Sunday, February 26, 2012

Sleep Faster With Wizard Water

Wizard Water© can help treat insomnia. If you ever find yourself short on sleep, slip a bottle under a student in a Latin class, or anyone in the back row of a Sunday service. Retrieve the bottle after the event is over. My elixir absorbs the latent energy around it and transmits it via the same process that trees turn light into green leaves and municipal bonds accrue interest.

To demonstrate, I have just taken a small draught of Wizard Water that spent the entire winter in a bear's den....I shall soon....umm, uh....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.............

Sunday, February 19, 2012

The Gravity Problem

I'm pleased to announce that I have solved the gravity problem.

As we all know, too many things hit the ground that shouldn't -- among them vases, flyballs, and unpleasant facts.

Here is the cure: Wizard Water© plus helium. Wizard Water's natural intensifying effects are amplified with the addition of this rare air, and the effect can be put to good use.

Do you occasionally drop a glass of whiskey, or a large amount of money on a horse named "Dust Devil"? Do you sometimes find yourself sitting in the dirt outside a saloon for no good reason? Wizard Water© and a little light gas can help.

The next time you notice yourself in a situation that requires equilibrium or the application of a counterforce to keep you from getting carried away, try the following: mix a few drops of Wizard Water© with an ounce or more of helium. Shake well, and pour it over the object on which gravity or imprudence may exert its influence.

Whether the subject is a pitcher full of beer or a minister delivering a sermon on the evils of drinking, the aforementioned concoction will lighten it and counteract imbalance. Try to drop a mug that has been treated with this formulation -- the mug will float to the rafters. Angry customers will inspire laughter, and advice from your mother-in-law will not weigh down anyone.

Just take care not to apply this mixture to campaign speeches. Such items are mostly hot air to begin with, and additional inflation can cause the speaker to float off with his words.

Copyright © 2012 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

He Signs His Checks With Xs

I'm proud to say that I can read an write. Education is a valuable thing. I knew a cowboy who couldn't read or write and just signed his name with an "X". It almost got him into trouble.

Being illiterate normally never caused "Two-Toed" Frank any problems, since he only went to the bank in between cattle drives to deposit the money he'd earned.

He lived like that for a number of years and managed to save quite a bit. Then "Two-Toed" married the ranch owner's daughter. The month after the wedding, the banker he deposited money with rode out to the ranch with a posse.

"I just noticed that you withdrew a hundred dollars," said the banker, and I was concerned that you were in trouble."

"Naw, I just got married and needed some money to get set up" said "Two-Toed". "But you saw me sign the check, so why did you think otherwise?"

"Because," said the banker, "you signed the withdrawal slip with three "X"s instead of one. I thought you were trying to tell me something."

"Oh that," said the cowboy. "My wife thinks that I need to act more respectible-like, so I added a middle and last name."

[NOTE: If you think you've heard this before somewhere, you probably have. I'm just too tired to tell you about Bleb's singing career.]

Sunday, February 5, 2012

The Fisherman's Aid

Wizard Water© is also known as "the fisherman's aid".

The captain of a fishing vessel told me that he was once becalmed in Mobile Bay with a load of crustaceans in his nets. The catch needed to be brought ashore quickly or he risked losing his entire investment.

Luckily, the captain had a bottle of Wizard Water© on hand. He sprinkled the contents of the bottle on his catch and threw them overboard while they were still in the net.

The creatures revived instantly, grew several sizes and, since it was August, headed straight to shore.

Naturally, the ship that the net was attached to also followed. The captain not only salvaged his catch, he earned a bonus for bringing it inland as far as Louisville.

The captain then tried to enter his catch in the Kentucky Derby, but the judges turned him down.

They felt six legs was too much of an advantage, unless the crustaceans were running for office.

Keep that in mind should you ever find yourself trapped at sea -- sometimes it pays to be shellfish, but not always.

Copyright © 2012 Laurie J. Anderson. All rights reserved.