Sunday, June 6, 2010

The Springs of Panacea

I was in the town of Panacea, near the Gulf Coast of Florida last week but could sell no Wizard Water©. The town already has its own curative waters -- a cluster of sulphur springs noted for their remarkable healing properties.

There are at least 13 of these small springs, and each one possesses a different virtue: one reportedly heals deafness of the left ear; another heals deafness of the right ear (care must be taken when applying the waters of each, because in combination they cause baldness). Another spring kills cockroaches -- although the owner of that spring asks that bathers first bag all such vermin prior to dipping them in the waters. Yet another spring miraculously removes elbow warts. Another makes an excellent bear repellant.

I could go on, but my list of what these springs cure would be incomplete, as a town official told me that new remedies are discovered weekly. I am certain that by the time of this writing they have come up with a few more.

The one thing Panaceans cannot do is properly bottle their water -- you must travel through the swamps of Florida and visit the town itself to receive the full benefit of the efflux. Wizard Water© has no such drawback. You can carry a bottle with you wherever you go and it will retain its full strength. In fact, if you throw it with enough force it will repel not only bears, but also landlords and persistent law enforcement officials.

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