A Christmas Dinner

There is nothing like a plate full of roast beef, goose paté, oyster croquettes, potatoes mashed with chives and heavy cream, cranberry jelly, pickles and soft white bread rolls with sweet butter, followed by Neapolitan ice cream, plum pudding, coconut cake, Madeira wine, a good imported whiskey and a Cuban cigar.

Unfortunately, my wife only cooks what is near at hand. Once again our holiday table is laid out with roast possum, fried hog's feet, cornbread dressing, applesauce, pickled green beans, sweet potato pie, apple cider and coffee.

In an effort to help, I told her that I've had much better meals in New York city, as well as Boston and New Orleans. "Your cooking lacks sophistication," I said. "We need a more cosmopolitan table."

She invited her mother from Atlanta.

I am not sure if she is trying to comply or shut me up.

Copyright © 2011 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

What Not to Put Into a Christmas Stocking

1. Jelly
2. Loose tobacco mixed with lemon drops
3. Live turtles
4. Anything with a beak.

Copyright © 2011 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

The Company You Keep

My old acquaintance Kris Kringle was in town the other day to pick up supplies. He lives up north and only gets in every few months.

"I don't see how anybody could live alone year round," I told him.

"I keep busy," he replied.

"Yes, but don't you miss company?" I asked. "Don't you long for a good poker game among friends?"

He thought about that and allowed as how it might be nice. It so happened I knew of a game that very night. He joined me and two miners I'd recently met.

All went well until one of the fellows, "Arkansas" Jack, claimed a full house with five aces.

"How do you figure that?" asked Kringle.

"Well look at it," said Jack. "Three of a kind and two of a kind. That's a full house."

"I'm looking at it," said Kringle, "but I'm not sure you get what I'm saying."

"I'M SAYIN' that my full house beats your three of a kind," said Jack, raising his voice.

"I understand that," said Kringle, "But since when does one deck of cards hold five aces?"

"Well obviously this one does," said Jack. "That's what I was dealt, and I'm not arguin' with it. What's more, that one hand and this other hand holding my .45 say the pot is mine."

And so "Arkansas" slid the pile of coins, gentlemen's watches and one diamond stickpin into his hat, excused himself from the table, and left.

Kringle looked hard at me.

"You think I had something to do with that?" I exclaimed. "He made off with my wife's favorite hatpin."

"I think," said Kringle, "that you should not play with the same people twice."

"I generally don't," I replied. "but only because I like meeting new people."

"I was referring to myself," he said, glowering. "At least until you get a new pair of glasses."

And with that he left, too.

Guess I know what I'll find in my stocking later this month.

Copyright © 2011 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

Slow Hearing

Wizard Water^© can speed up hearing, as I've mentioned in the past. However, did you know that Wizard Water^© can also s-l-o-w hearing down? That's correct -- if you don't like waking up before the cock crows, want to follow rather than lead the pack, and most especially don't wish to know when your time is up, simply put a drop of Wizard Water^© on the back of each ear and quit listening to the world at large. Before too long, you will sleep late, avoid dangerous situations by letting others take the risks, and generally live a longer, happier life.

I knew a luthier's assistant who followed this prescription and slowed his hearing down so much that he only learned of bad news ten years after the fact. Though his boss fired him, he continued carving fiddle pegs and managed to produce so many that his former boss started selling the overflow as clothes pins and corset tighteners. The luthier eventually had to rehire the fellow in order to expand the business.

Consider that if you ever think that faster is better. Sometimes you can get ahead even though you're behind by holding on, as long as you keep up.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.