Doc Johnson's Travelling Miracle Medicine Show

How to Deal with Mildew

2012-01-29T22:30:00.010-05:00

This winter has been wet, but not as wet as the winter of ’73. That January was so damp that the mildew found its way into the Wizard Water^© I had stored in the basement, sprouted roots and branches, and lifted our house off its foundation. I nearly panicked, but the growth favored warmth and headed towards the coast. I waited until we reached Savannah (where I had business anyway) then boiled off the remaining elixir. The house dropped onto Johnson Square and sits there to this day. Upon the conclusion of my business I sold the structure, except for the basement (which remained on the property up north). The money paid for a new home on the old property with the addition of a furnace.

We should not encounter such a situation again, but if we do I have prepared a map of the best sections of several cities south of here. Weather can be a problem or an opportunity, depending on your perspicacity.

Substitute Ingredients

2012-01-22T22:36:00.004-05:00

There is no substitute for Wizard Water^©. I discovered this one day when I came up short for a key ingredient for my elixir.

I decided to try an alternate component that looked the same -- air-rubbed sleet mixed with chicken tears -- but the resulting product possessed none of the usual strength. In fact the only thing it did was attract women and chuck wagon cooks. This might have had its uses, but I could not think of any.

After nine marriage proposals and 12 onion pies, I dumped the remaining product into a nearby well and hastened to a locale where all the necessary ingredients were near at hand.

Keep this in mind if you ever travel through Oklahoma. The well is still out there, and attracts an undue number of people who insist that you come when called.

Pain Management

2012-01-15T20:58:00.007-05:00

Wizard Water^© is marvelous for amplifying pain. Headaches, arthritis, ax wounds - Wizard Water^© can make them all feel much worse.

"Why would one wish to increase one's pain?" you ask. That is not the goal! Please do not think that I wish to increase suffering - far from it! I only recommend use of Wizard Water^© for pain relief when all other methods have failed. If nothing else reduces your discomfort, try increasing it for a short period of time. Add to your migraine headache with increased pressure; double the ache of a severe gash with a loud, high-pitched ringing in your ears. Before long, you will find yourself wishing for your pre-Wizard-Water^© state.

This is Wizard Water^©'s great benefit -- it helps you to realize that things could be much worse. Therefore, when the effects of my elixir wear off, you will feel much better!

Several customers told me so, and I do not doubt them.

Anvil-Shooting Practice

2012-01-08T23:59:00.005-05:00

A fellow I knew once asked me to go anvil-shooting. I'd never been and asked him if it was difficult.

"Not at all," he said. "Anyone can do it, as long as you don't mind the noise."

Well I'm used to loud noises, but never having participated in this particular sport, I decided to practice first. The local blacksmith loaned me three anvils, and I shot them, no problem.

Danged if I could figure out how to field-dress them, though.

Copyright © 2012 J. Henry Johnson and Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

Happy 1895!

2012-01-01T23:10:00.008-05:00

I welcome the new year with great anticipation. 1894 was a terrible year - the anarchists loosed bombs and also assassinated the French president; the bubonic plague killed thousands in China; thousands of the unemployed marched on Washington, D.C. and thousands of those who WERE employed -- coal miners, Pullman porters and New York City tailors (all of who should have been grateful to have a job in these hard times) went on strike. What is the world coming to?

On the amusing side, women in South Australia gained the right to vote and to be elected to public office! Ha! Wait until their husbands see the results of that!

My New Year's resolution: To continue selling Wizard Water^©, the Aid to Mankind. It will not cure anarchism or the bubonic plague or females seeking the right to vote, but it will keep me happily employed.

A Christmas Dinner

2011-12-25T19:46:00.002-05:00

There is nothing like a plate full of roast beef, goose paté, oyster croquettes, potatoes mashed with chives and heavy cream, cranberry jelly, pickles and soft white bread rolls with sweet butter, followed by Neapolitan ice cream, plum pudding, coconut cake, Madeira wine, a good imported whiskey and a Cuban cigar.

Unfortunately, my wife only cooks what is near at hand. Once again our holiday table is laid out with roast possum, fried hog's feet, cornbread dressing, applesauce, pickled green beans, sweet potato pie, apple cider and coffee.

In an effort to help, I told her that I've had much better meals in New York city, as well as Boston and New Orleans. "Your cooking lacks sophistication," I said. "We need a more cosmopolitan table."

She invited her mother from Atlanta.

I am not sure if she is trying to comply or shut me up.

Copyright © 2011 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

What Not to Put Into a Christmas Stocking

2011-12-18T23:20:00.002-05:00

1. Jelly
2. Loose tobacco mixed with lemon drops
3. Live turtles
4. Anything with a beak.

Copyright © 2011 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

The Company You Keep

2011-12-11T23:59:00.006-05:00

My old acquaintance Kris Kringle was in town the other day to pick up supplies. He lives up north and only gets in every few months.

"I don't see how anybody could live alone year round," I told him.

"I keep busy," he replied.

"Yes, but don't you miss company?" I asked. "Don't you long for a good poker game among friends?"

He thought about that and allowed as how it might be nice. It so happened I knew of a game that very night. He joined me and two miners I'd recently met.

All went well until one of the fellows, "Arkansas" Jack, claimed a full house with five aces.

"How do you figure that?" asked Kringle.

"Well look at it," said Jack. "Three of a kind and two of a kind. That's a full house."

"I'm looking at it," said Kringle, "but I'm not sure you get what I'm saying."

"I'M SAYIN' that my full house beats your three of a kind," said Jack, raising his voice.

"I understand that," said Kringle, "But since when does one deck of cards hold five aces?"

"Well obviously this one does," said Jack. "That's what I was dealt, and I'm not arguin' with it. What's more, that one hand and this other hand holding my .45 say the pot is mine."

And so "Arkansas" slid the pile of coins, gentlemen's watches and one diamond stickpin into his hat, excused himself from the table, and left.

Kringle looked hard at me.

"You think I had something to do with that?" I exclaimed. "He made off with my wife's favorite hatpin."

"I think," said Kringle, "that you should not play with the same people twice."

"I generally don't," I replied. "but only because I like meeting new people."

"I was referring to myself," he said, glowering. "At least until you get a new pair of glasses."

And with that he left, too.

Guess I know what I'll find in my stocking later this month.

Copyright © 2011 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

Slow Hearing

2011-12-04T22:36:00.009-05:00

Wizard Water^© can speed up hearing, as I've mentioned in the past. However, did you know that Wizard Water^© can also s-l-o-w hearing down? That's correct -- if you don't like waking up before the cock crows, want to follow rather than lead the pack, and most especially don't wish to know when your time is up, simply put a drop of Wizard Water^© on the back of each ear and quit listening to the world at large. Before too long, you will sleep late, avoid dangerous situations by letting others take the risks, and generally live a longer, happier life.

I knew a luthier's assistant who followed this prescription and slowed his hearing down so much that he only learned of bad news ten years after the fact. Though his boss fired him, he continued carving fiddle pegs and managed to produce so many that his former boss started selling the overflow as clothes pins and corset tighteners. The luthier eventually had to rehire the fellow in order to expand the business.

Consider that if you ever think that faster is better. Sometimes you can get ahead even though you're behind by holding on, as long as you keep up.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Political Advice

2011-11-27T21:23:00.001-05:00

A word of advice: Never eat dinner at your mother-in-law's house if you vote for the "Free Silver" Party. She will hide all the utensils.

Things to Be Thankful For

2011-11-20T22:45:00.003-05:00

Ten cords of firewood, stacked and dry under the shed.
A clean chimney, from which all starling nests have been removed.
A bin full of coal, even though it cost you your gambling winnings.
A roof that doesn't leak because you spent two days putting down new tarpaper.
Sweet potatoes all dug up and curing in the basement.
A ham and a turkey, though they cost almost as much as the coal.
A well-fed, newly-shod mule who doesn't have foot-rot.
Two sacks of cornmeal, a sack of sugar, ditto coffee beans and 20 tins of oysters.
No plans to travel out of town on business.
A wife guaranteed all the previous things, and who is therefore willing to fix you dinner.

A Dissatisfied Customer

2011-11-13T23:21:00.007-05:00

I was at a hotel in Abilene awhile back and met a cowboy who'd just ridden into town after being on the trail for a couple months. He was hot, dusty and exhausted. After hearing me extol the virtues of my elixir, he purchased a bottle and retired to his room.

Later that afternoon I was accosted by the hotel manager.

"Did you sell some of your Wizard Water^© to the cowhand in room 202," he demanded. I admitted that I had indeed sold my elixir to a fellow of that trade, but did not know in what room he resided.

"Well right now he resides in a bathtub!" cried the manager. "He cannot get out and says that you are responsible! What do you know about this?"

I told the manager that I did not place any hotel guests in hot water. "Just how," I added, "did the fellow say he got into such a predicament?"

"He says he drank a jigger of your Wizard Water^©. Then he poured some into his bath for good measure."

"Oh dear," I said.

"'Oh dear' indeed! He now exceeds the circumference of the vessel in which he sits! Indeed, sir, he overflows it! "

"Well the fault clearly lies with this cattle-wrangler. I always caution my patients to take only a small prescribed dose. He has clearly exceeded that dose," I replied.

"Yes, but he is too tightly wedged and cannot budge! How can we separate him from the tub? We have guests waiting to use it," cried the manager.

"I cannot help you there, sir" I replied. "I am a medicine salesman, not a civil engineer."

I left soon thereafter. The cowboy's condition would eventually revert to normal, I knew, but I did not want to encounter him after his uncomfortable experience -- particularly if he discovered that the drain and plug had branded him.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Variety Acts

2011-11-06T18:34:00.007-05:00

I was up in Dahlonega last night for another Mountain Music and Medicine Show. Sawnee Creek, Mountain Rascals, American Honey and the Wild Turkeys, and Cedar Hill made the show one of the best ones yet – and not just because Jim Adkins of Cedar Hill did a terrific duck impersonation.

I have worked at bringing a singing animal into my medicine show on a regular basis, but it is difficult to teach a parakeet to keep up with a banjo. Bleb is also giving me trouble. He only knows “Happy Birthday to You,” won’t learn anything else, and -- according to my wife -- he sings off-key.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

A Fun Hallowe'en

2011-10-30T22:30:00.001-04:00

Tomorrow night is Hallowe'en. I have no sweets in the house, but that is alright. I am prepared. I know over 200 card tricks. Last year I won 10 popcorn balls, 7 rolls of taffy, 15 lemon drops, 24 pieces of butterscotch, two wax candles and 12 cents. I hope this year someone has a caramel apple.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Cowboys in Cartersville

2011-10-24T23:23:00.003-04:00

I was back in Cartersville this past Saturday and Sunday for their annual Cowboy Festival and Symposium. I thought cowboys only went to rodeos and round-ups, but it looks like they get studious at times, too. They also get musical and poetic. This event featured string bands and cowboys reciting their own poetry, as well as shooting and cooking demonstrations, Indian dancing and fast-draw competitions. One fellow who tried my Wizard Water^© fired off shots so fast that he got a blister on his trigger finger. I lost him as a customer, but gained a few others as a result.

A fellow all in black named Hopalong Cassidy also stopped by and asked me if I'd seen any masked men riding with a herd of cattle. I had not, but said I would keep an eye out. Such a thing is hard to miss. I did pass a herd of goats on my way home, but they were unaccompanied.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Gold Rush Days Again

2011-10-16T23:55:00.003-04:00

I had a great time emceeing Gold Rush Days in Dahlonega, Georgia, the past two days. The weather was clear and sunny, and there were plenty of contestants for the crosscut saw contest and other events.

This year the Grand Marshal was a dog -- a yellow stray named "Nugget." Nugget is known for her punctual rounds to many of the downtown merchants, particularly those who serve food. I was Grand Marshal a couple years ago. I wondered why the town would pick a dog over a human. Mr. Nix pointed out that although I was certainly a good choice, the parade organizers needed someone who wouldn't compete with the merchants in selling a product. The sheriff said it was because the dog ate more biscuits and gravy than I did, and thus promoted commerce. My wife said it was because Nugget was a lot prettier. Whatever the reason, she charmed the crowds. I will have to study her technique.

Sorghum Syrup and Gold Rush Days

2011-10-09T22:00:00.005-04:00

The mountain town of Blairsville, Georgia had a sorghum festival yesterday. Fall is syrup-making time and farmers up in Union County like to celebrate after they've got their cane harvest in and the sweet juice is all boiled down to syrup. There's music, and crafts demonstrations, and sporting contests to see who can shinny up a greased pole the fastest, or eat the most biscuits dipped in sorghum syrup. Bleb favored entering the latter contest, and was disappointed to learn that mules are only allowed to grind the cane, not eat the product (with or without biscuits).

Speaking of festivals, I'll be back up in Dahlonega next Saturday and Sunday to emcee their annual Gold Rush Days. The weather should be just right for the hog calling and clogging contests. Dahlonega is an old mining town, and their festival offers visitors a chance to do some gold-panning, as well as watch a parade and try all kinds of food. The trees should be at or near their brightest autumn colors by then, too. Some folks even say that you see more gold in the trees up there than in the streams. If so, then the real gold rush is when folks hurry up to the mountains to see all the fall foliage -- and that's an event where everyone strikes it rich.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

An Apple Festival

2011-10-02T22:39:00.016-04:00

I visited the annual apple festival in Cornelia, Georgia this past Saturday. They had more pottery for sale than apples. There were stoneware plates and ceramic bowls, porcelain butter dishes and earthenware creamers, jugs with faces and vases of all shapes and sizes, but no yellow-specked King Solomon apples or dark red Limbertwigs. Maybe all the good produce had already found buyers, and the stuff no one could swallow was still up for grabs. That is possible, as any trip to the state capitol will tell you.

Modern Photography

2011-09-25T22:25:00.013-04:00

I am an impatient man and am constantly looking for ways to do things faster. Take photography, for instance. Why should it take hours to create a photograph? Why not a few minutes?

Accordingly, last month I offered some Wizard Water^© to a photographer I know in order that he might conduct an experiment. The fellow added a few drops of my elixir to the chemicals he used to develop his contact paper, to see if it sped up the development process. It didn't have the desired effect. Instead of the portrait developing in less time, the process took even longer than usual. To make matters worse, the visage he photographed did not appear at all. All that showed up was an image of a pair of hands seemingly reaching toward the camera lens -- hands that did not even belong to the photographer. He processed three such sets of images before the truth dawned on him: the paper was reproducing the light that had fallen on it when it was first manufactured.

I was sorry to hear this, as otherwise I might have greatly expanded the market for Wizard Water^©.

An old soldier who was at the studio for his portrait put things into perspective.

"When I was young, we only had the daguerrotype, and it took over 30 minutes to imprint an image on the plate," he said. "The portraitist made us sit on tacks so we wouldn't blink. It was very uncomfortable."

"Folks today have it easy," he continued. "You only have to hold a pose for five minutes. Five minutes! Why, if you tried, you might even hold a smile for that long! How marvelous is modern science!"

And I suppose it is.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Bleb Overindulges

2011-09-18T23:09:00.005-04:00

The first annual Tony and Ann Ianuario Memorial Bluegrass Festival was well attended, and folks not only enjoyed five fine bands (The Buzzard Mountain Boys, Pool Mountain, Three Bucks Shy, The North Georgia Bluegrass Band and BlueBilly Grit) but at the end of it anyone who played an instrument was invited up on stage to jam.

A fine time was had by all - even my mule Bleb. Bleb is not partial to music, but he did discover a grist mill up the Yamtrahoochee Creek a few hundred yards from where the festival was being held. He sampled some of the ground corn meal, then some of the unground corn, and heartily approved of both. Luckily the miller was attending the festival and did not return until after Bleb had left. Bleb is paying for his overindulgence, though - he has a bellyache that rivals the time he ate a barrel of pickled okra last winter.

I wish Bleb would develop a better sense of taste. You would think a creature with such big ears would appreciate a good fiddle tune -- but then you would think politicians who specialize in public speaking would know when to stop taking credit for good weather.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

First Annual Tony & Ann Ianuario Bluegrass Festival

2011-09-11T23:19:00.007-04:00

Saturday afternoon, September 17, I'll be emceeing the first annual Tony & Ann Ianuario Bluegrass Festival in conjunction with Art in the Park at Hurricane Shoals Park, Maysville, GA. Tony and Ann were special people who loved bluegrass, handcrafts, storytelling and helping their community. The event is free and held in an open-air amphitheater. Join Pool Mountain, 3 Bucks Shy, BlueBilly Grit and The Buzzard Mountain Boys for four solid hours of bluegrass!

A Shortcut From Dahlonega to Gainesville, Georgia

2011-09-04T23:04:00.008-04:00

I'm back from Dahlonega after hosting another Mountain Music and Medicine Show. The show went well, even with a few lineup changes, but I was little short of funds afterwards when the sheriff' passed the hat for his Indigent Relations' Fund.

On a positive note, I believe I found a shortcut out of that town that takes you nearly straight down to Gainesville, instead along one of the roundabout mountain roads. Just drive a waterproof vehicle, such as a tightly constructed medicine show wagon, into a shallow section of the Chestatee River. Unhitch your mule and invite him to step onto the wagon bed. Throw a few bottles of Wizard Water^© against a boulder upriver behind you. Wait for the Wizard Water to take effect. When the river has risen to about tree height, ride the wagon all the way down to Gainesville.

This shortcut will shave at least six hours off your trip. It is not for the faint of heart, though. Or anyone transporting drygoods. In fact, I only recommend it if you need a fast way out of town and know the sheriff can't swim.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Mountain Music & Medicine Show - Back Again!

2011-08-28T21:49:00.006-04:00

I'll be hosting the Mountain Music and Medicine Show at the Holly Theater in Dahlonega, Georgia on September 3rd (this upcoming Saturday night), starting at 8:00 pm. If you get there early you'll probably get to hear some pretty good pre-show picking. Guests are the BS Band, Arlo Finch and the Green Jungle Band, Rick Harris & Friends, Homegrown Revival, and those corn-brewing, story-stretching, no-account string-playing fellows from Buzzard Mountain. With that many performers, I hope we have enough room for an audience, too! Hope to see you there!

A Quick and Reliable Way to Wealth

2011-08-21T18:43:00.003-04:00

There are many ways to achieve wealth, but none are as quick and reliable as armed robbery. The element of danger that accompanies this method, though, is only exceeded by pearl diving and mining with explosives.

Games of chance are another quick route to wealth, but they lack reliability and carry their own hazards. This is especially true if your fellow players can spot bottom-dealing.

If you must gamble, therefore, play with the sight-impaired. This not only increases your chances of winning the hand you deal yourself, but decreases your chances of becoming suddenly encumbered by multiple, accelerating lead weights. The latter are too quick and reliable, unfortunately, to leave to chance.

Advice for Eating and Living a Long Life

2011-08-14T20:43:00.005-04:00

Cheese and bacon taste good with anything, and are always in demand. If you want a future that is secure into the next century, invest in these two commodities.

Do not bite off more than you can swallow.
Do not swallow more than you can chew.
Do not swallow tobacco, but if it's unavoidable you'll be glad you followed the other two rules.

Chewing bourbon is unecessary. Or should be.

If you look down and cannot see your shoes from a standing position, it is time to get a stronger girdle.

If you're going to live a long life, keep your debts small or your whereabouts unknown.

Stay on the safe side of 45 - the side where the bullet is pointed away from you.

Retire early, unless there's a high stakes game nearby.

Never share a strip of beef jerky with a dog or a joke with a politician. You won't get either back -- at least not in good shape.

Sand is not good for digestion. Avoid landing in it face-first.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, which means 12 pounds of cure can be poured into a 12-ounce beer mug.

If you've got everything going for you, drop the heavy stuff and run faster.

Wizard Water Helps All Over

2011-08-07T21:20:00.002-04:00

Has your get-up-and-go got up and gone? Wizard Water^© is the perfect pick-me-up for the long, hot, dog days of summer. It energizes the most listless of young men and puts a spring in the step of the oldest.

Why, I knew a man who sat on his porch every day for the entire month of August. His beans went unpicked, his house went untended, and his family went unprovided for.

His son happened to see my show and bought half a bottle of Wizard Water. (Normally I don't sell my product by halves, but the boy explained his plight and that he had no additional funds, and I took pity on him.)

Well that boy put a tablespoonful of my elixir in his father's oatmeal, and soon the older man had not only picked all the beans, but also replaced the roof, built an extra room onto the house, laid a foundation for the local schoolhouse, constructed a corral to contain a herd of wild horses he'd lassoed, and harvested his neighbor's entire cotton crop -- and that was just on Tuesday.

The last I heard, he was finishing the schoolhouse (all three stories of it) and planting a second crop of beans. His family appreciated all the help at home, but was fixing to move to North Carolina just to get some sleep.

I asked his son how they would transport their goods over yonder, since the head of their family needed the horse and wagon.

"Not a problem," said the boy. "Father's going to drive us there and then quarry some granite to carry back here so he can build a clock tower."

So there you are. If your get-up-and-go has got up and gone, Wizard Water will help, both hither and yon.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

"Mail Car" Max

2011-07-31T23:51:00.016-04:00

Since I am well-travelled, I am often asked about the best routes to take. Sometimes I can oblige the individual with a knowledgeable response, and sometimes I tell him about "Mail Car" Max.

"Mail Car" Max was a medium-sized mutt of indeterminate ancestry who made his home at the railroad station in Yonkers, New York. Every morning he would hop on the 6:40 a.m. mail and freight train going due south to Fort Washington. There he would get off and relieve himself, then reboard and continue on to Brooklyn. In Brooklyn he would disembark once more and visit a local tavern, where he was given a bowl of beer and a sausage biscuit. After that he would take a nap. He always woke up in time to board the 2:10 pm westbound train, and returned travelling north by way of Hoboken to Fort Lee, where he completed a circle by taking a ferry back to the city.

Max was well known to all the porters, who documented his travels. When he wasn't sitting on a mail sack he often rode with the conductor, looking out through the foremost window.

Why didn't Max simply hop back on the northbound train to Yonkers for his return trip, in order to get home quickly? Why on earth did he go through New Jersey? Perhaps he preferred the view when crossing the Hudson River from the west to the east. Perhaps he felt he should comfort the porters who had to work in the Garden State. I do not know. The "best" route is sometimes a matter of personal taste, and there's no accounting for that.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Chicken Wrangling

2011-07-24T23:18:00.011-04:00

Out West the farmers have so much open space that they try to do everything on a large scale. I met a fellow who kept a chicken ranch of over 5000 birds. He herded them like cattle. Every fall specially trained dogs and poultry wranglers would drive the flock south to fields he owned in Florida. Come spring they'd move north again. "It's a tedious process," he said, "but they can't handle winter on the plains."

I suggested he add a little Wizard Water^© to their feed. "They will either warm up with calisthenics, or fly all the way to Ocala," I said. He did as I suggested, and sure enough, the trip to Florida was shortened by half.

However, with extra time on their hands, the birds started getting into poker games with the wranglers. They used themselves as collateral. The wranglers, who couldn’t read the birds’ expressions, began losing games, and often accused them of cheating.

This came to an abrupt end on the return trip when the flock thundered through a field outside of Abilene. They churned up the crops so badly that the sheriff fined the farmer 25 cents per chicken to pay for damages.

Since then, the farmer ships his chickens by train. It costs more than traveling by foot, he says, but it’s cheaper than paying a fine for what the sheriff called "disturbing the peas." Plus, the birds aren’t allowed to run free, so he doesn’t have to worry about fowl play.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Dealing With Heat

2011-07-17T22:30:00.012-04:00

Hot weather is the bane of many who must work outdoors. There are places so hot that the people who live there have to live someplace else. A farmer once asked me if I could recommend some way to deal with extreme heat.

"Yes," I said, "Move to Nova Scotia."

"I can't," he said. "My farm is here."

"In that case," I said, "I can only offer you an untested theory. In my travels I have seen that people who live in the Tropics consume very fiery cuisines. The Mexicans season their meals with jalapeño peppers. The East Indians burn their stomachs with curries. West Africans chew the powerful piri-piri chili pepper, and the Polynesians eat lava.

"I believe this is in response to the weather. These natives eat hot things to raise their internal body temperatures to more closely match the external temperature. This enables them to work with impunity in the equatorial heat. Of course, they are used to such searing dishes and we are not."

The farmer pondered this a moment and then walked away. I put the incident out of my mind. A year later, he approached me and gave this interesting report:

"I thought about what you said, Doc, and decided to test your theory. I fed one of my cows nothing but peppers, onions, chili powder and a little sulfur for two weeks during the hottest part of summer. My other cattle were collapsing from the heat or wouldn't budge from the shade, but this one galloped around an open field for hours in the full sun.

Everything seemed fine until she trotted into a creek and exploded."

"Ah!" I said. "I am sorry for your loss. Obviously her system had adapted to extreme heat but could not adjust quickly enough to the cool water. This is good to know. If you ever decide to try this method yourself, take care to avoid sudden changes of temperature."

He said that would not be necessary, as he planned to avoid the method entirely.

That is probably a wise decision. I will rest easier knowing that this cure is not being practiced by anyone in my vicinity.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Words of Wisdom for Travelling Life's Highway

2011-07-10T21:39:00.005-04:00

A vigorous 15-mile walk will do more for an unhappy man than all the medicine in the world, especially if his creditors are unaware that he has left town.

When one window of opportunity closes, another one will appear. This is why you should always keep your eyes open and a crowbar handy.

Do not worry about financial setbacks. It is always possible to live beyond your means.

You can tell the size of a town by what you see on the front page of its newspaper. Crime, scandal and politics -- large town. Crop reports and school recitals -- small town. If the only newspaper you see is from a village 20 miles away, you are at a mailbag stop.

If you must stay at a boarding house, always ask for a bed with sheets.

Always tip the stableboy who minds your horse, or else don't be surprised if halfway to the next town your animal develops a loud case of gas.

If a cowboy joins you for dinner, hide your liquor.
If a minister joins you for dinner, hide your liquor and your opinion.
If a sheriff joins you for dinner, share your liquor and hide your real name.

Don't bother shooting a bird unless it weighs at least 40 pounds. It is not worth plucking and cooking anything smaller, as there is so little meat left after you have removed the feathers and burned it.

Never trust a one-eyed card dealer or a three-fingered explosives expert.

A long head start is better than a fast horse.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Safety Tips

2011-07-03T23:55:00.016-04:00

There are many ways to celebrate the fourth of July, but enthusiasm should be tempered with caution. Here are a few tips to keep in mind:

Always make sure that your Roman candles are pointed away from yourself.
Do not come between a cannon and a countdown.
Make certain that any mortars you light are not aimed at occupied buildings, including chicken houses.

If you discover too late that your rockets were indeed aimed at an egg production facility, it may help to know that a sudden shock to birds helps to prevent avian flu. Tell the owner of the demolished chicken shed that the surviving flock will be stronger and more disease-resistant. A few birds may be lost and the feather quality of those remaining may suffer, but what a small price to pay for peace of mind regarding the health of the rest of flock!

This should buy you enough time to catch the next train out of town.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

A Quick Way to Paint Fences

2011-06-26T22:00:00.015-04:00

This past week my wife announced that her mother was coming for a visit. She then started cleaning the house and insisted that I paint the picket fence.

The fence extends for quite a distance and painting both sides would take some time, so I went to a local drinking establishment to think about the best approach. Sitting at a table just inside was the fire chief. We got to discussing a big fire at Happy Sal's Dance Hall the previous week that he'd had trouble putting out.

"It's too bad you couldn't throw dirt on it," I said, "An avalanche would have put that fire right out."

"Yes," he said, looking into his beer, "but Miss Sal wouldn't be happy. Women hate dirt."

“Yes,” I said. “My mother-in-law likes things to look spotless.”

Which gave me an idea.

"Look," I said, "what if you added some slaked lime to your steam-powered water pump? Then when you spray a building you will leave behind a layer of powder that will continue to smother the flames long after the water has vaporized."

"Are you sure it won't foul up the pump?" he asked.

"Not if you add a little Wizard Water^© to the steam engine to give it added power," I said. "I happen to have a large amount of slaked lime at home, as well as Wizard Water^©. There is even a fence nearby that you can test the pump on."

He walked back to the fire house, and with the help of a couple volunteers pulled the pumper over to my house. They fired up the steam engine. I poured about 100 pounds of slaked lime into the 80 gallon reservoir, stirred it up, then added a couple drops of Wizard Water^© and stood back.

The men aimed the hose at the fence, and at first all went well. A steady stream of whitewash covered the first half of the fence in just a few seconds. It was a job that would have taken me over an hour to complete. As they rolled the engine around the fence corner to continue, though, the water pressure seemed to increase. The hose began to jerk wildly. The men held on, but the hose tossed them into the air and whipped them around violently. The house began receiving the benefit of the whitewash.

Just then my mother-in-law stepped out onto the front porch. She had arrived early. She, too, received the benefit of the whitewash. In fact, she received several coats.

Luckily I had only used a few drops of Wizard Water^©, so the steam pressure soon abated. The fire chief was impressed, but decided to stick with plain water in the future.

“If I ever go into the house-painting business though, I may come see you,” he added.

My wife was, as usual, not pleased.

“Mother is VERY upset!” she said later. “She says she doesn’t feel safe with you around, and she’s leaving as soon as she can get the paint out of her hair.”

I am sorry about that. I thought whitewash improved the look of everything. That is not true. The house and the fence look much better, though.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Another Cowboy Event

2011-06-19T23:19:00.006-04:00

Next Saturday I will be at the Wild West Fest in Marietta, Georgia.

I understand there will be fast-draw demonstrations, lasso lessons and all kinds of Western activities.

I will NOT provide the cow catapult as earlier planned.

The catapult, which can hurl an adult male cow across a field and into a lake, is a spectacular and entertaining diversion, especially at night when sparklers are tied to the animal's horns and tail.

However, election season is coming up, a newspaper reporter will be there, and the town council is reluctant to be credited with throwing the bull.

Therefore, there will be no grand finale paying tribute to all the cattle drives of the great wild west. Folks will have to enjoy my usual honest pitch for Wizard Water^© without any embellishment, and wait for the cows to come home on their own.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

An Occasional Toothache

2011-06-12T22:05:00.011-04:00

Can Wizard Water^© cure toothaches? That depends upon what kind of toothache you have.

Do you have a mild toothache? Ignore it. The pain you feel will only increase if you lend it attention.

Is your toothache severe and unending? Remove the offending tooth immediately. You may wish to seek out a professional dentist or barber, enlist the aid of a friend, or devise a method of your own, but if you hesitate, remember: a constant pain rarely disappears of its own accord. It usually requires assistance.

The occasional toothache is another matter. This kind can be treated effectively with Wizard Water^©, depending on the occasion. I knew a sea captain whose jaw ached severely, but only every four weeks.

"I don't know what causes it, Doc," he told me, "but it keeps me up for one or two nights, and then it's gone."

Further inquiry revealed that his pain coincided with the appearance of the full moon. I recommended that he take a small dose of Wizard Water^© during that time. He followed my advice, and found relief when his body swelled to match his swollen gums. Thanks to Wizard Water's ability to expand skin elasticity, he experienced no pain.

His huge size also intimidated natives at the port where he was berthed.

"When you are bigger than the nearest building, your dock fees go down considerably," he told me.

So you see, it is best to determine what type of toothache you have before treating it. You may need a little Wizard Water^©, or you may need to tie a length of twine to your tooth and your horse's saddle and then slap the horse.

Do not, by the way, try to use the latter method after taking a dose of Wizard Water^©. A tooth the size of a tree stump will upset both the horse and the natives.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Second Annual Piedmont College Bluegrass Festival

2011-06-05T22:44:00.011-04:00

I just returned from hosting the second annual Piedmont College Bluegrass Festival in Demorest, Georgia. The weather was cooler than last year. Last year it got so hot and humid that two mandolins, a banjo and a fiddle belonging to members of The Foxfire Boys swelled up and could only be used as string basses. The musicians were mighty upset. Their rendition of "Old Joe Clark" sounded so profound, though, that a local minister hired them to replace his organist, who'd been blown out a church window in a steampipe mishap.

That was last year. This year, as I said, the weather was much cooler. Only one mandolin swelled up, and only to the size of a guitar. Next year I'll advise the musicians to bind their instruments tightly around the middle with twine, to keep the swelling to a minimum. That way at most they will wind up with dulcimers, which are easily replaced.

In Arizona, they have the opposite problem. It's a dry heat, and their basses tend to shrink. If you've got a penknife and are quick, though, you can turn a large bass into two smaller instruments, neither of them dulcimers. I believe The Foxfire Boys are planning a trip out there soon.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Music and No Mayhem

2011-05-29T21:51:00.008-04:00

I will be acting as master of ceremonies for the second annual Piedmont College bluegrass festival in Demorest, Georgia, next Saturday, the fourth of June.

That's the fourth of June, not the fourth of July. I will be in Savannah on the latter date, at a private event involving a lot of gunpowder. I anticipate things will go better in that seaport city than last year. If you hear of any combustion-related mishaps occurring by the docks in early July, however, keep in mind that I was probably elsewhere.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Disappointment

2011-05-22T18:58:00.008-04:00

We're back from Mule Day at the Shields-Ethridge farm and Bleb isn't speaking to me. He thought we were going to attend a "mule appreciation day" with lots of music, hay, licorice sticks and back scratching. He was right about the music, but was sadly disappointed by the rest of the offerings, which were intended for humans. He was particularly disappointed by the lack of hay and licorice sticks.

What's more, it looks like he will be spending more time at the farm than either of us anticipated, since he found a table full of fried pies by one of the barns. The ladies who intended to sell the pies now insist on being reimbursed for what he consumed; I promised them Bleb would help with the plowing until the debt is repaid.

On the positive side, I never have to worry about Bleb going hungry, partly because he's so resourceful, and partly because he's not particular. He will find something to eat even if it means consuming someone else's handiwork. Of course, this means that after he finishes plowing for the Shields' ladies, he'll also be working for the fellow whose baskets held the pies.

Mule Day

2011-05-15T16:23:00.004-04:00

I'll be at the Shields-Ethridge farm on Saturday May 21 for their annual Mule Day celebration. The farm, along the middle fork of the Oconee River, has been in the Shields family since 1802. During the war, the women who were left to manage the farm hid a couple 500-pound bales of cotton from Yankee soldiers and Confederate tax collectors. When the dust settled and prices were high, they were able to sell the bales for a good sum -- which may have saved the farm. The family was frugal and rarely threw anything away or tore anything down, so there is a lot to see -- a cotton gin, a blacksmith shop, a grist mill, a schoolhouse and all sorts of working matter.

On Saturday, the Crystal River string band will perform, and there will be barbeque and crafts demonstrations, and of course I will be there with my Wizard Water^©. City folks can even try their hand at plowing, if they've a mind to.

Bleb likes the idea of a Mule Day, but I don't think he realizes that it's about farm work. He seems to think it will involve a lot of corn, oats, and lady mules. I have not told him different. This will ensure a swift ride to the farm. After he sees his fellow working mules, the ride home will be even swifter.

Room for Improvement

2011-05-08T20:51:00.010-04:00

I was in Dahlonega last night, for another Mountain Music & Medicine Show of string band music with the groups Bluebilly Grit, Hawkproof Rooster, and Pool Mountain. Bluebilly Grit used to play near a grist mill; I told them they could make more money selling music than cornmeal and they decided to try it. Now I just wished I'd also told them that they needed an experienced salesman like myself to manage them. I know if I could add band member Amber's voice to my Wizard Water^© I could open a whole new market to gospel choirs looking for a heavenly sound. Speaking of singing, Nancy and Charlie Hartness of Hawkproof Rooster fiddled and sang so irresistably that the groundhog that lives under the theater came out and step-jigged up the back stairs. Not to be outdone, Pool Mountain's banjo, bass, fiddle and mandolin playing put so much electricity into the air that several ladies' hats began floating over their owners' heads. By the end of the program, the groundhog was dancing onstage with Mr. Nix, the audience was stomping loud enough to rattle the brick walls, and several of the performers caught fire and had to be doused with Wizard Water^©

So I guess you could say it was a pretty good show. I do think, however, that a few tunes would be vastly improved with the addition of a wind instrument -- something like, say, a comb. I offered to provide such an instrument on "Bury Me Beneath the Willow" but all the musicians declined. I would perform it solo, but it loses something without the additional backup.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

My Theatrical Career

2011-05-01T20:53:00.002-04:00

I once auditioned for a play which called for the part of a doctor. I told the director that my training would lend an air of authenticity and make up for what I lacked in emotive facility. He questioned my medical abilities until one of the actors broke an arm. After setting the arm, I made the cast.

Thus encouraged, I entered an acting contest called "Be a Theater Star!" I didn't win, but the judges were so impressed with my improvisation upon a work of Shakespeare (when Julius Caesar battles Hamlet for the hand of Juliet, from "As You Like It") that they gave me a constellation prize. They said it is called Perna (which is Latin for "ham"), a dim cluster of celestial luminations that lies just below the constellation Taurus (the Bull).

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Coffee

2011-04-24T19:59:00.009-04:00

A good pot of coffee is hard to beat. It wakes you up in the morning, keeps you alert on long rides, and warms you on cold nights. In fact, a good pot of coffee does the same things that a wife does, but at half the cost. The only drawback for bachelors is that they must fix the coffee themselves.

Here is my recipe:

- Bring a pot of water to a boil.
- Add a half pound of Arbuckles, taking care to remove the peppermint stick.
- Let it boil a good while - at least until the water is reduced by half.
- Add a drop or two of Wizard Water^©.
- Stick a metal implement that you are willing to part with, such as a bent nail or a broken horseshoe, into the pot. If the implement stands up on its own, and does not dissolve after five minutes, the coffee is ready.

This brew will keep you going for at least a week, sometimes longer. I knew a cowboy who fixed his coffee this way before a cattle drive and, even though he fell asleep during an all-night ride, he stayed upright on his horse with his eyes open. His frozen posture and intense stare so impressed his compatriots that they took the rest of the trip off, as he appeared able to keep both the cows in line and cattle thieves at bay. When the fellow awoke two days later, he found he had developed a bad case of insectivitis -- too many bugs in the eyes -- but the bonus money he earned for bringing the herd in early more than covered the cost of treatment.

If you are a cowboy contemplating this brew, keep in mind that you will also need a well-trained horse who is familiar with the route and doesn't startle easily. And be sure the horse knows that at the end of the trail he'll get the peppermint stick.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

A Cure for Lost Shoes

2011-04-17T19:10:00.003-04:00

Do you ever forget where you put your shoes? I knew a woman whose children constantly misplaced their boots. And though the family lived in a one-room cabin, she always had great difficulty finding their footwear first thing in the morning. One day all five pairs of boots might be sitting by the fireplace, another day she might find three left ones on a bedpost, two more in a windowsill, and six right ones under a pile of firewood.

"What am I to do, Doc?" she asked. "By the time I find my children's shoes, the sun is high in the sky and they are late for school."

I thought about her problem and came up with a solution -- and my latest invention -- magnetic soles.

"All you need do," I told her, "is run an iron baseboard around the inside of your cabin. Then tack these industrial magnets onto the bottom of your children's boots. The magnets are thick and resemble horseshoes, but if an equine animal can get used to metal footwear, surely your children, members of the human race and therefore superior creatures, can too."

The woman did as I suggested and reported success.

"Thanks to your invention, Doc, I always know where to look for my children's shoes -- along the baseboard," she said. " -- and if I tie the laces tight enough, that is where I can find the children, too."

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Words of Warning

2011-04-10T17:53:00.026-04:00

Wizard Water^©, like any medicine, must be used with care. Do not take more than the recommended amount. Do not apply it in concentrated doses to any organic matter, living or dead, without a doctor's supervision, unless I am well away from town.

Above all, do not spill it!

One of my clients carelessly uncorked a bottle of Wizard Water^© while sitting on his bed, scattering elixir all over the mattress. Soon the feathers inside that mattress quadrupled in size. Unable to stand the pressure, the ticking split open. The stuffing spilled out and began to multiply. The activity continued thus until the poor man was hip-deep in feathers. He escaped, but the feathers filled the house. He had to wait three weeks before he could reenter his own home -- and managed to do so only because the weather turned cold and the plumes flew south. He tried to get a reimbursement from me for the contents of his good feather mattress, but I refused. I will not be held responsible for customer carelessness. Besides, come summer they might return home to roost.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

The Universal Solvent

2011-04-03T23:22:00.004-04:00

Wizard Water^© also makes an excellent cleaner. Be advised that in it's purest, undiluted form, though, it makes no distinction between dirt and other organic matter.

Something to Get Rid of Headaches

2011-03-27T17:48:00.006-04:00

I have discovered a new headache dispersant: solfeggio. "Solfeggio" is an Italian musical term that means "go away." It is used by opera singers to clear their lungs, but it can also be used to clear away other things.

You do not have to be able to sing in order to use solfeggio. I know, for I am not a singer (in fact, as a lad in Sunday school I was asked NOT to sing, just mouth the words so the other children didn't flee), and I have tested this method myself and found it to work. Simply chant the seven musical notes of the diatonic musical scale (or whatever seven notes come to mind) loudly and repeatedly. You will find that the cause of your headache disperses.

This cure generally only works in cases involving crowds or problem customers, but sometimes that's all you need.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Fire and Flood

2011-03-20T22:58:00.008-04:00

The Great Chicago Fire of '71 just missed St. Patrick's church on West Adams Street. Some folks say it was divine intervention, but I'll tell you the truth -- it was the Devil and a beer pump. A few years before the fire, the owner of a brewery located further down the block decided to open a drinking establishment next to the church.

Well, old Scratch favored this arrangement. He could have a drink in the saloon during services, and keep an eye on who was coming out early. He liked it so much, in fact, that he covered the cost of running a pipe directly from the brewery to the saloon. The place soon became known for its cheap, reliable supply of beer, both winter and summer. It didn't hurt that one of its regulars, who smelled slightly of sulphur, also often treated churchgoers to a pint or two.

I used to stop by there on business trips. Scratch was always up for a card game, didn't mind sharing his clients, and I knew enough not to bet anything I couldn't easily replace. The Sunday night that the fire broke out, he'd strolled out with a parishioner named O'Leary, and I was left with a room full of gaming enthusiasts.

About an hour later, one of the patrons spotted flames and shouted a warning. When it became clear that the fire could not be contained, most of the customers fled. The owner asked me why I did not panic as had the rest. I replied, "Because sir, the means of your salvation is at hand."

"I have yet to see you enter that church," said the owner, "I did not take you for a religious man."

"It doesn't take a religious man to see the practicalities of this situation," I replied. "My Wizard Water^© is super-saturated, you know, and will more than double any liquid it is added to. And you sir, have several large tanks and a pumping mechanism at hand."

"A few bottles?!" he cried. "I'll buy all you've got!"

I advised him that two bottles would be enough, but he insisted on purchasing my entire stock. I sold it to him, but the look in his eye worried me and I left the premises as quickly as possible.

I was about three blocks away when the flood caught up with my wagon. My suspicions were correct -- the owner must have added every bottle to his brew tanks. The foamy water raised the wagon as high as the rooftops and carried it for several miles, until I was able to lasso the town hall steeple in Cicero, to the south. St. Pat's, built of solid brick and mortar, survived intact and in place. The wooden brewery and saloon survived too, but floated free. They are now situated about five miles south of the church. The pastor regards this as one of the few blessings caused by the great fire.

Scratch was not pleased. It was bad enough to have his favorite tavern relocate without his say-so; even worse that the credit went to Someone Else. I'm afraid he suspects that I had something to do with the removal. I could argue that Scratch was not entirely blameless in the matter, either, but he is disinclined to look kindly on the truth. Maybe that's why we get along.

Still, I'll wait until St. Pat's has another beer vendor for a neighbor before going back. Sharing affinities with the Devil is not a good enough reason to visit Chicago, unless you're running for office.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Spring Tonic

2011-03-13T19:12:00.005-04:00

Now that winter is nearly over, you are probably preparing to make or take a spring tonic. Spring tonics are an important health aid that reinvigorate the body after it has spent long months indoors. All families have their own recipes, but if you want to guarantee a good effect, remember that adding a little Wizard Water^© to your regular ingredients is the most effective way to revitalize the blood, energize the heart and stimulate the kidneys.

If you are contemplating a tonic but not satisfied with those you have used in the past, you may wish to try one of my own:

For children under the age of five, boil a pound of ramps or new onions in a quart of water. Let it cool, then add a cup of cod liver oil, a drop of Wizard Water^© and serve by the tablespoonful.
For adults, boil five pounds of nettle leaves in two quarts of water. Cool, then strain the water into Mason jars. Add a quarter cup of kerosene and a drop of Wizard Water^© to each jar, and let the jars sit for a day. Serve by the tablespoonful. You may add molasses to improve the taste.
For horses, cows and mules, the recipe is the same as for adult humans, but add a cup of pine tar soap shavings and triple the dose.
Do not try this on chickens.

Any of the above tonics will cure indolence. They will, in fact, get the weakest creature to move faster than you have seen him move in a long time.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Mardi Gras

2011-03-06T19:36:00.010-05:00

I’m back from New Orleans and very glad of it. It is Mardi Gras season in Louisiana, and it takes very little to encounter trouble. I saw a man who was dancing get cut in two by a careless reveler who was wielding a sword. No surgeon was immediately available and the populace appealed to me for help. Thinking quickly, I glued him together with sealing wax. Then I instructed one of his companions to cover him with blankets to keep him warm. His friends went in search of some gin to ease the pain. Before they could return though, the wax melted, and his legs ran away.

I hope the legs are found, or they return of their own accord. I can’t say what the final outcome was. I decided to head home right after that, as I did not want to be held accountable for half measures.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Hearing Aid

2011-02-27T22:33:00.007-05:00

A man once came to me complaining that his hearing was too slow.

"Doc, I'm in trouble" he said, "I supply cattle to several markets back East. Every time I go to the cattle auction in Tucson I get beat out by men who bid quicker. That auctioneer just talks so darn fast that I can't tell where the price is. I once bid three dollars a head for 20 head of cattle only to find out that the bidding had closed five minutes before I chimed in. What can I do?"

"What you need," I said. "Is a little Wizard Water^©. Take a bottle with you to the next auction, and right before it starts, put a drop in each ear."

He did so and sure enough, his hearing speeded up. Now he can not only follow what the auctioneer says, but his ears work so fast that he can hear how far the other cattle agents are willing to bid. He shouts out their highest offer before they can open their mouths, and while they are thinking over whether or not to proceed further, the auctioneer's gavel comes down and he buys the beef.

"I've got another problem now, Doc," he said. "The other day I met a lovely young woman and I already know that if I propose she'll say yes."

"There's a drawback to everything," I told him. "Wizard Water^© can certainly help you to hear faster, but sometimes that only speeds up your mistakes."

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Wind Advisory

2011-02-20T21:50:00.009-05:00

If you ever visit Canyon Diablo out in Arizona, beware of the wind. Locals say it once blew the devil's shadow against a saloon and held it there so firmly that he couldn't walk away. The building began to heat up, flames erupted, and Old Scratch only managed to free himself after his shadow was burned off. The fire also took down the saloon. After that they called the road through town Hell Street.

No one misses the saloon -- they have 14 more, plus 10 gambling houses and eight brothels on a two-block stretch. They need them; the citizens are mostly cattle rustlers and stagecoach robbers and favor lively entertainment. You can tell when you're getting close to town by the increasing frequency of gunfire. The marshals there all die unquiet deaths within a month of taking office.

On second thought, never mind the wind in Canyon Diablo -- beware of the town.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Shaking the Cat, Or How To Predict Marriage

2011-02-13T23:26:00.012-05:00

Ladies who wish to divine who among them is soon to marry may try an old method known as "shaking the cat." Take a new quilt, fresh off the frame, and place a cat in the center. Enjoin all unwed females present to stand in a circle and each take an edge of the quilt. On the count of three, quickly lift the edges of the quilt and toss the cat into the air. Take care to catch the feline again upon its return. Do this several times, each time lifting the cat higher. After the animal has reached the rafters, continue to toss it overhead, but allow it to retire from the activity if it so desires. Whoever is nearest the cat at the point where it vacates the textile will soon be wed.

This may sound like a frivolous and unscientific method to predict marriage, but it has been a tried-and-true practice for generations in the Appalachian mountains. I myself have seen it work. My spinster aunt Ada, age 43, participated in one such cat-shaking at a quilting bee, using her own newly completed quilt. I -- a young boy at the time -- was enlisted to supply the cat from a neighbor's barn. All went well until the animal reached the rafters. At that point the cat decided it was tired of the aerial life, and upon its return gripped the quilt deeply with all 20 claws, simultaneously losing control of its bodily functions. The quilt, torn and stained, was ruined. Aunt Ada was furious. She confronted the cat's owner and demanded reimbursement in the amount of one hundred dollars.

"It is," she claimed, "a fair price, as I sold a similar quilt to a New York dealer for the same amount last year." The owner of the cat, a bachelor farmer, refused to pay. She sued him for damages and won. Rather than sell his farm to cover the costs, he married her.

"It seemed the lesser of two evils," he said, "-- at least at first."

So if you wish to know when you will marry, try shaking a cat in a quilt. If you wish to know who you will marry, make sure the cat belongs to your intended, and is full of cod liver oil.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Wizard Water Strengthens Poultry

2011-02-06T23:15:00.003-05:00

Wizard Water^© is excellent for strengthening poultry, if you give them enough motivation. I had a customer near Pikeville, Kentucky who kept his liquid corn production facility in a chicken house, in order to mask the smell of fermenting sour mash. One day he decided to add a little Wizard Water to give it an extra kick. The chickens got into the mash and nearly devoured his entire product. He moved the still, but the birds found it. Now every fall after the corn harvest he must place the equipment in a different location. The birds always return. He moves it further upstate each time, but the chickens are determined, and they have been strengthened by my elixir. You may doubt me, but it's true. If you happen to be in eastern Kentucky this fall, just look for a flock of chickens flying north.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Texas Travel

2011-01-30T22:21:00.009-05:00

You cannot cross Texas in less than a week. For one thing, the state is wider than four Eastern states strung together, and longer from north to south than six Sundays. For another thing, the storms out there are so fierce they keep moving the border. I once took a train from New Orleans to San Francisco, and outside of Abilene we ran into a cyclone so fierce that it pushed the city limits to the east side of the Mississippi. To make matters worse, the winds turned the tracks around, so the engineer had to run the train in reverse all the way over the Sierras. Even with Wizard Water^© in the boiler to speed things up, we didn't reach Sacramento until the previous Friday. I was early for an appointment, with no good excuse.

My pocketwatch ran backwards for weeks after that, too. It didn't start ticking forward until I visited Boston. Even then it moved about one minute for every five of actual time. They say that time stands still in Boston, but the truth is it just mimics what's happening in Congress.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

A Device to Improve Milk Production

2011-01-23T19:51:00.003-05:00

I have invented a device guaranteed to produce milk from a cow. My "Electric Milk Inducer" consists of a small treadle-operated generator with a wire extension attached to a metal clamp. Before milking, simply attach the metal clamp to one of the cow's ears, taking care that it remains connected to the generator by the wire. Take the cow's udders in both hands and begin milking. If milk is not forthcoming, move the treadle up and down with one or both feet. This will generate an electrical charge that will be relayed to the cow's ear via the clamp. The cow may jump, but it will also produce milk.

Be prepared for some noise on the part of the cow. For that matter, you may feel a shock yourself as you hold its udders while operating the treadle. To avoid this, you may wish to wear my patented shock-proof mittens. They are heavily quilted, and contain thin wood chips in each quilt panel to shield the wearer against electrical excess. They are available at a nominal additional cost. Owing to their bulk, the mittens may interfere with the milking process, but only slightly. If they heat up, remove them immediately. Also, after the first day's use of the Inducer, do not warn the cow that you are coming.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Advice for Those of Limited Means

2011-01-16T21:52:00.004-05:00

I was playing poker with some cowboys out West, when one of them accused me of betting with counterfeit $100 bills. I asked him to prove it, and he pointed out that Bat Masterson was a Canadian and not eligible to be depicted on U.S. currency.

I respectfully disagreed, but nevertheless offered to play with lesser, more common notes. Everyone thought this was best, so we continued the game with $75.00 Buffalo Bills.

All went well, and I eventually walked away several hundred dollars richer, less my initial stake.

If you should ever find yourself short of funds, it is best to improvise. I considered betting with corn, but most cowboys don’t believe in the stalk market. In situations such as these, I have found that a lot of bull usually produces the most chips.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Mountain Music and Medicine Show Begins Its Tenth Year

2011-01-09T22:23:00.004-05:00

I'm back from Dahlonega, where they celebrated the tenth year of The Mountain Music and Medicine Show. I'm not sure which is more amazing -- that folks are still coming to the show, or that the sheriff keeps allowing me back in town.

Last night we had the music groups Mist on the Mountain, Fool's Gold, Ugly Cousin, and Mrs. Nix's cousin Frankie. Frankie was sort of a last-minute substitution. We had a terrific act planned -- a human cannonball -- but he had to cancel at the last minute. You might say he went out with a bang. He was not the caliber of performer we normally employ.

Luckily Frankie showed up, sang his heart out, and folks overlooked the fact that he was from New Jersey. I hear that in New Jersey they favor the marching music of John Philip Sousa, and boil their bread dough before baking it into something called "bagels." I suppose in a crowded place like New Jersey folks want to make sure their music is heard and their bread is safe to eat. Down here we prefer banjos and fiddles over tubas and trombones, and boil our corn before drinking it. We want to make sure we have fun.

Nix's Store

2011-01-02T22:17:00.011-05:00

I will be up in Dahlonega again next Saturday for the Mountain Music & Medicine Show, but before I arrive I would like to heartily recommend Mr. Nix's grocery store.

Mr. Nix's grocery store always has the finest quality goods at the most reasonable prices. Mr. Nix gets his corn meal straight from a nearby mill on Yahoola Creek, and imports flour, sugar and coffee direct from Gainesville. He stores it all in solid tin bins or oak barrels that seal securely, so you know what you buy will be fresh and mostly bug-free. Likewise the eggs are never more than a week old, and hardly ever hatch before you get home. He stocks the most popular kinds of candy: licorice, horehound, and molasses. His loaf bread is prepared with the finest sulfur of copper to preserve the dough. In the fall and winter you can take your pick of locally smoked hams; they are tied securely to the rafters so you need not fear any falling on you. And all the cans are labeled.

Mr. Nix also endeavors to make the latest scientific products available to his customers. Just last month he purchased a new soda water dispensing machine. He sought my advice on the least expensive way to operate the device, the better to offer his clientele the lowest price. I not only supplied him with a formula that would produce the gas needed for beverage carbonation, but also a recipe for a novel and stimulating liquid refreshment. The former involved a simple corn-based recipe developed by the Buzzard Mountain Boys; the latter a unique mixture of caffeine and nitrate. I told him he could concentrate the carbonation with jolts of electricity borrowed from the hotel a few doors away.

That was last week. I had to hurry home for the holidays and did not see my suggestions implemented. I just heard from Professor Grant, though, that there will be a slight delay in introducing the dispenser. Mr. Nix had to order another one from Chicago, plus new front windows and a skylight. It seems that the original dispenser was shoddily constructed, and split apart on its first use. Mr. Nix is cleaning up now.

Do not let such inconveniences deter you from patronizing Mr. Nix's grocery store, though! He has a special deal right now: canning jars are half price if you bring a third of them back filled with something edible. They should also be labeled.

I look forward to presenting my medicine show next week in Dahlonega, and to hitching the wagon in front of Mr. Nix's store as usual. I'm sure he looks forward to it, too.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

New Year’s Resolutions

2010-12-26T22:46:00.014-05:00

It is the end of the year and a good time to make new resolutions. Therefore, I hereby resolve to

• Lose weight, preferably by convincing my mother-in-law to move to Kentucky.

• Drink while driving only if Bleb is familiar with the route.

• Print a disclaimer on the Wizard Water^© bottle absolving me from responsibility for any misuse of the product, including but not limited to: rapid hair growth, rapid hair loss, sudden blizzards, general disatisfaction and bovine combustion.

• Find a quicker way out of Atlanta, Augusta, Cartersville, Dahlonega, Savannah, New Orleans, Memphis, Tallahassee, Paducah, and any place with a new jail.

• Invent a grease that will increase the squeaking of door hinges, and market it as a burglar/husband-coming-home-late-at-night alarm.

• Find new uses for Wizard Water^©, perhaps in the area of whiskey production.

• Be more patient with Yankees, particularly when they are betting.

• Teach Bleb French, or the French shuffle.

• Teach Yankees to accept Bleb at the poker table.

• Keep Bleb out of the neighbor’s tobacco barn and far away from all incendiary products.

• Learn to speak fluent politician.

• Kick the pigs out of the basement as soon as the weather warms up.

Life is too short to be lived quietly, and too long if you do.

Festive Food

2010-12-19T19:21:00.012-05:00

A Holiday Dinner

If you are a bachelor, or your wife is away visiting relatives and has left you to your own devices, you might try this easy-to-fix holiday meal:

1 can beans
several thick slices of bacon
a handful of candy canes

Fry the bacon in a large cast iron skillet. When bacon is fried, add beans and cook until the beans are hot. Pour into a bowl. Stick candy canes in the bowl. Serve.

If you have a block of cheese, you can make a fancier version. Chop the cheese into small chunks. Stick a candy cane into each chunk. Serve with the beans and bacon. Use the candy canes to dunk the cheese into the beans.

Your guests, if you have any, will be impressed.

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

The Trouble with Christmas

2010-12-12T16:36:00.013-05:00

The trouble with Christmas is the conditions you have to meet in order to reap its benefits. Hot apple cider is a necessary restorative in cold weather. You shouldn't be expected to sing for it. Stuffed goose with all the trimmings is just the thing for a hungry man who has labored all night playing poker in a poorly heated saloon; he shouldn't have to wait additional hours for in-laws to attend the meal.

Last month I expressed my dissatisfaction over such requirements with my friend Kringle during a friendly game of checkers at Mr. Nix's store.

"Just who exactly decides what is 'good'?" I asked. "I'm very good at selling Wizard Water^©, but every year I find a lump of coal in my stocking. My wife, on the other hand, can't bake a biscuit that doesn't require a sledgehammer to break apart. They are only useful as wheel brakes, and yet every year she gets a new hat. I wish you would clarify what you mean by 'good'," I told him.

"Good," replied Kringle "is what benefits others, not just yourself. At least your wife's biscuits have some use."

"If I can do something that benefits others, then will you bring me a new hat, too?" I asked.

"I'll think about it," said Kringle. He excused himself to speak with Mr. Nix.

While he was out, I noticed a pair of squirrels lying on the frozen ground in front of the store. They hadn't been there a few minutes before. I walked outside, removed my scarf and gingerly picked them up. They appeared to be breathing. What would benefit these creatures the most, I wondered?

I remembered Kringle's red wool sack lying near the potbelly stove that heated the store. "A few minutes in a warm place might revive these fellows," I thought. I walked back and gently placed them inside the cloth bag. I intended to tell Kringle, but saw the sheriff approaching the store and decided to leave by the back door.

A week later I was in Mr. Nix's store again, and Kringle accosted me.

"I've been looking for you," he said. "Last week I was taking a sack of lace to the Ladies Home Aid Society for their annual potluck dinner and fundraiser. When I arrived at the dinner and opened the sack, a pair of squirrels jumped out. They were tangled in the lace. They dragged it through the puddings. Then they dragged it up the windows, but not before running across a half-dozen iced cakes, leaving a trail of footprints. By the time they were caught, there was pudding and icing smeared all over the floor and curtains. One of the creatures had to be fished out of the punch bowl. The table holding all the food was overturned by screaming women who were trying to leave the hall."

"You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?"

"We experienced some very cold weather last week, as you recall," I said. "No doubt those poor squirrels needed the warmth of your sack. I would thank whoever put them in there."

"I would not," said Kringle, glaring at me.

"But saving those critters benefitted them and not the person who put them there, didn't it?" I asked. "That qualifies as good, doesn't it?"

Kringle gritted his teeth. "Technically, yes," he said. "And because you have shown me what type of good you are capable of, I'm going to ask you to do something that I've never, ever asked anyone else to do."

"What?" I said.

"Don't try to do any more good things this year. You've done enough." With that, he left the store.

I'm terribly pleased.

I hope he knows I wear a hat size seven and a half.

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Wizard Water Restores Energy

2010-12-05T23:49:00.008-05:00

Wizard Water^©is a wonderful energizer, but should not be used in place of a good night's sleep, at least not on a regular basis. A little Wizard Water^© may help you work through the night, but does not eliminate the need for rest. When its energy is expended, you will sleep for as many hours as you missed, plus a few extra. A stingy ranch boss I knew who was too cheap to hire a crew of cowhands did not heed this instruction. Instead he stayed up for three months in order to guide a herd of cattle by himself from Texas to Chicago. As soon as he delivered the herd he stopped taking my elixir. Six months later he awoke to find himself covered with tattoos and wearing a turban, on display at a sideshow exhibit outside Cairo, Illinois. They called him "The Sleeping Sikh" and charged the public five cents per person for admission. He is now embroiled in a lawsuit with the circus owner for a share in the ticket receipts.

So beware -- there are hidden risks. I recently used Wizard Water^© to help me get through a lengthy a poker game. This game stretched over four days because several of the players were using gold dust and would only up the ante one grain at a time. I outlasted my competitors, but I paid for it. I must now sleep for the remainder of the week. I must also share my winnings with my wife. To do otherwise, she warns me, and I risk being sold to the nearest vaudeville troupe as "The Dozing Doctor."

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Leftovers

2010-11-28T19:16:00.006-05:00

If anyone tells you that the holiday season is a time of excess, point to your frugal management of food. Yes, some meals may seem extravagant, but thanks to iceboxes, cold weather and other preservation methods, nothing need go to waste.

All parts of the turkey, for example, have a use. The meat can be eaten as soon as it is roasted, or it can be smoked, dried or pickled and stored for later use. Turkey bones can be saved and added to soup for flavor, or boiled further into gelatin for broths and desserts. The large feathers can be made into writing instruments; the pin feathers can stuff pillows. One may also boil the beak and feet to the same purpose as bones, or dry them for use as back-scratchers. It is a little-known fact that the turkey head also makes excellent wolverine bait and, once caught, the wolverine can protect your valuables (after you have tamed it).

Likewise the fruitcake has a myriad of uses: door stopper; theatrical curtain counterweight and ship ballast, among other things. I knew a woman in Nome, Alaska, whose concerned relatives back East always sent her a good quantity of fruitcake to carry her through winter. When fuel grew low, she would toss one on the fire. It would usually burn for a week.

What may seem like excess could also merely be a misapplication of Wizard Water^© to stretch a meal. A little flour and a few drops of Wizard Water added to turkey drippings, for instance, can more than quadruple the available gravy. Only try this if you are expecting a lot of guests, though. A widow who lived alone once added a little Wizard Water^© to a 10-quart pot on her stove, thinking that would be adequate, but the pot overflowed. If she hadn't been wearing a bamboo bustle she might well have drowned before she floated into the yard. (She was not a wasteful woman, either; she sold the excess gravy to a bricklayer who used it as a sealant.)

So never look at your holiday dinner as an extravagance. If anyone criticizes the quantity of food you are serving, show them the cold storage room that you have built of stacked fruitcakes sealed with congealed gravy, containing all your smoked turkey, quill pens, pillows and back-scratchers, well-guarded by your trained wolverine.

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Some Thanksgiving Advice for Travellers Out West

2010-11-21T15:03:00.012-05:00

Never trust a trail cook everyone calls "Vinegar."

Do not assume that men familiar with fixing steak will also know how to cook a bird.

Never tell a cowboy where you keep your whiskey.

Do not add gunpowder to the cavity of a turkey, no matter how hungry you are or how much whiskey you have had. This will not hasten the cooking process.

Do not weigh down a pot lid with rocks if the pot is to be placed over an open fire. This goes double if the turkey inside the pot has been stuffed with gunpowder.

If invited to share a Thanksgiving meal with cowboys, make sure they understand the previous two rules.

If you happen to be far afield on the eve of Thanksgiving and overtake a cattle drive, always ask if the cook is happy. If you learn that the cook has quit, and someone nicknamed "Vinegar" has taken his place, likewise excuse yourself with urgent business elsewhere.

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Lying Vs. Stretching the Truth

2010-11-14T20:39:00.024-05:00

Some folks accuse me of telling untruths. That is not so. I always tell the truth, at least in part. A flat-out lie is just too dangerous by itself. I learned that from my uncle Hiram. Uncle Hiram -- may he rest in peace -- told lies without a grain of truth in them and an utter disregard for their ill effects. One day he told a whopper of a falsehood so big that it gave all his human listeners severe indigestion and their horses a bad case of colic.

I will not repeat it for obvious reasons. That falsehood was so big that as soon as the sound of what he said reached his own ears, Uncle Hiram's ears swelled up to the size of dinner plates. A little later the horses expelled their colic, but with such a powerful blast of air that they blew out the windows of nearby stores, and in all the wind Uncle Hiram was beaten to death by his own flapping ears.

That's why I don't tell lies.

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Mountain Music and Medicine Show - November 6

2010-11-07T21:00:00.026-05:00

There's nothing like a brisk fall evening to bring folks inside for some good music and bad jokes. While the temperature in Dahlonega fell into the upper 30s, inside the Holley Theatre Curly Maple warmed everyone with their fast-paced, traditional and Celtic-flavored tunes, and the Tucker Station String Band (Ron and Reuben pictured at left) displayed some fine fiddling and harmonies.

Lisa Jacobi, Pete Dasher (pictured at right) and the members of Steel String Session kept the crowd heated up with some high energy mandolin, fiddle and dobro playing.

Folks who arrived early were lucky enough to hear the talented Dickerson kids sing and play traditional Appalachian tunes.

The Buzzard Mountain Boys pestered me and Professor Grant with their usual nonsense; I am used to it but Professor Grant (who is a northerner) is now afraid they will apply to a local college and use him as a reference.

Thanks to all the volunteers and supporters who make this show a success! I'll be back next year if the sheriff doesn't object.

The Life of a Business Man

2010-10-31T21:06:00.025-04:00

It's been a busy week. While in Cartersville, I unwisely left a box of gunpowder near Bleb's feedbag. Bleb is not particular about what he eats. A day later, after I won the shooting contest award for originality, Bleb broke wind and most of the Wizard Water^© bottles as well. He was at least a quarter mile away from the crowds, but the sound was quite clear.

Despite losing most of my product I nearly made a profit in Cartersville. That is, until someone pointed out that most card decks don't carry seven aces. I tried to explain that it was a French deck, but the gentlemen at the table felt that it was best if I played by American rules. Then, considering my involvement in the earlier incidents, they insisted that I return all funds and leave town as soon as possible. I thought this was very generous of them, because most gambling establishments don't give you a running head start.

Since then I've been busy restocking my Wizard Water^© supply. I should be ready for my appointment in Dahlonega this coming weekend. I will be there at the usual spot on Saturday, Nov. 6, if the sheriff doesn't object.

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Another Day in Cartersville

2010-10-24T23:16:00.018-04:00

I have just returned from the Cowboy Festival at Cartersville, Georgia. I am very tired and all out of bullets. Actually I forgot to pack bullets and had to use scarves. When the judges of the shooting contest asked me why, I told them that that is the way they are now doing it in France.

I did not win, but I did get a prize for originality. Many thanks to "Doc" Stovall, Sheryl, Liz and all the folks who put this event together.

More later, after I've had a chance to feed Bleb.

Going, Going, Gone

2010-10-17T21:33:00.013-04:00

Another Gold Rush Days festival has come and gone and I'm happy to report that it went so well this year that when it was over I didn't need an escort to the county line.

Chris Smith and Steve Shaw held onto their title for fastest cross-cut sawing team, even though I kept my promise not to sell any Wizard Water^© to them before the contest (last year they won in under 30 seconds. This year it took them over a minute). Hannah Davis, age seven, was named Best of Show in the costume contest for a dress her mother had worn when she was Hannah's age. Gold Rush King and Queen Dr. Larry and Sallie Joe Sorohan were crowned by their grandchildren Alex and Griffin. Benny Armour (pictured below in the white cap), who has been transporting the parade's Grand Marshals in his horse-drawn wagon since 1966, was named Grand Marshal himself and got to pick his co-rider in the shotgun seat for a change. Members of the Golden Eagle Band of North Georgia State College and University (NGCSU) found someone to unlock the room where their instruments were stored in time to march in the parade. Holden Ross beat a formidable group of older contestants to win this year's hog-calling contest, and the grandmotherly Brenda Evans beat out a much younger set of competitors in the buck dancing contest (and no Wizard Water^© was involved there, either)! My wife enjoyed fresh chicken tamales made by the good ladies of St. Luke's, and purchased some blackberry jam and locally grown tomatoes and apples at the farmer's market in Hancock Park just off the downtown square. I enjoyed some ham biscuits, corn bread, beans and rice, and porkchops-on-a-stick.

Many thanks to Wayne and Sabrina Gooch for their hospitality, and to the Jaycees who run this festival and handle the myriad of challenges that come their way. They not only oversaw the vendors, contests and parade, but they have promised town officials that they will retrieve all hogs still found within city limits by noon tomorrow.

Going for the Gold

2010-10-10T21:59:00.012-04:00

I'll be up in Dahlonega, Georgia again Saturday and Sunday October 16 & 17 to emcee the annual Gold Rush Days festival. There will be food, crafts, contests, live music and on Saturday afternoon a big parade! Besides the proud marching cadets from the North Georgia College and State University, this year's parade will include folks in recyclable costumes! I'm not sure if that means they'll be wearing last year's costumes or riding unicycles, but you can be sure they will be eye-catching! Will Miss Sadie Bafile reclaim her buck-dancing title from last year's winner, Miss Maggie Dyer? Will Chris Smith and Steve Shaw hold onto their title for fastest cross-cut sawing team? Who will win the wheelbarrow race? Can anyone beat Amy Masten at the hog-calling contest? You can only find out if you're there!

Mining for Silver

2010-10-03T22:56:00.015-04:00

I once resided in a cabin out west where I'd staked a claim on a small tract of land that I was certain would produce silver.

A terrible windstorm blew through one night and moved my cabin down the mountain and halfway into the local saloon. When the owner complained, I showed him my property deed. It stated that I owned mining rights to all land within a quarter mile of my boundary marker. The marker was inside the center of my cabin. (I had, with great foresight, placed it there to prevent would-be property thieves from moving it.)

The saloon owner took issue with my claim. He did not want a stranger tunneling under his business. I offered a compromise: I would extract gold from a different quarry in exchange for renting him the mining rights to his saloon. He agreed. For several months thereafter I ran a very profitable faro table on the floor of his establishment while he dug beneath it.

My gambling business would have continued had not another storm blown my cabin back up the mountain. The wind was so fierce that it also blew out several tunnel shafts begun by the saloon owner. The shafts slammed into the mountainside, barely missing my cabin. A quick examination of these tunnels proved my silver claim to be worthless, so I attempted to recoup my investment by suing the saloon owner for property damage.

He was disinclined to pay me or to wait for the circuit judge's monthly visit. He instead hired a posse of a dozen or so of my former faro clients and tried to settle with me out of court. I left to seek my fortune elsewhere. Mining is a tricky business -- before you jump into it, consider all the angles!

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

A Desert Chase

2010-09-26T23:17:00.005-04:00

Wizard Water^© is a powerfully potent potion, but must be used with care! Do not spill a drop! I was once walking through high desert country when I tripped over a rattlesnake, accidentally spilling a few drops of Wizard Water^© on him.

The snake reared up his tail and gave a long warning rattle. I picked myself up slowly, so as not to startle the creature further. That was enough time for the elixir to do its work, however. The snake grew in size. As his physiognomy increased, the distance between us decreased, and he -- no doubt thinking that I was approaching him -- rattled with greater urgency.

I needed no further warning. I leaped as far away as I could and then looked back.

Alas! The snake had lunged, too, and just barely missed my heel. I began to run, but he was on the move now and slithered after me with alacrity. I increased my velocity, clearing bushes and boulders. Still the creature pursued me, his size helping him to close the distance.

Well sir, I ran so fast that I ran out of my boots. Then I ran out of my pants, and then my drawers. The viper kept coming, though. With great relief I saw that we were approaching a cliff. Just before we reached the precipice, I slid into a gully. The snake could not brake so easily and sailed out over the edge. By this time he was going so fast that he split into a dozen smaller snakes. These split into a dozen more. They rained onto the landscape below.

Later, I warned some ranchers in the area that they might expect an increase in poisonous serpents. They dismissed my story, perhaps because I was not properly attired. "If that were true," said one, "we'd throw you to the varmints."

From this experience I learned two valuable lessons:

Never issue a dire warning unless you are fully clothed.

If you are ever in western Wyoming, you can see where it happened and judge the truth of this story for yourself. Just ask the locals to direct you to Snake River. Don't mention my name, though.

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

A Note on Medicine Show Music

2010-09-19T17:31:00.010-04:00

I always try to include a little music in my shows. The other day I won a cornet in a game of chance. I’m not sure what a cornet is, but if I can’t find somebody to play it, I know a fellow who says he can use it in his still.

At that same card game, another fellow tried to use his accordian as collateral for a bet. It has been my experience that the sound of air escaping from an accordian is best experienced in late winter, when firewood is running low. History records that the gallant defenders of the Alamo held that fort for 13 days against over 2,000 Mexican soldiers led by General Santa Anna. It is a little-known fact that the primary reason they were able to hold out for so long was because the defenders had an accordian and cotton wool to stick in their ears, and Santa Anna’s men did not. For these and similar reasons neither I nor my fellow gamblers would accept the accordianist’s offer. He had to scale up if he wanted to draw, but no one liked his pitch and he finally folded.

Usually I can find a fiddler to liven up my presentation, but lately I’ve been considering something more exotic, like a musical saw. It sounds like a fiddle, but unlike a fiddle you can defend yourself with it. (There is no defense for accordian music, but at least if you are holding a saw, no one will object out loud.)

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

A Narrow Escape With the Help of Wizard Water

2010-09-12T18:17:00.005-04:00

One summer while I was in Texas a few years ago, I was set upon by a band of wild Indians. I was on foot and had just enough time to take a sip of Wizard Water^© before running for my life.

We ran for miles, through grasslands and woodlands, up and down canyons, across desert. They would not give up. Finally, I came upon a frozen lake. I slid across it. The Indians were too numerous and fell through the ice. Thus I escaped.

Thank goodness for Wizard Water^© - without it I could never have run until winter!

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Mountain Music & Medicine Show - September

2010-09-05T22:52:00.023-04:00

I parked the wagon outside Nix's general store in Dahlonega, Georgia last night and was joined by the bands Yahoola, Little Country Giants, Mist on the Mountain, the Georgia Pick and Bow Kids, and that pair of reprobates the Buzzard Mountain Boys. Local lady Miz Lynn was so inspired by the latter (or by something they brought with them from the mountain) that she jumped up and danced on the stage! The mayor even joined in with them on a song or two! I must find out what they're adding to their corn.

One thing's for sure - a good time was had by all! Come out and see what it's all about the next time I'm up there on November 6, or visit the photo albums on their FaceBook page.

Windy Weather

2010-08-29T16:39:00.004-04:00

The other day a storm came up out of the west, blowing eastward. It was so strong that it delayed sunset by four hours, and blew most of the knotholes out of my house.

I found them later all over the barn. I'll leave the knotholes there for now because they help keep the barn cool, but come winter I'm going to have to knock them out again and store them somewhere.

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Advice for Bachelors

2010-08-22T23:50:00.009-04:00

What not to serve a guest, no matter how quick and easy it may seem at the time:

- sardine and rhubarb stew
- hard-boiled figs
- fried whiskey
- fallen squirrels
- iced pinto beans
- poached bread
- ground chicory pie
- "found" possum
- Grits a la Mode
- spaghetti cooked in the same water you boiled the coffee
- mashed okra
- macaroni and lard

It is however, perfectly acceptable to serve any of the above to relatives you don't wish to see for a while.

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

A Mosquito Problem

2010-08-15T21:11:00.009-04:00

About a year ago I had the misfortune to get lost in the Atchafalaya swamp in Louisiana. Mosquitoes were everywhere. I wore my coat, despite the heat, to keep from getting bitten. Unbeknownst to me, however, the bottle of Wizard Water^© that I kept in the top pocket was leaking.

The mosquitoes were ravenous. They tried to reach me through the wool coat. Suddenly I felt a strong breeze. I looked up. There, hovering overhead, was a swarm of the largest mosquitoes I had ever seen. I felt the damp pocket and realized the insects had absorbed the elixir while probing the coat.

I turned heel and ran as fast as I could. A fishing shack lay ahead, but even closer lay a dory pulled up onto high ground. I dove under the little boat just in time. The mosquitoes followed close on, hitting the hull so hard that their stingers drilled straight through the wood.

When I saw the pointed beaks appear inside the boat, I did not wait. Quickly, I turned each proboscis back against the wood so the insect could not remove it. Soon the underside of the boat looked like a carpentry project full of bent nails.

My troubles were not over, though. The boat began to rise. I hauled myself under the cross thwarts and hung on. The mosquitoes, their beaks stuck in the hull, lifted the upside-down dory into the air. They carried it above the shack, then above the trees.

I was worried at first, but the increased elevation enabled me to get my bearings. New Orleans lay to the east. Even better, by carefully swinging an arm or a leg, I discovered that I could direct the still-hungry insects to fly where I wished. We headed toward the city. We might have flown all the way there, but a strong gust of wind dislodged me and I fell into Lake Pontchartrain. I managed to swim safely ashore and walked to the French Quarter. The boat flew out of sight.

Since then, I always check the corks that seal my bottles. If you bought a bottle from me before this year, you should, too.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

NOTE: Mrs. Doc knows that the passive voice is considered bad form, but Doc doesn't reform easily.

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Danger in the Swamp

2010-08-08T18:48:00.021-04:00

I once took a shortcut through the Okefenokee Swamp that was almost the death of me. I was on my way to Tebeauvilee, where my wagon was being repaired, and despite warnings from locals I thought the route would save me some time. I was not worried since I was wearing a good pair of buffalo hide boots and carrying a bottle of Wizard Water^© in my back pocket. As I waded through the murky water, though, snakes repeatedly lashed out at my legs. I could feel the impact as they struck the boots. The leather was so thick though, that their fangs just stuck fast. Before long there were a couple dozen snakes attached to my boots, their tails lashing wildly in the water.

All that ruckus attracted the attention of a bull alligator. Bull alligators are the largest type of meat-eating water lizard. This one was about twice the length of my wagon and at least as wide. He likely took the splashing as a sign of a drowning animal. I noticed him slide off a log and head in my direction. I knew there was no way I could outrun him.

I reached a shallow spot where my boots were exposed to air and pulled the bottle of Wizard Water^© out of my back pocket. Quickly I tapped a few drops onto the backs of the snakes and waited a couple seconds. The alligator was coming up fast. The snakes grew faster though. They expanded so much there was hardly room for one body against the next, but the heads were still stuck fast in the boots and the tails writhed like Medusa's wig.

The alligator lunged at me. He had not counted on the action of the enlarged tails, however. Whap! Whap! Whap! Several dozen snakes whipped across his snout with force of snapping bridge cables. He was knocked back a few feet. He came at me again, and was again knocked back. He would not give up. Again and again he lunged, more times than I could count. Finally the beast lost consciousness and the snakes beat him to death.

I managed to drag the body to a dry hillock. There I skinned it. I took the hide with me to Tebeauvilee, where I had it turned into a fine pair of boots to replace the snake-bitten pair.

The alligator hide boots proved even better than the buffalo hide boots. For one thing, they were waterproof. For another, considering their previous owner's single-mindedness, I'd have to say that they were at least twice as thick.

As for the old boots, I tried cutting off the snake bodies from that pair, but they just kept growing back. I finally sold them to a lawyer running for political office, who used them as an example of the wily ways of his opponents. He lost that election, but the boots were such an attention-getter that he used them for three more election campaigns.

One thing you can count on in this world: the persistence of reptiles and politicians.

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Medical Knowledge

2010-08-01T20:15:00.007-04:00

There are literally thousands of miles of blood veins and arteries in your body. This is why people get "tired blood."

Wizard Water^© can help "tired blood," because it speeds up the process by which blood travels through the body without wearing it out. Combustion, however, is possible.

I knew a farmer who fed half a bottle of my elixir to his best dairy cow when her milk production slowed. The cow began to produce milk nonstop. The milk grew warmer and warmer, and he soon realized the cow was producing cream. Elated, he continued milking her.

Things might have been alright had her condition stabilized, but the cream grew thicker. Finally the cow ceased producing anything at all, though its udders were quite distended. In a panic, the farmer ran to fetch a veterinarian. This action probably saved his life. Upon his return, he and the animal expert found bits of Bessie splattered all over the stall, along with prodigious amounts of a thick white substance. The veterinarian tested the latter and determined it to be a mixture of yoghurt and cottage cheese. This greatly puzzled the college-educated doctor. "I can't explain it. There is no precedent for this in any of my textbooks," he told the farmer.

When the farmer found me, I was able to explain it easily. "The heat caused by speeding up the poor beast's constitution created a product she was not equipped to emit," I told him. "She burst apart. Next time, follow directions."

I don't believe in reading a lot of medical texts. Practical experience is the best teacher. (Besides, I know of too many horses who make far more money than I do, without ever having learned to read.)

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

The Recklessness of Youth

2010-07-25T17:12:00.014-04:00

This past Saturday I sold a bottle of Wizard Water^© to a young lad in Toccoa with the usual warning that my product is highly concentrated and should only be used in small doses. He had other plans in mind, it turned out, because his mother came to me that afternoon and reported that she found her son wrapped in squash vines.

Apparently, after hearing what Wizard Water^© can do, the boy decided that a full dose would save him the trouble of toting buckets of water to irrigate his family's garden. He recklessly poured a whole bottle of Wizard Water^© over some freshly planted squash seeds. No sooner did he turn to get the hoe, however, than he heard a loud "boom!" and was showered with dirt. He looked back and saw that the squash plants had burst out of the soil. The vines were running towards him. Alarmed, he hacked at them with the hoe, but they grew so fast that he couldn't hit them twice in the same place.

He tried to flee, but the vines wrapped around his legs. Before he knew it, he was thoroughly enveloped. He called out to his mother -- too late. By the time she arrived the plants had carried the boy past the garden gate. The mother was distraught, of course, and ran to me for advice.

"Can he breathe?" I asked.

"Yes," she replied. "And we've gotten about fifteen pounds of squash off him already."

"Then I would leave him there for a day or so, long enough for him to consider the error of his ways and for you to harvest the crop that he was too lazy to take care of in the proper way. When you have enough squash, water the plant thoroughly with well water to dilute my elixir, and cut him free."

She promised to do as I advised.

Let this serve as a warning to other like-minded youth -- laziness does not pay! If you doubt me, you can go see for yourself -- the boy is situated directly opposite the Toccoa train depot...or he was yesterday. Just stay clear of the vines.

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Another Use for Politics

2010-07-18T22:12:00.001-04:00

It was hot and dry again this week. My wife is now boiling shadows to water her garden.

I am working on a compound that makes use of political tracts as a fertilizer. I grew some very large watermelons earlier this summer with just a single campaign promise. Unfortunately, when we cut them open we found they were full of hot air. I am persevering, however. It seems to be more economical than actual manure, since a little bit goes a very long way.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Possum Music

2010-07-11T21:36:00.008-04:00

A customer once asked me if Wizard Water^© was good for anything besides treating human illness. "Certainly," I replied. "It is the banjo player's best friend. All you need is a bottle of my elixir, a bowl of persimmons, a set of matches, and a small cannon.

"Around dusk, put out a bowl filled with persimmons and Wizard Water^©. Wait nearby with the cannon. When a possum appears and begins to sup from the bowl, carefully aim the cannon. Do not fire immediately, but wait until the Wizard Water^©takes effect. You will know it has taken effect when the creature grows to about half the height of a barn. Then take careful aim and fire. Due to the creature's increased size, you will not miss. Make sure the cannon is aimed away from any human habitation.

"Once you have killed the possum, skin it as quickly as possible and stretch the undamaged portion of the hide over a banjo frame. The hide should tighten of its own accord within a few days. In no time at all you will have a musical instrument at almost no cost.

"The advantages of a possum skin banjo are two-fold: 1) it serves as a warning to other possum; 2) its homemade appearance serves as a warning to those who would consider earning a living with this instrument."

Possum skin banjos, by the way, produce a clear tone, with no more hissing than what a banjo player usually encounters.

Fortified Fireworks

2010-07-04T23:55:00.018-04:00

Wizard Water^© should not be used in the manufacture of fireworks. This discovery came my way through serendipitous circumstances, which my concern for public safety compels me to share. Normally I would not risk a show on an untested product, but last week, in an unexpected conflagration, I lost some excellent Chinese fireworks that were intended for a special Fourth of July medicine show in Savannah.

Since there was no time to replace them, I thought to improvise some rockets of my own creation using gunpowder and various colorants blended with a little of my elixir. Unfortunately, I did not take into account the way water expands when heat is applied -- especially Wizard Water.

I don't have time right now to go into the details of what occurred (I am expected in Biloxi on urgent business). Rest assured that no one was hurt, unless you count those who were trampled in the stampede. I expect the bursts to shrink later tonight as the evening grows cooler.

If the ordnance sergeant at Fort Pulaski inquires after me, tell him his wagon is safe. He can retrieve it from the south moat below the colonel's quarters.

copyright ©2011 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Another Fourth of July

2010-06-27T18:01:00.009-04:00

Bleb got into the garden again yesterday and ate his way through the cowpeas, lima beans and peppers. I was unaware of this when I went to the barn last night to store some fireworks for my show next week, otherwise I might not have lit the hanging lamp. Then again, I might. I had no idea that gas could carry that far.

I will be spending the rest of this week repairing the north wall of our barn. My wife is adding barbed wire to the garden fence. With luck, another shipment of fireworks will arrive before I have to leave for my appointment in Savannah on the Fourth. I will likely be too busy to write.

One of the neighbors inquired this morning as to whether I was teaching Bleb how to climb trees. "No," I replied, "he is just inquisitive that way." If you see a mule with a charred tail sitting in a tree, tell him to come home.

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

More Hot Weather

2010-06-20T18:05:00.014-04:00

We've been having a real hot spell this month. My wife has taken to fixing coffee by setting the pot out to boil on the front porch. I heard a knock on the door two days ago about noon, and it was a shadow from the oak tree next to the house trying to come inside. Bleb's own shadow has been crawling up into his harness lately, making it hard to fit properly.

I almost acquired a bearskin because of the heat. I was walking down by Curry Creek and spotted a very large bearskin draped across a bush near the water, with no humans in sight. I was about to remove it from the bush when I heard a splashing sound. I looked over at the creek, and there was an ursine creature about four times my size headed for the bush, sans fur. I left quickly -- the bear could have his skin and I would keep mine.

Yesterday I thought I'd try to cool things down a bit by mixing up some ice made from Wizard Water^© . The ice froze so hard though, that none of the cold would rub off. I'm storing it in the fireplace in hopes that it will eventually warm up enough to provide a cool breeze when wind blows down through the chimney.

Until then, we are making do as best we can with cardboard fans and extra bits of shadow that my wife dug out of our well. I tacked them under the roof last night.

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Piedmont College Bluegrass Festival

2010-06-13T20:04:00.015-04:00

I was up in Demorest, Georgia yesterday for their first bluegrass festival at the new Arrendale outdoor amphitheatre. They had a terrific bunch of performers -- The Buzzard Mountain Boys, John Oliver & Carmel Ridge; the Solstice Sisters, Curtis Blackwell & the Dixie Bluegrass Boys (Vic and Curtis pictured above), Mountain Hoodoo, Bluebilly Grit, the Foxfire Boys, American Honey & the Wild Turkeys; Hawkproof Rooster and the Musselwhite Family (Molly Musselwhite pictured at right). Those Musselwhite kids have a hard time cracking a grin, but they produce a great sound. Bluebilly Grit is another family-based band that gets better every time I hear them -- and they were good to begin with!

The weather was a mixed bag -- it was cloudy but hot enough to melt my cardboard collar. It's a good thing that the cast and crew of the Mountain Music & Medicine Show always have plenty of funeral parlor fans and Wizard Water^© on hand to help them keep cool! I look forward to doing this again next year -- thanks to everyone who made this such a great event!

The Springs of Panacea

2010-06-06T23:11:00.015-04:00

I was in the town of Panacea, near the Gulf Coast of Florida last week but could sell no Wizard Water^©. The town already has its own curative waters -- a cluster of sulphur springs noted for their remarkable healing properties.

There are at least 13 of these small springs, and each one possesses a different virtue: one reportedly heals deafness of the left ear; another heals deafness of the right ear (care must be taken when applying the waters of each, because in combination they cause baldness). Another spring kills cockroaches -- although the owner of that spring asks that bathers first bag all such vermin prior to dipping them in the waters. Yet another spring miraculously removes elbow warts. Another makes an excellent bear repellant.

I could go on, but my list of what these springs cure would be incomplete, as a town official told me that new remedies are discovered weekly. I am certain that by the time of this writing they have come up with a few more.

The one thing Panaceans cannot do is properly bottle their water -- you must travel through the swamps of Florida and visit the town itself to receive the full benefit of the efflux. Wizard Water^© has no such drawback. You can carry a bottle with you wherever you go and it will retain its full strength. In fact, if you throw it with enough force it will repel not only bears, but also landlords and persistent law enforcement officials.

A Sheep Dip Warning

2010-05-31T02:51:00.011-04:00

It is well known that one can protect newly sheared sheep from skin infections and pests such as scabies by dipping them in a steaming bath of tobacco juice, sulphur and hot water.

I once thought to speed the healing and wool regrowth process by adding Wizard Water^© to the mix, but must warn others not to attempt this.

The wool will grow out quickly but, owing to the addition of sulphur and tobacco, also tends to ignite easily. The speed of the wool growth, in fact, seems to be what initiates the critical spark.

If you happened to see the great illumination on the hillsides of Rancho Los Cerritos back in '81, rest assured that such an event will not happen again. I added a warning to the Wizard Water^© labels and the ranch owner Mr. Bixby, after selling a lot of smoked mutton, decided to pursue barley farming.

More on Frugality

2010-05-23T19:07:00.003-04:00

My wife is very frugal and now insists that I keep a notebook and write down everything I purchase, in the belief that I will reduce my spending. It hasn’t quite worked out as she had hoped, however. Now I only buy things that I can spell.

We have a lot of beer, beef, and beans, but we are very short on flower.

Blame It On Bleb

2010-05-16T22:54:00.007-04:00

I was all set to stop by the Shields Ethridge farm near Arcade, Georgia yesterday, but Bleb had other ideas.

He somehow contrived to leave the barn early that morning, and visited a neighbor’s tobacco-curing shed. I searched for him in his usual haunts – my wife’s garden, the fish pond, Happy Sal’s Dance Hall in town – but could not find him until the neighbor brought him back.

“Your mule has been in my curing shed,” the neighbor told me. “He ate a third of my tobacco crop.”

“I’m terribly sorry,” I said. “I’ll change the lock on the barn door. He’s figured this one out.”

“The crop was nearly cured, too.”

“Nearly – yes, Bleb can be somewhat impatient.”

“You owe me for that tobacco,” he said.

“I’m sorry, but I’m short of funds right now,” I replied. “Could my mule possibly work off the debt he incurred? It would serve him right.”

The farmer thought this was a reasonable solution, and so Bleb is spending his days plowing enough land to produce a replacement for what he ate. The farmer insisted he start right away, so we had to miss the mule festival at the Shields Ethridge farm. Bleb is duly chastened. He dearly loves a social gathering, especially if it involves others of his kind. I think he won’t make the same mistake again. At least until he figures out how to pick the new lock.

The Animal Wrangler

2010-05-09T20:58:00.009-04:00

Someone once asked me if travel improves a person’s behavior. The answer is no, but it does spread it across a wider area. If your personality is just too big for where you live, a trip across the country might give it enough room to make it useful rather than a liability.

I once worked as an assistant for an animal caretaker at a circus. One morning when we were stopped at a small town out West, a giraffe escaped. I was sent to find it and bring it back. I had no wrangling experience whatsoever, and had no idea how I would capture the creature if I did locate it. I needed the job though, so I went out. I asked everyone I met if they had seen a giraffe, but folks just gave me queer looks. Finally I realized that no one out there knew what a “giraffe” was. When I told a cowboy that I was looking for a long-necked, piebald calf, he nodded and showed me where I could find it.

“I figured him for a maverick ‘cause he had no brand,” he said. “I thought about adding him to my herd, but he was grazing on a tree. There just ain’t enough of those kind of tall greens on the trail to Abilene to feed such a particular eater.”

“That’s why folks give them to us,” I told him solemnly. “Because of their tree-eating proclivities. They’re unusual here, but as common as cats in upstate New York, and a whole lot peskier. They were imported from Africa to trim trees, but they got out of hand. The apple farmers hate them. They reproduce like cats, too. I’d keep a close eye on your calves this spring. If you see any with long necks, wire Mr. Barnum and he’ll take them off your hands the next time he comes through town.”

“We ain’t got no call for tree trimming out here,” he said. “There’s so little shade in these parts, I’d hate to see it all get et up. Thanks for the warning.” He was so worried that he roped the giraffe for me. I returned with it two hours after I’d left. My boss was very impressed.

“You have a real way with animals,” he said.

“I don’t know,” I said. “I think I’m better with people.”

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

A Stagecoach Adventure

2010-05-02T21:25:00.009-04:00

The other day a former stagecoach driver told me that a single bottle of my elixir saved his life. He was transporting mail between Abilene and Tucson, he said, when he was set upon by a dozen masked gunmen.

The gunmen began shooting, and he returned fire. He soon ran out of bullets, though, and commenced to throwing everything he could spare at them – canned beans, parasols, whatever was handy. Nothing helped, until he chanced upon a bottle of Wizard Water^©. He threw that, too, but the bottle slipped out of his hand and fell backwards, towards his own team of horses. It hit the rigging, broke, and splashed Wizard Water^© all over their legs. Within a minute those legs grew to five times their normal size.

Soon every gallop took the coach high above the cactus. The vehicle would sail through the air for a few seconds, then slam back into the trail. At one point the team topped some telegraph poles. The gunmen slowed their shooting, fascinated, and probably unsure of where to aim.

Finally, the driver spotted a train in the distance. He urged the horses in that direction. They caught up with the locomotive, leaped, and the entire stagecoach landed in an open car of unshucked corn.

The train pulled ahead of the highwaymen. Out-run and out-leaped, the bandits gave up pursuit.

Over the next several hours, the legs of the horses began to revert to a normal size. By the time the locomotive finally stopped, they looked like any other set of equines buried waist-deep in grain. When the stationmaster saw the coach in the corn, he insisted that the driver pay full passage for himself, the stagecoach and the team.

This happened many years ago, said the driver, who quit the postal service shortly thereafter to join the Texas Rangers. “I wanted a job that was less dangerous than transporting mail," he said. "I can face armed bandits. What bothers me is surprise cargo. Also, when we started clearing the tops of the cactus, I couldn't help thinking that the good Lord did not intend for us to drive to heaven."

Hauling Smoke

2010-04-25T23:08:00.005-04:00

In my younger days I tried numerous professions. One of the hardest jobs I ever had was delivering coal from a train station to homes in Boston. The hours were long, the coal was heavy and the work paid very poorly.

After about a month, I decided to go into business for myself hauling smoke instead. It weighed less and I figured it would pay better. I’d noticed that on particularly cold winter days, the smoke from the coal-burning stoves and fireplaces didn’t just hover over the rooftops – it froze solid. It blocked sunlight and made the short, dark days of winter even darker for people living in those houses. I would walk from building to building and offer to clear away the smoke for a fee. Folks paid readily.

To clear the air, I would climb onto a roof with a ladder, saw out a block of smoke, tie a rope around it and pull it into my cart. Then I wrapped the block in a wet sheet. The sheet would freeze in the winter air, sealing in the carboniferous cloud should any start dripping off, and add enough weight to keep the block from floating away. I would continue in this manner until the roof was clear, and then move on to the next building. When the cart was full I would take the blocks to a lumber mill, where I packed them in sawdust for shipping. I sold most of the blocks to the army. They bought a lot of smoke to make jerky.

This worked fine until spring, when the Army switched to canned beef. The thaw also made it too difficult to saw the clouds effectively. I didn’t quit, though. I took old barrels and attached them to the tops of the chimneys in order to fill them. When I had enough to load a rail car, I shipped them to Tennessee. There they were purchased by a certain whiskey manufacturer I knew who liked to age his whiskey in smoke-cured barrels.

Of course, once the barrels were opened a lot of the smoke escaped, but the prevailing winds blew the cloud east into the Appalachians. Much of it remains there to this day. I’m sure you’ve heard of the “Smokey Mountains.” Now you know how they got that name.

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

The Banjo Vine

2010-04-18T22:22:00.014-04:00

Very few people know this, but not too long ago banjos were not made, but grew wild up in the mountains.

I first learned this on a trip to Nuckollsville, where I stopped to sell some Wizard Water^©. I was hoping to hire a local musician to entertain the crowd in between pitches, and I was directed to a cabin just outside town. The fellow named Bryson who lived there said he couldn’t help me, though, because it was “too early in the season.” I asked him what he meant, and he said “Well, the banjos ain’t ripe yet.” Then he pointed to a clearing in back of the cabin. There lay all manner of miniature banjos, attached to a trailing vine that wound all over the yard. None of them were bigger than your fist, and all the necks were green, where they grew out of the vine.

“When do you think they’ll be ripe?” was all I could think to say.

“Oh, long about June,” he replied. “But most of my crop is spoken for. I promised it to a mail order company.”

“About how many do you plan to produce?”

“That depends,” he replied. “on how many get et by beetles first.”

“Well,” I said, “we may be able to help each other.” I proceeded to demonstrate the wonders of Wizard Water^©. I put a drop on one of the immature instruments. Within minutes it had grown into a full-sized banjo.

“I’ll take a case of that stuff,” said Bryson. “if you’re willing to put my payment on account until I get paid for the crop.”

“I’m afraid I’ll be out of town by then,” I told him, “but I’ll trade you a half-dozen bottles for this full-grown banjo and your services.”

The deal was struck, and I had a seasoned player and a slightly green instrument for the next two days. I paid him at the end of that time, but warned him not to over-water his crop. “Just a drop is probably all you need,” I said. “Whatever you do, don’t water the roots!”

He didn’t listen. Two months later, Sears, Roebuck & Co. was suddenly offering the instrument by mail order for fifty cents each, when the standard price was at least $1.75. The countryside was overrun with cheap banjos. Banjo clubs popped up all over the country, and banjo orchestras began to show up in some of the larger cities.

I stopped by the town on my way to Dahlonega and paid Bryson a visit. His property was covered by the vine; banjos were stacked in piles higher than his cabin.

“I wisht I’d listened to you, Doc,” he moaned when he saw me. “This here’s too much work, and the price the mail order company will pay just keeps going down.”

“Supply and demand,” I replied, “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

Not long after that, a fire swept through the area. Bryson’s crop was totally destroyed, and the Knuckollsville banjo craze was over. Bryson took up gold mining.

I still have that first instrument, though I don't play it. It continued to sprout vines, and I made the mistake of leaving it leaning against the house, where it took root. Now it twines around the porch posts, and occasionally sprouts an instrument or two. I have no plans to go into production, though, as I am too busy selling Wizard Water^©. Anyone who wants to pick a banjo, come on by the back porch.

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

A Hunting Aid

2010-04-11T22:30:00.013-04:00

I once had a fine hunting dog, but since the patent medicine business was keeping me very busy I sold him to a couple backwoodsmen I know -- Jim-Bob and Joe-Bob from Buzzard Mountain. They came to me about a week later and said they wanted their money back.

“What for?” I asked. “That’s the best hunting dog in three states. He’s treed everything from raccoons to alligators.”

“Well he’s no good at duck-hunting,” said Jim-Bob. “We want our money back so we can get a smaller dog. Maybe one of them Mexican chihuahuas.”

“A chihuahua?” I asked, “For duck-hunting?”

“Yep,” said Joe-Bob. “We can barely get your dog up in the air. We figure we can throw a chihuahua much higher.”

“You don’t want a dog for that,” I said. “Everyone knows cats are better at catching birds. I’m happy to refund your money, but I happen to have a half-dozen trained birding cats that will save you a trip to Mexico.”

“We don’t need a half-dozen; just one,” said Joe-Bob.

“You say that now,” I replied, “but the next time you startle a flock of mallards, you’re going to wish you had a few spare cats. I will even include a bottle of Wizard Water^© to strengthen your throwing arms.”

That said, they exchanged the dog for six young felines and a bottle of my elixir. The dog seemed none the worse for wear, except it refused to go near ponds.

When I recently returned to Buzzard Mountain, Joe-Bob informed me that the cats had not caught a single duck.

“We ain’t upset, though,” he added. “They’re too good at keeping crows off our corn. Jim-Bob thought he’d feed them some of that Wizard Water^©, and danged if it didn’t improve their leaping ability. You never seen so many cats leaping so high above a field of corn, just a-swattin’ crows out of the air left and right.”

“Well that’s wonderful, gentlemen,” I said. “I know you will put the corn they save to good use. I was prepared to help you if the cats didn’t work out for their original purpose, though. My mother-in-law has acquired one of those Mexican dogs you spoke of, and you are right – they are perfectly suited for duck-hunting. Hers is especially good at clamping on to something with its jaws and not letting go. For a small fee, I will to loan it to you.”

The boys declined my offer, but only because they were too busy with their farm. I will check with them next fall, though, when the geese fly south.

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

An Instrument of Note

2010-04-04T21:01:00.006-04:00

The largest stringed instrument I ever saw belonged to a church in Blowing Rock, North Carolina. The church was small and could not afford to haul an organ from the lowlands up the mountain roads, so instead the members commissioned a local woodcarver to make them an extra-large dulcimer. It was about as big as a regular church organ, with over four dozen strings , and it took half the church choir to play.

Now it’s a little-known fact that the more strings an instrument has, the more weight it will gain over time, due to the accumulation of notes that get caught in the strings. This dulcimer was too heavy to shake out on a regular basis, and after a year it became so crammed full of notes that even the male choir members could barely play it.

I was in the town at this point, and the choir director asked me if my Wondrous Wizard Water^© could strengthen weak finger muscles so the men could play the church dulcimer.

“Certainly,” I said, “it helps strengthen anything you care to use it on.”

He bought two cases of Wizard Water^© , which I thought was a wise investment. I learned later that he gave most of it to the choir, and what little was left he added to a whitewash that was painted on the church exterior.

A few months later a tornado ripped through that town. It flattened buildings on both sides of the church but -- except for some broken windows -- the church itself was left miraculously (I would say wondrously) intact. The only thing lost was the dulcimer. Church members said they found it in a field six miles away, split into its component parts – a banjo, a mandolin, a fiddle and a washtub bass. They recognized it because some of their sheet music was stuck in the strings. Taking this as a sign, a few members used the parts to form a gospel string band. Nowadays that church’s services are among the liveliest east of the Mississippi, and they get a good crowd at funerals, too.

“A bunch of separate string instruments are a lot easier to play than the single large dulcimer,” the choir director told me. “We don’t get in each other’s way as often.”

“Of course it’s easier, I replied. “You’ve got Wizard Water^© to keep your musicians’ fingers strong and limber!”

“And,” I added, “the wind most thoroughly cleaned out those strings.”

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

Last Week's Show

2010-03-28T23:14:00.012-04:00

We had a little excitement when I was in Dahlonega last week. Woodrow Parks reported that there was a shoplifter in the area. He says a fellow walked into his drygoods store and spent a lot of time in the lingerie section. When Woodrow tried to confront him, the man disappeared. Woodrow says the stranger just gave him the slip.

So Woodrow noticed his stock was low and called the sheriff to report a theft. The sheriff came and asked him if he could provide the particulars. Woodrow said no, the stranger ran off with them. The sheriff said what he meant was: did he have a description? Woodrow told the sheriff he was pretty sure the stranger only took silk. So if you see this fellow, let the sheriff know.

I can't help you if you missed the thief, but if you missed last week's show, you can view some pictures of it in my photograph album.

The Mountain Music & Medicine Show - March 20

2010-03-21T18:15:00.015-04:00

The sheriff was nice enough to let me park my wagon across from Nix's store up in Dahlonega last night for a performance of the Mountain Music and Medicine Show, I think in part because he wanted to see the show himself. With groups like the the Hoyles, the Georgia Mudcats, the Skillet Lickers, Mist on the Mountain, and the Buzzard Mountain Boys, who can blame him?

Young Etowah Adams and his sisters Sarah and Selu opened the show with several pieces they learned through the Dahlonega "Pick and Bow" program for young musicians. I wish more towns had this kind of program (I could supply my show more easily with talented young artistes)!

Thanks to all the folks who work so hard to bring this show to town. Check back later this month to see more photos of the show. Hope to see y'all again in May!

Another Treatment for Snoring

2010-03-14T21:13:00.005-04:00

On rare occasions, my recommended cure for snoring does not work. I once knew a man who respirated in his sleep with such great vocality that he woke his family AND the neighbors, and no amount of Wizard Water^© corkage seemed help. He came to me, very distraught.

“What can I do, Doc? My wife says I keep her awake all night, and everyone within two miles agrees with her!”

“Does it sound something like a whistle and a roar?” I asked.

“So I am told.” he replied.

“There’s your answer,” I replied. “Hire yourself out to a riverboat company. I know a captain who needs men like you. He says they are a cheap alternative to an expensive steam whistle. He hires one man for the day shift, and one for the night shift. Room and board are covered.”

The man took my advice. The last I heard, he was plying the Mississippi between Hannibal and New Orleans. The folks along the river occasionally complain about the loudness of the new “steam whistle,” but the captain is satisfied because other boats keep a wide berth. His family and neighbors are satisfied, too, because they get a full night’s sleep when he is home now, due to the fact that he has accustomed himself to working the day shift.

copyright ©2010 Laurie J. Anderson, all rights reserved.

On the Advantages of Staying Calm

2010-03-07T21:59:00.017-05:00

I was once chased by a grizzly bear. If you have never seen one of these creatures, all you need to know is this: grizzly bears are to regular bears what elephants are to dachsunds, but with more teeth.

It happened late one night when I was taking a little-used back road, riding a horse I had borrowed from an associate. I was on my guard against surprises, otherwise I might not have noticed the snap of a tree branch behind me. I looked back, and at first wondered if the full moon had gone behind a cloud, because the trail behind me was pitch black where it had been bathed in moonlight only a moment before.

Then I noticed a silhouette against the star-filled sky, and realized that I was looking at a living creature. It was a bear as big as a buffalo. To be perfectly accurate, it was as big as a buffalo standing on top of a courthouse. That might not have alarmed me, had the creature not also been headed in my direction.

I am not one to panic. Calmly, I turned around and, with as little movement as possible, urged my horse to increase its speed. This it did, but not by enough, I soon learned. The sound of cracking limbs grew closer. I looked back and saw the bear just a few hundred yards away and closing fast. I spurred the horse forward. The horse, which must have gotten a whiff of the beast, leaped ahead with alacrity as if it had been slapped by lightning.

Unfortunately, we were headed downhill, and this only helped the great creature. My steed jumped over boulders as tall as fence posts, but it did no good. The bear merely swatted them aside and continued to gain on us. He got so close that I could hear his grunts. I knew that I had but a few seconds before we were overtaken.

Just then, I saw a low-hanging branch ahead. I resolved to grab that limb and take my chances in the tree it was attached to. With luck, the bear would not notice my absence and continue to pursue the horse. I hoped that, once lightened of its human load, the horse would lead him far away.

We rode under the tree and I reached for the branch. Unfortunately, the bear dove for us at that very moment. The impact knocked me unconscious.

When I awoke, I found myself still in the saddle, tangled in the reins and moving along at a good clip. I could not understand why I was still alive. Where was the bear? I looked around. No sign of him. The road entered an open area and in the full moonlight I saw the answer: the bear was beneath me. He was wearing the bridle and bit, and saddled just like the horse. While I lay unconscious and tied to the saddle, that bear must have eaten the horse from tail to nose, right under its harness and all its gear.

Well I rode that grizzly down the mountain into the next town. Since it was so late and I did not wish to disturb anyone, I guided him into the livery stable myself and put him in an unoccupied stall. There, the satiated creature curled up and promptly fell asleep. When I was sure he was slumbering soundly I dismounted, borrowed another horse and quickly went on my way.

So remember - do not panic when confronting danger! Keep a cool, rational head and you should come out no worse for the wear! (This especially applies to livery stable owners who forget to lock their doors at night.)