A New Dictionary

I am compiling a dictionary of medical conditions for common use. The work is very tiring. Here is the first entry:

Exhaustion - another word for not being able to finish a sent

Sound Business Practices

It is better to lead from behind, where setting a good example is advisable, but not required.

Hindsight is foresight with a wider margin of safety.

Always tip your bartender well. He knows when the sheriff likes to stop by, and where the good exits are located.

(c) 2013 Laurie J. Anderson; all rights reserved.

The Cicada Problem

Cicadas have emerged from their underground caverns and are noisily announcing their presence in all quarters. I was approached by one nervous lady who had become exasperated by their ceaseless droning.

“It is like living among a convention of fiddlers who know only one note, yet must rehearse that note constantly, backwards and forwards!” she complained, wringing her hands. “What can you suggest?”

I told her of a farmer I knew who rounded up all the cicadas he could find – and he could find them easily due to their noise-making – and sold them to a baker in New York City.

“A baker!” she exclaimed. “Whatever for?!”

“I am not sure,” I replied. “I heard of a ‘bug biscuit’ concocted there as a cheap food for dogs. Perhaps you can locate that baker and profit from your problem.”

“I know some young boys who might be willing to assist me,” she said thoughtfully. “ - if I offer a bounty for each bug. I am sure to recoup my investment.”

She hurried off. I heard no more from her, but I wish her well. I did not tell her that the dogs who were offered such biscuits refused to eat them, and the baker was left with a surplus of insect-enriched flour.

In some countries cicadas are eaten to no ill effect, but whenever I visit that metropolis, I choose my restaurants carefully.

Copyright © 2013 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

A Timely Aid

I was once arrested for selling Wizard Water^© on a Sunday. I sold the elixir on a Saturday, but the client applied it to the gears of a broken clock, and the timepiece fast-forwarded a full day. This was in a town so far out West that trains had to set their schedules ahead in order to arrive on time. The clock advance just evened things out, for folks in that town were already late receiving most things.

The pastor had to rush out a sermon, however, mistakenly preached a funeral instead, and was mighty upset. He complained to the sheriff, who put me in handcuffs.

I knew the law, though, and cited it when I went before the judge.

“You see, sir, I conducted the business on a Saturday. You recall for you were there. You cannot convict for breaking the law before it went into effect.” He had to agree and let me go.

I prefer being ahead of the facts than behind them.

Copyright © 2013 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

Keeping Things Light

I was in Dahlonega again yesterday for another Mountain Music & Medicine Show. Dahlonega, located in the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains, is renowned as a gold-mining town. Though rich in ore, its inhabitants have few medical options, however, and not much professional entertainment to lift the spirits of the ill or their loved ones. I hate to see all those poor, hard-working miners suffer for lack of Wizard Water or the cheering distraction of a friendly card game. This is why I visit so often -- to lighten their burdens as best I can.