Sunday, December 30, 2012

Resolutions for the New Year

I could not think of any areas in which I needed improvement, so this year I composed a list of resolutions for my wife:
  1. Do not wait up for your husband when he stays out late.
  2. If you must wait up, do so without a rolling pin.
  3. Always have a hot meal ready or easily prepared for your spouse. Grits do not count.
  4. A woman’s hat should not exceed the height of her husband’s hat, or the height of the doorway.
  5. Since a woman’s hat hosts flags, ribbons, dead birds and entire gardens, it is not unreasonable to expect a wife to add one or two of her husband’s Wizard Water© bottles to the mix. This at least can serve as advertising, which will help support her hat habit.
  6. A good wife should give at least two weeks’ warning prior to any visit by her mother, or at least enough time for her husband to saddle up the mule.
  7. Leaky roofs are God’s way of reminding us of His great power. As God favors us with frequent reminders, please acquire more buckets.
  8. Snoring is a form of deep contemplation and should not be interrupted.
  9. Learn more useful skills, such as carpentry and horse-shoeing.
  10. Do not wash your husband’s boots and leave them by the fire to dry – or should I say, to shrink three sizes.
  11. Coffee was not meant to be fried. Quit trying.
I showed my wife the list, and she read it carefully. I am now spending the night in the barn with Bleb. I hereby resolve not to do that again.

Copyright © 2012 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

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