Sunday, December 26, 2010

New Year’s Resolutions

It is the end of the year and a good time to make new resolutions. Therefore, I hereby resolve to

• Lose weight, preferably by convincing my mother-in-law to move to Kentucky.

• Drink while driving only if Bleb is familiar with the route.

• Print a disclaimer on the Wizard Water© bottle absolving me from responsibility for any misuse of the product, including but not limited to: rapid hair growth, rapid hair loss, sudden blizzards, general disatisfaction and bovine combustion.

• Find a quicker way out of Atlanta, Augusta, Cartersville, Dahlonega, Savannah, New Orleans, Memphis, Tallahassee, Paducah, and any place with a new jail.

• Invent a grease that will increase the squeaking of door hinges, and market it as a burglar/husband-coming-home-late-at-night alarm.

• Find new uses for Wizard Water©, perhaps in the area of whiskey production.

• Be more patient with Yankees, particularly when they are betting.

• Teach Bleb French, or the French shuffle.

• Teach Yankees to accept Bleb at the poker table.

• Keep Bleb out of the neighbor’s tobacco barn and far away from all incendiary products.

• Learn to speak fluent politician.

• Kick the pigs out of the basement as soon as the weather warms up.

Life is too short to be lived quietly, and too long if you do.

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

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