Sunday, August 28, 2011

Mountain Music & Medicine Show - Back Again!

Doc JohnsonI'll be hosting the Mountain Music and Medicine Show at the Holly Theater in Dahlonega, Georgia on September 3rd (this upcoming Saturday night), starting at 8:00 pm. If you get there early you'll probably get to hear some pretty good pre-show picking. Guests are the BS Band, Arlo Finch and the Green Jungle Band, Rick Harris & Friends, Homegrown Revival, and those corn-brewing, story-stretching, no-account string-playing fellows from Buzzard Mountain. With that many performers, I hope we have enough room for an audience, too! Hope to see you there!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

A Quick and Reliable Way to Wealth

wildwestpokerThere are many ways to achieve wealth, but none are as quick and reliable as armed robbery. The element of danger that accompanies this method, though, is only exceeded by pearl diving and mining with explosives.

Games of chance are another quick route to wealth, but they lack reliability and carry their own hazards. This is especially true if your fellow players can spot bottom-dealing.

If you must gamble, therefore, play with the sight-impaired. This not only increases your chances of winning the hand you deal yourself, but decreases your chances of becoming suddenly encumbered by multiple, accelerating lead weights. The latter are too quick and reliable, unfortunately, to leave to chance.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Advice for Eating and Living a Long Life

Cheese and bacon taste good with anything, and are always in demand. If you want a future that is secure into the next century, invest in these two commodities.

Do not bite off more than you can swallow.
Do not swallow more than you can chew.
Do not swallow tobacco, but if it's unavoidable you'll be glad you followed the other two rules.

Chewing bourbon is unecessary. Or should be.

If you look down and cannot see your shoes from a standing position, it is time to get a stronger girdle.

If you're going to live a long life, keep your debts small or your whereabouts unknown.

Stay on the safe side of 45 - the side where the bullet is pointed away from you.

Retire early, unless there's a high stakes game nearby.

Never share a strip of beef jerky with a dog or a joke with a politician. You won't get either back -- at least not in good shape.

Sand is not good for digestion. Avoid landing in it face-first.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, which means 12 pounds of cure can be poured into a 12-ounce beer mug.

If you've got everything going for you, drop the heavy stuff and run faster.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Wizard Water Helps All Over

Has your get-up-and-go got up and gone? Wizard Water© is the perfect pick-me-up for the long, hot, dog days of summer. It energizes the most listless of young men and puts a spring in the step of the oldest.

Why, I knew a man who sat on his porch every day for the entire month of August. His beans went unpicked, his house went untended, and his family went unprovided for.

His son happened to see my show and bought half a bottle of Wizard Water. (Normally I don't sell my product by halves, but the boy explained his plight and that he had no additional funds, and I took pity on him.)

Well that boy put a tablespoonful of my elixir in his father's oatmeal, and soon the older man had not only picked all the beans, but also replaced the roof, built an extra room onto the house, laid a foundation for the local schoolhouse, constructed a corral to contain a herd of wild horses he'd lassoed, and harvested his neighbor's entire cotton crop -- and that was just on Tuesday.

The last I heard, he was finishing the schoolhouse (all three stories of it) and planting a second crop of beans. His family appreciated all the help at home, but was fixing to move to North Carolina just to get some sleep.

I asked his son how they would transport their goods over yonder, since the head of their family needed the horse and wagon.

"Not a problem," said the boy. "Father's going to drive us there and then quarry some granite to carry back here so he can build a clock tower."

So there you are. If your get-up-and-go has got up and gone, Wizard Water will help, both hither and yon.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.