year asking him for a new hat for Bleb, some horehound candy and a bullet-proof frock coat, but I may be in for a disappointment. I won’t mind, though. We can use the coal.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Doc Deals with Cold Weather

Winter is setting in and every morning now my wife has to knock ice off the water pump. That’s not so bad. One year it was so cold the fire froze and we had to wait for the sun to come up for it to thaw out. We kept warm by rubbing an iron rasp against the flames. I had an idea and started whittling off pieces. I was hoping I could mix them with a little Wizard Water© and sell them as genuine “fire water” at twice the usual price. They unfroze, though, before I could stuff them inside any bottles.

Real fire water's too dangerous to make. But if it had worked, I could have given the local brand of white lightning some strong competition!

copyright ©2008 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Mercantile Advice

I was up in Dahlonega this week. Mr. Nix, who owns the general store, had just gotten in a shipment of men’s boots. Problem was, the boots were all white.

“What am I gonna do, Doc?” he asked. “No men around here are going to buy white boots! That’s for ladies and New York dandies! And it’s too late to get them exchanged with my Chicago supplier before Christmas!”

“Well if it was me, Mr. Nix, I’d tell folks they’re special boots. They’re white for hunting in the snow, so they won’t leave any tracks. They were invented out in the steppes of Russia, for hunting Siberian sabre-tooth polar bears.”

“Siberian sabre-tooth polar bears!" exclaimed Mr. Nix. “There’s no such thing!”

“Not any more," I said. "They were hunted to extinction because the clever native hunters wore white boots that hid their tracks.”

Mr. Nix did as I suggested, and he sold every single pair.

* * * * *